Uncertainty

Having to think of a title can be so frustrating at times because i usually blog without any specific topic in mind.

For the past few days i had been really studying for the three exam papers that will be approaching this coming week. I would say that the effort i had been putting in to study for the past few days is way more then my efforts for the past semester. I just wake up, study, eat, study, bathe, eat, study, sleep. I made notes and read through the lecture notes repeatedly. I am not sure what really went in to my brain. But by today, i just feel so tired when i read through those notes. Study too much i guess?

And when this week ends, i am unofficially out of poly with no fixed plan on what to do after that. I have been thinking and thinking with no actions taken because i am afraid that whatever action i take may be a wrong decision. Study or work first? I still want to pursue social work/ counselling. I have to wait till i am 21 and working part time to study that in SIM. Still unsure if i can wait that long. Or maybe try out by having internship at some non profit organizations? Have not send in any requests for that yet. Hais still so indecisive. I also want to earn money. I have to really come to a decision on my own really soon.

I realize that positive thoughts bring simplicity to one’s life while negative thoughts bring complexity to one’s life.

Meanwhile all i am thinking of doing after exams are really not so practical. Like i want to learn driving, have fun with my friends, learn music and play guitar. All these need money and time. I got time but no money.

All i want from my job is to be really meaningful and that is a difficult one on its own because its so general.

Many of my peers who are graduating also feel a bit lost on what to do. Its like yay i am finally out, but then how i live the rest of my life is my responsibility. Its like i am becoming an adult and i have to start making lifelong decisions. A start of a new phrase of life that brings about uncertainty but excitement also.

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Start over again

The only way to move on from sadness and despair is to start over again with a new perspective.

I fell so many times and i always pick myself up through God’s grace and Word.

I have always been running into problems with the type of thoughts that i had been thinking about especially negative thoughts. That is my biggest weakness, i won’t lie about it.

I really have to monitor my train of thoughts.

To think happy, positive, encouraging, thankful thoughts.

And of course being more patient with my own imperfections and slowly get over it. To be more confident for what i can do and not be confined to the opinions of the world or to my own limitations.

I am stuck with myself and since that is so, let me be happy with myself.

I believe everybody faces this struggles from time to time.

Inspired by these quotes:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes even if you lose, you win. ~Elie Wiesel

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. ~Jim Morrison

I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

~Emily Dickinson

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else. ~Charles Dickens

I’m going to turn on the light, and we’ll be two people in a room looking at each other and wondering why on earth we were afraid of the dark. ~Gale Wilhelm

People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves. ~Salma Hayek

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing. ~Camille Pissarro

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I thank God for my handicaps, for, through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God. ~Helen Keller

Possible?

Sometimes your biggest strength can become your biggest weakness.

Still thinking if it is still possible for me to become a social worker or counselor because i am quite bad at separating emotions from thoughts. I am very sensitive to conflict and i cause myself a lot of emotional stress when things go wrong. I overthink things.  Still quite bad at managing conflicts :/

What even more i am an idealist, i have my own standards on how things should turn out right. Would i be practically committing emotional suicide if i jump into this? I do not think i am emotionally mature yet.

Am i being too hard on myself? Like i think things way too much and too far. Sometimes i wish i could be less sensitive. Because it is taking an heavy toll on me emotionally. And i am not able to articulate it well to my loved ones.

God, is it still possible?

Leaving my worries into God’s hands.

Sad

I don’t know what came over me today.
Feeling like a failure and like I’m not good enough.
And then I hurt the people I loved, which made me more miserable.
Dying in my own misery.
I shouldn’t be like this, why why why.
These feelings should go away.
I am more angry at myself then being angry at others.
Just feel like finding a corner to hide myself and to only come out once I am better.

I can be better

What frustrates me the most is when i know i can be better yet i am not doing well at all.

Love is an action verb. And i suck at that. That yes i do love people but i am not being able to display it fully and i am frustrated. That even at times i act the total opposite to my intentions.

I attended church today just like all the other Sundays. I slip in quietly and i left early because of a family lunch. Nevertheless today was a valentine day service and the guest speaker was speaking about being loving towards the other brothers and sisters in the church. And i feel like a failure inside because although i am a projectionist leader but i am unable to open up comfortably, love my other brothers and sisters in the church. In fact i feel excluded sometimes.

I have been constantly questioning myself on why i just could not fit in with the masses in general no matter how much i tried. But i know that if i were to really do that, i will be fooling myself because that is not the real me. The real me just wants to have authentic and meaningful conversations with people on how they are doing in their lives. To encourage and care for people in that manner. But this world is about image first, which i am not up to par because i am not so interested. Like why does people have to put up a mask which is so tiring and then only show their true selves to a select few, isn’t it miserable somehow?

I want to love people but then i get beaten down by all these type of rejections. People wouldn’t even want me to be in their lives because my image is not up to par, so how can i even want to achieve that level of meaningful interactions so that i can care for them?

Maybe the way i have been approaching is all wrong right from the start? I don’t need to be popular, its just that the people i am supposed to show more love to, i cannot do it and i feel guilty. I need more grace for i am simply a imperfect christian. So far only a few people experienced the depth of care and concern that i really show and i want to do better and show it to more people. Because God loves me and i want people to know that God loves them too regardless of their imperfections.

I admit that i get beaten down by rejections easily because i am sensitive and i will overcome this psychological barrier of mine to be better.

I feel the happiest when i am able to help people with their problems and see them coming out of it stronger and better.

I am thankful with my life now that i got a few people that i can confide in when i am feeling down. I am most thankful for God’s grace that has been sustaining me and will continue to sustain me in the future. And i am putting this frustration of mine and future into His hands.

3 more weeks before i am out of poly

3 more weeks? That sounds fast!

Chinese New Year came speeding last Friday and i was crazily working at full speed doing my projects when the clock hit 12 on the dot. 3 project presentations are due this week and so i have been crazily working since last Wednesday. I knew that i definitely had no time to do during the first and second day of CNY and it is not possible to finish on Sunday. So i turned on my working gears, worked till late for both Thursday and Friday and grabbing any spare time in between the CNY to do finish my work. Thank God that i managed to complete majority of it by Saturday morning and was able to enjoy CNY for quite a bit. This CNY is the most stressful i would say due to all the sickening projects.

As of now, i have completed 2 with 1 more project left tomorrow for this week. Got one more final presentation due on next Monday but i am especially happy now because International business AKA INTERNATIONAL BURDEN is over yesterday! My group was the first to present and the first to rejoice heheh. The module is so heavy with so much research to do and so much critical thinking is needed. Not only that, there is a Q&A component which our classmates and teacher must ask us questions for them to earn marks and for us to earn marks for answering. I didn’t really answered much and have not ask any question to the other group yesterday because i just wanted some rest for myself after the presentation. I feel like throwing away that component because i guess this component is for those who can answer fast and think fast and i am not one of them. Everybody have to compete to get those marks and i feel really pressurized. Don’t understand why there must be even such a component that we have to kind of ‘kill’ other groups with our questions since the marks are awarded on a individual basis.>.<

So next week i have one individual assignment and 2 projects (one having a presentation) to submit before the one and only exam study break before the final exams. Time will pass fast very quickly.

And i will be officially free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

……………………..and i will have to quickly make a decision on how i should proceed on with my next phrase of life.