Season of breaking 

When I left my first job 2 months back, I left in a discouraged state. I saw that my faith wasn’t strong in God at all to keep me going on in that place. That fiery trial showed how weak my faith was and I knew that I need to strengthen my faith and get my act back together before entering the next job. 

However I didn’t expect that my inner core will be shaken so badly that even till now I’m still in the process of recovering. So far I have not been receiving much responses from the jobs that I have been applying to and I know why. God will not give me the job until I truly surrender my life to Him and receive the healing that I needed.

I see that my life is never mine to control. My life belongs to God. Seeking God is the first priority. I don’t have to be afraid of not getting a job since I am serving a mighty God who has already planned out my future in His loving hands. His primary aim for me in this season is not for me to get another job, but to trust in Him and let Him take over my life fully. 

I see that my old ways of dealing with stress is not working well for me anymore. I have to rely on God completely and trust in His word to overcome all the anxious thoughts I have everyday. Nobody else and no objects can give me the healing I needed, only God can. But before the healing comes, He is breaking me first. It is not nice to be in the state of being broken, I feel pain and I feel like I am going to collapse. However in the midst of all this, I still find the strength to go on due to God’s grace. I do not know how long this process will take. I will continue to trust in Him and worship Him. Finding a job is no longer my primary aim, healing and knowing God intimately in my heart is my primary aim. I know that I will get stronger after this breaking because I will go into a deeper level of intimacy with God. I just need to have more faith and trust no matter how things in the natural looks and how I may feel.

Set me free

My old ways of coping does not work anymore because it was never sustainable in the first place. The battles were never mine solely to fight in the first place, it belongs to God. The burdens were never mine to carry. 

I feel like I’m on the way to spiritual death if I continue on trying to think of all those battles. Teach me Lord to give it to you each time I think about it. You know what I truly long for. I want to be free, I want to live as a child of Yours before anything else. So often I’m just consumed by thoughts of my various responsibilities that I feel shackled down. 

God, you are a mighty and loving God who holds everything in your hands. Nothing can happen without you not knowing. I know you will take care of all my needs and all the people that I care about. I don’t have to keep holding them in my thoughts. I need your grace moment by moment to shut down those thoughts that draws me away from the truth of who You are. 

In this season where You are showing me that I cannot cope with my old methods, guide me to pick up the right ones and give me a community of support that I can lean to. Give me courage and confidence to turn to that community of support. I know I cannot make it on my own anymore, if not I will just collapse. I need to learn how to receive. I thought that turning to You only in the past would be sufficient enough but that wasn’t what You wanted for me. Set me free from my prison that I may praise your Name. 

Walking with God from level 1 

My walk with God is taking on a whole new shift. I’m learning how to walk with God with the deep awareness of His love in my heart. 

My walk with God has previously before been more intellectual than personal. I thought I knew Him but God in his steadfast love is showing me that I do not know Him personally enough. In this season, with the recent uncertainties that I see in my own life, I feel that my inner core is shaken badly. My old ways of coping does not work anymore. I see that knowing Him intellectually is not enough to still the anxieties and fears of my fragile heart. I need His word to be a living reality in my heart. 

I struggle with loneliness a lot, especially with the knowledge that I cannot realistically keep turning to people whenever I feel a certain emotion. I know that there is a limit to the level of emotional support they can give and I know that it will never fully satisfy the need that I am looking for. Only God can fill in that gap and only he is the One who will be with me in all Seasons of my life without leaving me. 

I do feel a bit dreadful when night approaches sometimes, especially recently because my inner core is not very strong. Especially in the wee hours, when my mind is not fully working even when I’m awake and that is when I hear my heart speaks. That is when all the defenses of me comes down and I know that I’m feeling really lonely and afraid inside. But I know that this is precisely where I need the love of God to come in most. 

I’m feeling like a baby all over again in this new journey with God. I pray to receive more grace and the reality of God’s love into my fragile heart. The gentle voice of the Father is never too far from me. As I speak that in my heart to Him, I hear Him saying that all I need to do is to believe and turn to Him each time I feel that way because He is never too far from me. That His love and peace will fill me even if my mind still wants to ask questions. And that I have to be still and just accept his love, and that is all that really matters. 

