End November

So right now I’m in church helping out with RGB for a women ministry event. Actually I don’t really have much to do and can join them but I don’t want to. Don’t really like hands on stuff in decoration. Lack of confidence I supposed. 

This morning I woke up at 5 with a sudden jolt because I suddenly remembered that I need to help out in this event. And I have to submit my parts for IB to my friend today. So I on full pressure mode did my work from 5 to 6, and then from 9 plus to 11 plus. Managed to finish half and i got the another half to complete tonight. 
Tomorrow I have to complete another report and revise for a test. Honestly I feel that my time is not used well. I can do something better with it. 
All I wanna do is to help people with their problems, listen and give encouragement. Although I’m an introvert . At least that can make a difference. Or go swimming, reading. 
But I still have not iron out my own issues . I find myself thinking and thinking but not doing anything. I need pressure. Need somebody to just push me to do it. 
Oh Christmas is coming, love the decorations being put up in malls, Christmas songs being played in stores although well there is no snow. But you can feel the festive spirit, the relaxing mood of everybody. Every time when the first signs of Christmas appears, I know that my birthday is coming. I still am excited that my birthday is coming even thought my peers or people in general are not excited about their own birthdays nowadays. The little kid in me still anticipates although there may be actually nothing to look forward for. Well at least I lived on for another year, no matter how much negative thoughts I have, by God grace I did not give up on myself. And I still have the desire to help others, still looking at life with a idealistic outlook. 

One thought

I am supposed to be doing my projects now, but i am distracted.

On Tuesday evening, i attended a passion unleashed seminar at SMU alone. I was invited to go for this event by the founder whom i bump into when working during my last vacation. It is a motivational seminar, as the name itself has already suggests. I was expecting students to be there but to my surprise, most of the people were working adults. People from different professions from there, i met a engineer, finance director and an aspiring song composer. The seminar was inspiring with candid stories shared by a local filmmaker and a young lady about how they reach their goals and the difficulties they went through.

I felt encouraged to be in a group of people who are optimistic and have dreams. During the seminar, the young lady shared about a crazy idea that she had which is to get 800 people in the public to share their dreams on 12 December 2012. The date was chosen because it sounded 12 12 12, which is want to, want to, want to. So she and her group of friends went ahead with the idea with a support of a company and approached 800 people. The results brought back a reality check to her. Out of the 800 people they asked, 700 people said they do not have a clear dream, many ladies replied they want to marry a rich man, or else there were answers like wanting to own a villa and other material possessions. She felt sad and i feel the same way too. Like people are not having dreams and they are just living for the sake of survival. Saddening fact.

What contributed to this cold fact that people are not thinking about their own dreams that they want to fulfill? It is okay to be practical and realistic but too much of it over time causes a person to be cynical and stifles the person’s soul to freely imagine. Is Singapore such a hard place to live in that people do not have the courage to pursue their dreams? Singapore is a first world country, we have almost everything we need. It is understandable if the person is born in a poorer country and it is harder to achieve the goals.
It is the society’s mentality. The scarce mentality.

I believe that the education system plays an tremendous role in shaping the future of the country, especially in terms of mindset. Why people do not dare to dream? Part of the answer lies in the academic results of the person. For example: The person childhood’s ambition was to become a lawyer/doctor, but look at reality to get into law school or medical school, the grades must be super good. The entry requirements are just simply too high for the person to reach. Must the person be extremely smart to have a chance to hit his dream? How about the other aspects of the person, like soft skills? Not everybody has high IQ, everybody has different talents and the education system has to recognize that to bring out the best of everybody.

How did i end up exploring till this depth? I just am sad when people loses their soul and only lives for the sake of earning money because the society believes it to be the only way, i believe everyone can make a unique contribution. Oh well.

Whirlpool of emotions

My emotions have been fluctuating since last Saturday, with unusually happy moments and deeply sad moments. And it turns out that it is because of PMS. -.-‘

Last Saturday i attended a workshop in church conducted by Dr Gary McIntosh on overcoming the dark side of leadership. This workshop really provoked me, it kind of made me really look into the dark side of myself and identify certain aspects of myself that i do not like to face. But i have to face in order to overcome it to be a more emotionally healthy person and be the best that i can be. I came to the realization that if i want to help my family to be more emotionally healthier, i have to overcome my own dark side first. It is hard, especially when the greatest enemy is yourself.

I find out that some of my greatest motivations came from my personal dysfunctions. There are pros and cons in this. The advantage is that you will make sure that the particular thing will be done in the best way that you think. However the disadvantage is that you will be forever stuck in the trap of not being able to move on from the personal dysfunction because you are focusing on trying to correct the particular thing forever. Quite difficult to comprehend what i just wrote right? Well i cannot be too honest here, that is why i wrote it this way.

