Last 2 weeks of holidays..

My holidays has been pretty mundane except for the few days of Chinese New Year in which i enjoyed feasting and playing and collecting red packets.

I mentioned in my previous post that i wanted to take some time off social media and the Internet to learn how to really spend time in solitude with God. Well it was not much of a success. It was hard to break off the habit. Even when spending time reading God’s Word, i still listen to music. I find it hard to focus without listening to music, i find myself becoming restless when i am reading something without music. I need to try again.

These past few weeks of holidays, i have been doing pretty much nothing. Instead i have a inner battle going on within me. That freedom of Christ that i mentioned in my previous post? The freedom is already there but i am having many struggles in embracing it. I still feel inferior when i look at my skin that is filled with plenty of marks thanks to eczema, feel lacking when i look at my peers doing better than me in many areas and just simply feel that i am not good enough for any good things in general. To sum it all up: Not good enough to receive love or any other good things. This was how i really felt.

Frankly i always feel better in giving love than receiving love. And this inferiority complex has been around for many years. It is crippling whatever confidence i have in trying out new things, especially when it comes to forging friendships with strangers. I have subconsciously put up a wall and always find myself having nothing to say in conversations with people that i barely know, although i really want to forge a deeper relationship. I am an introvert but i am not quiet.

I have been strengthening myself through the word of God. I recognize that those inferior thoughts comes from too much comparison and envy. It is so so easy to compare myself to the standards of the society, all i need to do is to open up social media. But i know that if i were to improve myself just so to hit those standards, i will never be contented and happy. My confidence comes from knowing who i am in God and who God is to me. Improving myself and trying out new things comes from an attitude to learn and not to find myself looking down on people who seems to be lacking more than me.

It is time to start living from faith’s perspective not from fear. In Proverbs there is this verse that mentioned: Fearing people is a dangerous trap but trusting the Lord means safety. I am thankful for what i have in my life. My life is in the hands of God, i do not need to compare for everyone have different destines. Why should my life be a photocopy of others? I am made happy and secure because i know i have a unconditional loving God who provide for my every need.

Give me courage, God, to step over my fear and do things according to your will. Give me courage to live out to the fullest according to how You have created my life to be. I want to be an overcomer, turning impossible into possible because of the grace You have given to me.