I have been really selective in what I’m hearing and seeing nowadays because my heart gets easily disturbed by the slightest thing. Hearing worship songs and watching worship videos and reading the word of God is what helps me to build up this foundation of Christ’s love in my heart. I know it takes time for a foundation to be built and God is saying to me to take everything one day at a time. His grace is new every morning. 

This intimacy that I am learning in this season will be very precious to me especially because I am in this season of life now where I’m not seeing much things happening in the natural but I believe that God is working out something in the spiritual realm. 

More often than not, God wants me to do the believing and He will take charge of the rest. Throughout the bible, there are many accounts of people believing in who God is and God came through for their situation. They didn’t have to work too hard, if not there is no point in God having a hand in it. 

In this season, God is wanting me to trust in Him while I continue on living day to day, doing whatever I need to do to fulfill my different roles. That I will seek him first. His grace will never run out on me. That I can turn to him in all moments, because seeking Him just twice a day is not enough to keep the fire going on in my heart. More often that not God’s grace comes in moment by moment. 

Experiencing the Heavenly Father’s love 

I was in a perpetual frustrated state from late morning to evening because I was kind of upset with the outcome of the interview in the morning. 

I was hoping that I could pursue a social work admin job in that Organization. However they didn’t have the vacancy and instead they offer me a temporary job related to sales and marketing. I told them I will think about it first. I was conflicted deep within because that job was never what I had in mind and I will never be interested in it. I wondered if I am putting my will above God’s will. I prayed to God for a clear answer which didn’t come clearly at first but gradually it became clearer in the afternoon as I seek for peace in His word. No, I won’t settle for less than God’s best for me and I believe that God will grant me the desires of my heart. I will not enter a job where I have no interest at all. 

I got frustrated also because I was impatient with my own progress. However as I mediated on Romans 8:28-39, the striving and anxiousness of my heart went away as I choose to replace it with my trust in God. 

As evening came and my dad came back from work. God has been commanding me to love my family especially my dad. As I went out for dinner with my dad, God told me to look at my dad not as a scary person but as a person who loves me too. As I start obeying God in that, my heart softens and i just felt like crying. But I manage to hide it all the way until I’m back home in my room. I know that God is doing a new work in this area. 

As I sit in my room and listening to worship songs, I told God to help me receive more grace because I’m really bad at it. I sense the love of God just came over me immediately with a gentle voice in my heart that says I love you, I know everything that has been going on and I’m pleased with you. I’m pleased whenever you take one small step of obedience. I see your heart, I receive your love. You don’t have to strive so hard, you just need to quiet down and listen to my voice that is already inside of you. 

I felt so so relieved and loved. There is always this feeling of condemnation whenever I didn’t obey God. Although I know it in my head that I’m forgiven and His love is unconditional, it’s not a living reality in my heart. 
Today is the first time in a long while that I experience God’s love in my heart, not my head, not me repeating this to myself. Help me Lord to receive your grace everyday, I want to hear you Everyday. 

Come back to the arms of the Father

Elevation Worship – O Come to the Altar

It is kind of crazy when God knows that i will go on a deep angst mode before i knew it myself. Earlier on today when surfing YouTube, i saw the title of this video and i got strangely curious by it. However i did not open it because i was planning to do it later. I just opened this and it is God’s message of love to me with His arms open wide.

Exasperated

I feel driven up the wall by exasperation by my own parents like all the time whenever i interact with them. This frustration is so frustrating that i cannot really name it, i do not want to think about it, i get headache.

My dad asked me on my job search yesterday and i told him my decision to turn back to finding jobs in social service. Thankfully he did not explode, he just kinda nagged at me in a disappointing tone about how i ended my first job and i did not listen to him bla bla. I expected this from him so i am not too upset. I do not even want anything from him anymore other than providing me with a roof over my head and food. I do not expect him to be a pillar of emotional support or love. I just give up on that idea. All i see from him is his face of disapproval, impatience and anger, i feel like i will never measure up to his expectations. When was the last time he said he love me? He said it to me and my sister when we cooked up a dinner for him on his birthday earlier in March this year.