After the workshop, i suddenly wanted to visit the christian bookstore that i have not been since early February this year. The bookstore actually relocated to orchard and so i went there. However when i finally reach, the shop had actually moved out and it is on hiatus. So i felt quite disappointed and with my messed up emotions, i wandered around orchard aimlessly for an hour. Just feeling lost and tired. In the end, i walked myself to Swensons and ate dinner there. I felt like an idiot at that moment.

On Sunday after church service, i took the wrong train accidentally and i only found out when my music player crashed twice in the train. Thank God that He hinted me, i was only 2 stops further away from my starting point.

I made a couple of clumsy mistakes this week in school too, i guess my frame of mind is kind of blur ever since the workshop ended. I need time to confront those issues but i don’t have it now as it is emotionally taxing to do it.

That aside, this week was really fun for me. I played a lot with my friends, had a good time ~

Next week i will be buried with school work, as presentations and reports are due in 2 weeks time.

And life goes on.

Vent

This post is gonna be about me venting about my skin condition. It’s gonna be negative.

I’m just too frustrated and impatient with myself. I got eczema. It’s a condition I had since young and I was diagnosed with it last year. 
Why so long? Well when I was young, the naive me thought that it was the Mosquitos who love me too much that why I keep getting marks on my skin. And I just scratch it whenever it itches, I didn’t care that there would be scars because I wasn’t so concerned with the concept of beauty at that age. 
2 years ago, my skin condition suddenly worsen, the insides of my elbows and knees developed severe rashes. I tried to use normal cream to solve it but it wouldn’t go away. So I decided to consult a doctor at the clinic and then subsequently from there I slowly moved on to polyclinic and then to hospital for treatment. 
It’s frustrating for me both physically and emotionally. I will wake up at odd hours in the night because of the itchiness. I took anti itch pills (non drowsy) to help but it seems like my subconscious willpower to scratch is even more powerful to overcome the anti itch pills effect. There is the drowsy anti itch pills that I have but I refused to take because its really so drowsy. My mind will only wake up at noon of the next day and also I don’t want to rely on pills too much. 
I do buy creams to help remove the scars by lightening it. I definitely feel self conscious at times when I’m out in the public wearing shorts or short sleeve shirts because of the scars on my arms and legs. I don’t want to hide them mainly because I want to face my condition bravely and I need to let my skin have some air. Yes I know i will be judged somehow and I always just know it when it happens. But no I am not gonna let others dictate how I should wear or cover myself just because of that.
The medicine in treating the eczema is good but they leave marks on my skin after that. It takes weeks for the marks to be gone through my daily routine of applying the cream. So can you imagine the frustration I felt when the marks finally disappear and the eczema appears again. There are many triggers to how eczema may come back again and it is not within my control. Eczema cannot be cured, it can only be controlled. 
So what if I’m skinny or have a nice figure? The scars just ruin it all. I really want a normal skin. I think it is a blessing to have normal skin already. I’m the only one in my family to have eczema. 
I’m just impatient with my skin progress. So tiring day by day having to kind of fight a battle internally with your skin.  

Interest

I mentioned several times before that i am interested in reading up about personality types. Mainly because it is interesting and i understand people better based on that.

And so i just randomly thought of trying to find out my family’s personality types. Based on my own observation which is not 100 per cent accurate, i gather that.

My Dad is a ISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging)
My Auntie is a ESTJ (Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging)
My sister is a ESFJ ( Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging)
I am a INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging)

The common fact about all of us is the J part which means that we take deadlines seriously, hate to be late, like to make plans in advance and am uncomfortable with last minute changes.
I am the only intuitive one and intuitive means that i focus more on the future, process information through patterns and impressions (big picture oriented) and read between the lines. The rest who are sensing types means that they focus on the present, process factual  information through the five senses and see things as they simply are.
My dad and i are introverts, i would say that i am more extroverted than him even though i am a introvert. It just depends who i am with. While my dad would still prefer to be doing his own things on his laptop.
My sister and my auntie are extroverts, they always like to find people to chat and they don’t mind helping out for events for a few days in a row if they could.

I guess since i know their personality types, i should try to understand them better. (You see, knowing too much does not help sometimes) Heh. But yes i will try to find out that motivates them and what ticks them off and be attentive to their needs.

Uneventful Friday

Today is the second Friday of the new semester in which I have no lessons on.

