I can be better

What frustrates me the most is when i know i can be better yet i am not doing well at all.

Love is an action verb. And i suck at that. That yes i do love people but i am not being able to display it fully and i am frustrated. That even at times i act the total opposite to my intentions.

I attended church today just like all the other Sundays. I slip in quietly and i left early because of a family lunch. Nevertheless today was a valentine day service and the guest speaker was speaking about being loving towards the other brothers and sisters in the church. And i feel like a failure inside because although i am a projectionist leader but i am unable to open up comfortably, love my other brothers and sisters in the church. In fact i feel excluded sometimes.

I have been constantly questioning myself on why i just could not fit in with the masses in general no matter how much i tried. But i know that if i were to really do that, i will be fooling myself because that is not the real me. The real me just wants to have authentic and meaningful conversations with people on how they are doing in their lives. To encourage and care for people in that manner. But this world is about image first, which i am not up to par because i am not so interested. Like why does people have to put up a mask which is so tiring and then only show their true selves to a select few, isn’t it miserable somehow?

I want to love people but then i get beaten down by all these type of rejections. People wouldn’t even want me to be in their lives because my image is not up to par, so how can i even want to achieve that level of meaningful interactions so that i can care for them?

Maybe the way i have been approaching is all wrong right from the start? I don’t need to be popular, its just that the people i am supposed to show more love to, i cannot do it and i feel guilty. I need more grace for i am simply a imperfect christian. So far only a few people experienced the depth of care and concern that i really show and i want to do better and show it to more people. Because God loves me and i want people to know that God loves them too regardless of their imperfections.

I admit that i get beaten down by rejections easily because i am sensitive and i will overcome this psychological barrier of mine to be better.

I feel the happiest when i am able to help people with their problems and see them coming out of it stronger and better.

I am thankful with my life now that i got a few people that i can confide in when i am feeling down. I am most thankful for God’s grace that has been sustaining me and will continue to sustain me in the future. And i am putting this frustration of mine and future into His hands.


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