I do not expect anything at all from my mum. Nothing from her, i am thankful if she can take care of her own family well enough to not keep getting into dire financial situations. Every time she comes to me, i know she wants something from me.

Too many disappointing moments, i do not want to even try thinking back about the good memories about them when i was a really young child. I know that they are not perfect and i am not expecting them to do more for me. I grew up fighting for my own well being because no one will fight for me, except God.

But most of the time, i just feel like a child in the cold wilderness who do not know what it is like to be sheltered. God says come back home, but i do not know the way back either. So many tears, i see how harden my face has become. I do not want to be like this, i want to be happy. Although i do not know how to come back home, God walks out to me and comforts me and helps me in mysterious ways. But the amount of angst i feel, i feel like i cannot fully receive God’s love even if i really want to. I feel neglected.

God, You hear. I am hitting my limits. You call me to fight for the family. Fight for me. The exasperation is driving me insane.

 

 

God’s timing and plan, not mine

I am still in this season of learning to wait upon God when it comes to job search.

It is a struggle for me because i am so tempted to act ahead of God or just be led by my insecurities and rashly apply for something else altogether. God’s timing is not calculated by my sense of timing. I am learning to trust in Him, turn to Him consciously each time when the chatters of doubt gets into my head and praise Him in all my circumstances. I believe that even though i cannot see things happening in the natural, there are things definitely moving in the spiritual realm which is my faith in God and how i grow to depend on Him.

What are my fears and struggles?

  1. Having to answer my dad when he ask about my job search. He does not know that i have switched back to applying for jobs in social service field. I am only intending to tell him after i have gotten an interview for social work or some sort. I feel like i need to come up with a solid explanation for the switch back because he will bring back my first job experience and question me on my readiness for it.
  2. I have to admit that i am bad at waiting especially since i am doing nothing much productive in the worldly sense.
  3. I do not know very specifically what i want to do or where to go. All i know is i want to do God’s will. I am interested in the social work role but i do not have the basic right qualifications to apply. I am interested in working with youths and families. I am hoping to get a assistant role or some sort so that i can build up my skills and experience. I am intending to earn some money first by getting a full time job before pursuing further studies in social work field.

This is where all my chatters in my head begins. There are many suggestions and options which is kind of driving me insane. Like working in another form of capacity in the social work field? I did think and research about it but i do not have really much interest in other roles. Or getting a job first and earn the money before pursuing further studies and work in social work? I tried going back to HR field, i did not do so well for the interviews because my heart is clearly not there. Or getting different temp jobs? I feel uncomfortable at this idea and i feel that God does not want me to go into this direction. Volunteering? I honestly do not know whether to head in this direction yet.

I have applied for quite a number of job applications by faith. I am still waiting for positive responses. I have turned down other types of job opportunities offered by recruitment agencies and tell them that i am solely concentrating on social work field.

God wants me to be still and let Him take the lead. If i want to do God’s will, then i have to be willing to let Him take total control and wait upon Him. It is my first time that everything is really out of my hands. I have to get myself out of the way and rest fully assured that He will give me a job in his time because He is a loving God who has my eternity in His hands.

Meanwhile i have been spending my weekday mornings worshiping God first before doing anything else. I need to know what it means to have God’s love deep down in my heart, I need to know who God is and discipline myself to follow Him. My afternoons are spent on looking and applying for jobs if there are any and just do my own usual stuff. My evenings are spent on looking to God again to strengthen my faith in Him. Those chatters in my head comes by daily and i have to consciously choose to fix my eyes on God and declare His love and promises to shut those doubts down. It is a daily battle and i know i have to take this one day at a time. It is just a struggle because i cannot come up with any concrete answer other than saying that i know that God will make a way for me.

To be still is not an natural effort, it takes whole faith and assurance in knowing the love and nature of God which i am still learning even as i do not see anything happening in the natural. I find it pretty amazing and humbled by how God still choose to save, love and partner with humans to accomplish His Will for heaven and earth together because we are all really very flawed and our motives are not so pure by nature.

