Daily Prompt: Nice Is as Nice Does

Tell us about the nicest thing you’ve ever done.

The nicest thing i have done for strangers would be offering to shelter a lady with my umbrella and walking her to the bus stop during heavy rain. Other than that its either i give up my seat to old people or help them with directions when they ask me for help.

I do not remember what is the most nicest thing i have done for anybody.

For friends, to me the most nicest thing i could think of is expressing my heartfelt gratitude to them through cards with my own words or buying them food or just being there for them when they need it. I believe that the best gift i can give to them is to understand them and send them personalized messages or gifts. The same goes to my family as well although honestly it is a bit harder.

I think i dare to be more caring with people i am close to because i know them better. With people that i do not really know, i will tend to be more reserved because i do not know exactly what they need. In general, i am still nice to everyone but i guess my caring side is reserved for those who i really know and care for.

I will try to be more open and let my caring side flow out to strangers and not just friends and family. After all it is kind of selfish if i only share my good side with only my own circle. Time to break down my inner walls. But then again if i sense that my caring side is being taken advantage of, i will immediately keep it back in. For yes i do care about people but i won’t let people trample on me. Sincerity and honesty are very important to me.

I don’t understand

I don’t understand why one person being upset with another person have to somehow spread that unhappiness to the others around by pointing out others’ flaws when they come into contact with that angry person.

I don’t understand how elders want you to respect them still when even though they respect their elders but they treat the kids badly through emotional abuse. It is like no matter how hurtful their words are, they got the right to say it just because they are the elders. Bullshit honestly.

Because i am suffering from all these and i cannot vent. I cannot go up and point out the wrong because i have no right to.

As much as i tell my close friends about my problems, there is a limit to how i can fully describe my emotions.

Besides not everybody have the capacity to fully understand what i am going through and they cannot be there for me 24/7

In fact if i keep harping on this, i guess i will chase away all my friends because they will see me as a person who is forever having problems.

All i want and need is a person to be there for me 24/7. Not lover, just a friend. But nah it is too unrealistic because that person that i am wanting would need to have the emotional strength and maturity to withstand all my foolishness.

I just feel suffocated at home. I stay in my room mostly all the time because i want peace, quietness. And then i keep using my phone, like its an alternative reality for me.

Im just depressed.

Control control control

I have been going out of control recently.

Getting frustrated and annoyed easily. Using vulgarities as a form of expression of those emotions.

Those negative emotions mostly come when I’m at home.
Seeing my stepmom shouting and scolding the new maid many times a day. Even though I’m not the one being targeted at, I still feel annoyed over her. But I understand that she is trying to do her best that is why she is like that. So i suppressed my emotions, releasing it would be making the situation worse. Seeing my dad also not doing anything, can see that he is trying to maintain the peace. While my sister and i are trying to run away from all these by looking at our phones. I feel bad for alienating myself and keep staying in my room.
But that the only way I can keep my calm and not say things that i don’t mean.

I’m a clumsy person but I’m not clumsy all the time. It has been occurring more and more frequently these days and i don’t think it’s fine. I think it’s another sign that I’m losing control.

I’m just afraid i lose my sanity to anger or bitterness one day. Being too aware of everything is driving me insane somehow. Cos it’s like I know but I can’t solve it and i feel useless.

I want to release my suppressed emotions. But so far I cannot find the right place and time to vent. It’s even harder also because the emotions are like suppressed for years.

So all I do is just try to breathe. Try not to think. Control control and control.

Driven by Dysfunction

Everyone is driven by some form of dysfunction and also motivation to do something they want in life.

Whether it be getting a car, owning a house or helping the poor or be highly educated. All these desires come from both motivation and dysfunction. Because people are not perfect. And not many people know why and how their desires to achieve something come from. It is very hard to fully pinpoint out whether that desire comes from dysfunction or just motivation because there are many underlying causes that the person may not fully understand it himself. It may be an childhood incident or may be the way the person was brought up or the society’s views.

One major sign of a desire being driven by dysfunction would be the person cannot fail, the person would make sure that there is no signs of failure in achieving that desire. If the person fail, the person will be very depressed.

I think it is very important that everybody knows what is the difference between being driven by dysfunction and motivation. Because in this fast paced world where many types of desires and temptations exist, it is easy for people to get lost and consumed by their desires without knowing why and what causes it to happen.

Recently i read about the sad news that Super Junior leader Leeteuk’s father and grandparents passed away. The cause of deaths was that the father was depressed and he strangled the grandparents to death before he hanged himself. It is super tragic for the family and i cannot imagine the agony that Leeteuk felt. He mentioned years before that he did not have a good relationship with his dad and that he did not have a positive family environment to grow up in when he was young. His fans all know him as the best leader in the world, who is protective of his own group members and is a perfectionist as well. He himself said that he aims to be highly successful ever since from young. I am a super junior fan and i see how hard he pushes himself for the group. But i can see that the main reason why he pushes himself like this is because of him being driven by dysfunction. He grew up in an environment fraught with uncertainty. That is why he is super protective of his loved ones. He make sure he cannot fail. And it is a bad thing somehow because nobody is perfect and everybody will fail from time to time. And now with this tragedy, its a huge blow to him.

So it is crucial for people to be aware of this. So that they can be more aware of why they are more driven to do certain things and how to move on.

Daily Prompt: Singular Sensation

If you could have a guarantee that one, specific person was reading your blog, who would you want that person to be? Why? What do you want to say to them?

To be honest, i do not have a one single particular person in mind. But i have a group of them, my family and my close friends. To understand me better and maybe to see the other side of me that i do not frequently expressed.

Here are my inner thoughts, thoughts that i would not readily share just so easily. My dreams, my hopes, my thoughts about certain things about life. My outlet to vent when i am feeling down and burned out.