I’m thankful that I have nothing on, many people will want to be in my position right now. But I get bored easily. Last Friday I was practically dying of boredom.
I need to do something, move around. Not those kind of people who can be glued to their laptops or phones for the whole day. To me, I find it meaningless.
This morning I went to the market with my family. Honestly I feel stupid sometimes because till now I still don’t know how to order food, choose food from the market. I’m not even sure if I step in there in the future. It’s time to grow up and be more independent. Yes to me this is how being independent should be like. Not having to depend on anyone else when you can get those things yourself. 
( okay see how much I think here, back to main topic)
Casting those thoughts aside, I was just having a uneventful morning with my family. Playing with my brother, but got no stamina (feel like I’m turning old already)
I was very sleepy when noon came.
Mainly because my dream was so vivid last night that it took away whatever rest I’m supposed to be getting.
My dreams have been bad recently, not sure what it means, it maybe that I’m over thinking during the day. I was like half asleep for an hour plus. 
There is a reason why I hate to be bored, because I will start thinking deeply about everything. And then I start uncovering every flaw and then I be blaming myself for not being able to be better. Of course this is not happening all the time if not i go crazy already. I just tell everything to God and not worry. 
Recently I keep seeing linkages between events or situations that is unexpected and I believe God is behind this. It surprises me in a good way also and it seems to give me hints. (Honestly, God, you really want me to go back there?) I have been making deliberate efforts to run away and then this sort of situations happens. 
Sometimes i honestly lack faith in myself.
I wonder is it possible that I have the courage to do it, the love to overcome all those obstacles. This situation I’m facing is not something normal. It is big, really. Because I know there is something wrong, I have the responsibility to change it ( honestly I wish I didn’t know that) 
It is either going down as a biggest miracle for me or the biggest letdown and I definitely cannot let it fail. 
So God, help me, guide me, lead me, because I don’t think I can do it all by myself.  

4 November 2013

My new maid has been staying with us for a month already and she is still not used to her work responsibilities. My auntie has been practically scolding her everyday for the careless mistakes. I can only sigh and shake my head at this. If this goes on, i think their lives will kind of shorten by a year, with one frequently scolding and one getting scolded.

Lets move on…

I just find it plain annoying at times that i cannot fully put my thoughts down through written or verbal communication. It is just like a thought that is stuck in my head, floating and disappearing as soon as it appears. I guess it is due to the fact that i am impatient and distracted. I have to admit, i am impatient, in the sense that i want things done quickly and smoothly. And i get annoyed if things are not done because of some small stupid reason. I get distracted easily also because i like to focus on living on my imagination and not in reality sometimes. Simply put, i daydream. Right, i should improve on my weakness.

In awe of writers who can beautifully craft out words out of a language into a beautiful story. Words are meaningless and have no form on its own actually. People bring it to life either to uplift people or to destroy people. Writers let us in into their own world through their story. Without writers, this world would just be a cold and practical place with no soul in it. There is no restriction on self-expression and it is wonderful. Especially so when everybody in this world is trying to project a certain image of themselves to look strong and in the process forgot who they really are.

I always support the fact that everybody is unique in their own special ways. And it is a loss to the world and to the person itself if the person tries to be or act like another individual. By doing so, it brings misery and confusion to oneself. There is a no need to look particularly strong to fit in to society. If everybody is of one certain image, then in the first place, God would have just created one type of people. The greatest tragedy of all is not getting sick physically, but being miserable all through life trying to act like another person to be happy and only realizing at your deathbed that happiness comes from being yourself.

Side note: Usually when im blogging, i need my own privacy. Just me, not being secretive or anything but i feel like this is a personal outlet for me.

Hi November

November has arrived. And in another 2 months, 2014 will arrive and it is my official 20th year of living on earth. 
I don’t feel that old actually. I’m still 18 now hehe and maybe when I turn 21, I start feeling it.
My last semester of my final year in poly has begun on Monday. No longer I am fretting about what others think about me . Instead I turn my attention to my friends and am determined to make my last semester enjoyable. And with a silent hope that the bonds of friendship that I have created in poly will last through life. 
Being in poly has taught me many things. I have become more mature and realistic in some areas, and most importantly I have learnt to accept myself for who I simply am. When you accept yourself for who you are and treat others with kindness, people will give you basic respect even if they dislike you. 
It is time to stop landing myself in a self identity crisis. I still am in a process of learning and becoming better as long as I believe in myself. 
Moving on, 
I am fascinated with looking at the skies above me sometimes. Especially after a long day and I’m greeted with a calming scene above me. It’s so wonderful, the skies cannot be modified by humans and it is just simply a masterpiece by God.
Here are some photos I took 🙂

 

I love evening skies.