How God still loves me, hears and answers my prayers when i am such a imperfect human being with a heart that gets shaken to and fro with doubts and my sinful nature. The cross on which Jesus died for our sins that pave the way for everybody regardless of status and intelligence to be able to go to God freely because God loves us too much to leave us to die. How God uses all our messes and write out beautiful stories, how he can still bring His perfect purposes to pass and be accomplished even if we may have went to the wrong direction, it is a beautiful mystery that is too wonderful to be understood.

God, i just need you and that is enough to satisfy all the unanswered questions. Help me to experience and know You for who You say You are. I am walking with You on this journey together and i pray that You will show yourself to be real and mighty in my life, that people can see that it is not me who write my own story, it is You writing my story, not my efforts but by Your supernatural power. Thank you for being so loving and gentle towards me, gently prodding me into the right direction even when i do not know that i was going into the wrong direction at times. I belong to You so i have no right to my life, I am Yours.

 

Walk with God in this season of waiting

A walk with God is not a walk in a peaceful park with beautiful surroundings. That is called heaven and i will get to experience that after this life on earth.

More often than not, a walk with God is a walk of challenges of faith whereby my faith get tested almost all the time. I do fall, backslide, doubt and even get angry with God. It is not a pleasant journey. I get discouraged, sad and even fall into depression. Even unbelievers also experience all these emotions too. Sometimes i wonder what is different about my life actually that could actually show them that the God i serve is real and not a super forced human attempt by me. Because it was never in my control in the first place.

I do wish that i can read and hear more accounts of Christians who struggle in their faith because i know that i am not alone in what i am feeling and thinking. I am still really selfish in my thoughts and actions towards certain parts of my life because of my pride and hurts which i refuse to surrender to God. I rather stick with the status quo which i know will be more harmful in the long run rather than obeying God and allowing Him into those areas to do the new work.

I wonder how God love me and still want me even though i persistently choose to go the wrong way. How do i know God loves me other than reading the Bible and being thankful for His work in my life? His presence. His peace that is beyond all human understanding that always comes to me whenever i make a half-hearted effort to talk to Him. My heart is always on the verge of hardening whenever i encounter or think of bad situations, but it just softens naturally whenever i turn to God. His unfailing love and kindness towards me never ceases. All He wants is for me to be still and just trust in Him that He will answer my requests in His timing. However i still struggle in being still because i do not know what i will be like when i finally face up to the fact that i am actually feeling really wretched and lonely deep inside although i am thankful for the loving people and blessings He has given to me.

God loves me for who i am because of what He has done and not what i have done or did not done. However in this season of waiting, i get bothered by the other voices, i feel that i am not doing enough, i feel inadequate and useless at times. I know God loves me, but can people love me when i am totally useless to them? Actually can God love me even when i am totally useless to Him? My head has all the right answers but my heart is still not assured yet.

Feelings come and go, there are times when i really feel like i am unconditionally loved, there are times when i feel wretched. However i know that even if i fail, God does not. I just want to say thank you Lord for loving the wretched me. You know me intimately, you see my flaws and you still love me the same just as you see me in my best form. You look out for me, protecting me from danger and providing for my needs even though i am such a ungrateful person at times. You give me wisdom and discernment in dealing with people and situations. Although i may not hear you verbally, but You show your love to me in multiple ways through people, situations, promptings of my heart and even through the stars at night as i see them through my room window when i am lying on the bed. You know the significance i attached to the stars, i view them as your signs of love and faithfulness to me in darkness. The light pollution is too high in SG that i can barely see any so being able to see one star is good enough to lighten my heart.

You know how much i love You but how often my love has not been fully expressed because of my flawed self. I want to follow You. You know my heart, my prayer that You will always keep me close to you even in times when i want to run away and go down the wrong path. And indeed so far You are really answering this prayer, each time when i get so down, i just want to rest in Your love first more than anything else. Because only in You alone that my soul is fully satisfied. I do not need anything more or go anywhere else because my heart knows that You are the answer and the only answer. Purify my heart, Daddy God and help me to stand again in Your word. All I want is You, i do not want to think about the worries of this world and in my mind. I want my heart to fully experience and trust in Your unfailing love, not by my might but by your Spirit.