Subconscious tension

I did not really achieve the aims i set out for this month. I did not really did all the exercises in the book that i mentioned in my previous post. Instead i find myself being sort of going through a emotional upheaval myself not knowing exactly why. I just feel not myself and i let my emotions rule what i do.

I did not really talk to God either even though i know the best way is to let God take control. So i am subconsciously tense, because my dreams at night have been stressful. Actually i know what is causing me to feel this way, but i don’t want to dwell much on it. That is my struggles with being able to express my love freely towards the people i love (hurt) the most. I have so many thoughts in my head but i get paralyzed whenever i see them. I just automatically do my own normal stuff and feeling miserable inside for not doing, for not expressing. Have i love enough i wonder?

I know that i have build up an inner wall in my heart due to the past. I know that only God can help me set free from it. But i find myself going back into that prison so easily whenever i get weak because i am used to that familiarity. After all i am so used to keeping my emotions in that it becomes a way of living for me. But i know that it is not sustainable in the long run. I can’t keep going back to that way because i know it has a negative impact on me. I find myself having digestive problems, like finding food hard to swallow and my chest hurts.

I am not fully living freely. My thoughts are either going back to the past or endlessly thinking about the future. I want so badly to live in the present moment. This holiday i have been doing the things i want to do and i am happy but not that happy.

Just as i was typing this post, i received a negative info that my dad may want to resign because he has problems with his boss. I am told to be more conscious of what i should be doing, like being more prudent with money bla bla.

I am the eldest, i really dislike it sometimes. I have to be the strong one, i have to get my act together and be the responsible one. Nobody ever ask me how i really feel, what my worries are and what i hope or really want. I find myself automatically fulfilling that role that is why in friendships i automatically become the one that gives advice and encouragements to others. I am not being resentful. It is just i don’t like this aspect that because i am like this, i did not give myself space to be weak, that i don’t know how or where to receive encouragement when i needed it. I don’t know how to ask, the right way to ask.

So all this tension just keep on building up. I want to live freely, the kind of freedom that God has promised to me. That liberation. God says to me to be still. I am having struggles to be still. I feel like a child all over again, learning how to walk and take my first steps of what being God’s child means. I need to give up on my own ways and walk in faith knowing that it is safe and perfectly safe if i fall, because God is behind me. The first step is to communicate with Him and not keep it inside like i always do.

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Aims for October

  
I have received the copy of the spiritual white space book and I am thinking of doing those exercises this month during my holidays. It is time that I explore issues that is important and make some closure from that. I would not say that I will get full healing from these exercises but I will be making a significant step to that destination with the grace of God. I am turning 21 at the end of the year, and stepping into adulthood would require me to decide things for myself and be independent. 

My last exam paper is on Monday. I thank God for helping me in my past two papers which I find manageable. I actually have tension headaches on both days of my two exam papers. I think I strain my eyes too much from reading the textbooks in the iPad mini. I thank God that the headaches were gone by the afternoon before the exams which were conducted at night. 

Last night I went for church prayer meeting. I think it’s the first time that I am going out of my own accord and not because I am on duty. I have always desire to go there every month but I always procrastinate or prioritise other stuff over it. I know God wants me to go. I love the atmosphere there, being able to feel God’s sweet presence and there are not many people so I feel more comfortable. 

The message that God wants for me is to be still. Be still and let God take over. Frankly that is my biggest struggle so far. I cannot do nothing. I am always doing something. Because whenever I am completely still, I feel vulnerable. I don’t know what to think or say. But I know that being still is vital finding rest in God. Not just physical rest but emotional and mental rest in Him. I don’t need to strive, I just need to trust. I got a glimpse of what it means when I was in the prayer meeting last night. The sense of soul satisfaction and unconditional love. It is so wonderful and liberating. 

I spent today studying, doing my stuff like usual. But I feel empty inside. Because I need to be refreshed deep within. I know part of the reason is not having deep conversations with people for a long while. I need that human touch. Finding rest in God is one major aspect. But connecting meaningfully to others is also an important aspect. 

I am still bad at asking people for help when it comes to issues like these. Emotional issues. I don’t know how to even ask. I want people to care and ask for my welfare. I do have friends who truly cares for me and ask how I have been. But I want something deeper than that. I want people to ask me on how I feel deep down within on certain issues and give me space to express my thoughts and feelings. It is so weird to ask people to ask myself. I don’t even know how to even pop that question. I just want people who believes in me and brings out the best in me. I am praying to God for a mentor also, cos I need guidance and I know that friends may not be able to answer all my questions due to lack of experiences. 

I feel lonely at times. I crave for that meaningful connection and concern. I realised that i won’t usually open up about my problems unless I am asked to or I think the person will be okay with listening to it. Usually when I am with a friend, I will be more focused on the matters of the friend rather than myself. I know if I need more support, I need to be more proactive in asking for it. It may seems weird but so far that is the only idea I have. 

I just need more courage, less pride and more trust. May this month be a fruitful month for personal growth.