What would i want to say? Maybe all i say to them would be when they are reading my blog would be, don’t judge, try to understand and love me for who i am. That i am more than what i show in public, that i feel more despite me looking expressionless and know my ideals, vision and principles that i held on to.

But it is so hard to be so openly vulnerable to let them know how i exactly feel (especially my family) Because the closer the people are to me, the more vulnerable i get. Especially if i come here to vent and then they read and misunderstand things instead.

To me, this blog is a area where i focus on myself more. Being more aware about my actions, my thoughts and feelings. And it is an indicator of how i am doing well emotionally. Its like a journey about my life that i document here.

I will keep this blog real and open. I always like to be real and i have always strive to be real with people. That is why i cannot do superficial, small conversations about the weather.

Plea

Psalm 119:169-176

O Lord, listen to my cry: give me the discerning mind you promised.
Listen to my prayer, rescued me as you promised.
Let praise flow from my lips for you have taught me your decrees.
Let my tongue sing about your word, for all your commands are right.
Give me a helping hand, for I have chosen to follow your commandments.
O Lord, I have longed for your rescue, and your instructions are my delight.
Let me live so I can praise you, and may your regulations help me.
I have wandered away like a lost sheep; come and find me, for I have not forgotten your commands.

Right perspective

There is a big difference between being feeling guilty and self awareness.

Feeling guilty is when the person is aware of the mistake he made but he does not do anything about it. The mistake paralyses him and he just simply stay at that position.

Being self aware is when the person is aware of the mistake and takes action to resolve it or move on from it.

I had been living in guilt in terms of my relationship with God. I know that I have done so many mistakes. I don’t dare to face Him and I continue making the same mistakes. I feel miserable because of that.

I had enough of this. It’s time to start everything anew. I failed to see that I can be forgiven by God, I was in a state of self misery because I think that I don’t deserve to be forgiven. The harder I tried, the worse I became.

But God’s love is always there for me and I didn’t see it. And now I finally see.
I should no longer condemn myself anymore.

I will not let anything get in my way anymore. I will focus on You God.

Daily Prompt: Heroic

When you were five years old, who was your hero? What do you think of that person today?

My first hero would be Superman from TV. At five years old, i cannot remember anything else other than watching television and eating and sleeping.

Superman is a very famous hero character. Watching cartoons about him flying up to the sky fighting monsters and saving his girl friend who does not know his identity always keeps me interested.His big arm muscles and his laser eyes are awesome when he uses it to fight off villains.

I always wonder to myself why he just cannot show his true identity to the girl. And also i wondered why the girl friend always get caught by the evil monsters.

Other than his physical build which i like, his humble character is what makes him even more awesome. He does not need any extra attention just because of his super power.

Thinking of Superman today..hmm

I do not watch it anymore, which is like duh, because i grew out of it. But there are some life lessons i can pick up. Like humility. I always noticed that the good super hero characters do not boast of their superpowers or gifts but the evil and arrogant characters always do and they often failed miserably. It is always the humble and kind-hearted people that win in the end although they may seems to lose out at first.

Redefining

Redefining my goals of what it is meant to be happy and successful.

I have always held on to this belief that being successful is seeing my loved ones happy together and being able to do what I want. And also to help others achieve their dreams.

So I push for perfection. I hate conflicts, and get hurt easily when i receive nasty words from my loved ones. My self esteem is based on how they think of me and also how I have treated them well.

But I’m tired emotionally. It’s like I’m trying and trying but I’m not getting anywhere. I ask God countless times how long must this go on before success can be achieved.

I get hurt at home. I don’t dare to open up in church, anyway those people there also wouldn’t want to talk to me because i am so quiet. In school I play a lot to relax myself.

I thought that real happiness is in seeing your loved ones happy and no matter how much the sacrifice, I don’t mind. But I’m not that awesome either. I got my weakness too.

But I realise that no matter how much I tried, the most unhappy person is myself because I don’t see the desired results.

I have decided from now on I make myself happy first. Then I try to make others happy. How to help others when I can’t even be happy about myself? I won’t push for perfection anymore. Let the river flow, if its meant to be, it will be. I will still help people and love them in the best way that I could. But nope I will focus on myself first.

Turning 20 this year, I cannot keep being naively idealistic about everything, especially people. I have always silently wish that maybe I could be an inspiration to others if I am able to get my family to be bonded and loving. Like I can encourage those in the future who are facing a similar situation to mine. But I can’t control everything.

But I will view this from a different perspective, that even if my family is unable to be bonded in the end. I will still encourage others because I know how they feel and I can impart whatever I know to them.

No longer striving for perfection anymore.

Struggling deep within

I admit i have a lot of bitterness going on inside of me.

Anger toward people who treated me unfairly or hurt me in one way or another.

This bitterness has been slowly built up over the years.

But i believe the main reason is mainly because i do not understand why do i have to get all these treatment when i have done no wrong to them. Or maybe i am angry with God who is allowing these things to happen,

I don’t understand why is my family so dysfunctional and i am in it.

I don’t understand why some friends have to treat me unkindly, betray me or whatever

I don’t understand why i have eczema also.

If i were to combine all these problems together, i would have turned insane already.

So far i have been able to separate thoughts from emotions, being able to think logically, and that is how i moved on. But is that denial? Being able to think without feeling.

I thought i have become emotionally stronger. I did sort of but its not enough. What i successfully do is to create this numbness where i do not feel anything.

Sometimes for no reason, i will feel this anger burning inside me and i do not know why it suddenly appeared.

This anger is bitterness. Bitterness because i knew that nobody would be able to solve all these problems.

And i have to face them myself (which i think that i don’t deserve to go through)

Previous Older Entries