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“Let go of what holds you and let God hold you”

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I came across this book by Bonnie Gray last week in library and i borrowed it out of curiosity. I did not expect that i will be taking almost a week to read finish this book. This book is about more than just reading about ways to get proper rest but it also involves healing from one’s past. It involves looking back into the past to make peace with it, to accept one’s brokenness and letting God come in to heal and love the broken parts of myself that i don’t want to see. In this book, the author shares candidly about her struggles in life as she suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms in her late thirties due to her bad childhood that she suppressed within.

Even though her stories are different from mine, but i can relate to the strategies that she used to force herself to get over her feelings of abandonment and of not being loved as she grew up. She became more driven and logical to want to grow up successful and happy. She did not like seeing her broken self, so she suppressed her feelings and concentrated her energy to become more successful instead. She did do well as an adult but whatever that is kept suppressed will never go away unless she faces it bravely. This book recounts how she break and how she slowly let God into her broken places, letting herself meet the wounded self.

At the end of her candid sharing in every chapter, there is an application to be done. Examples includes writing a letter to God and imagining how God would talk to you in a specific area. Majority of the applications are on exploring the deepest broken areas of the self and letting God come in to do the healing. There are also strategies on making time for soul rest.

Frankly right now is not a good time for me to be doing all these stuff because it involves a lot of emotional energy and i am in the midst of rushing to complete my assignments. But i did think about all those questions and it is not easy. I realized that i have been avoiding the broken parts of myself instead of just accepting it as part of me, as part of God’s story. I am more concerned on becoming better and trying to conceal those parts, i suppressed it. But deep down i know that it is never over. I thought that praying to God and releasing it all to Him would solve everything but i realized that if i do not face up to it, i will never get over it.

I realized that i do not give myself time and space for my broken self and i think i never talk about it before to anybody. I have this mistaken belief that focusing on myself too much may lead to self pity. But this is different from self pity. Yes i have been broken before in some places but what keeps me going is God’s unconditional love towards me. I need to start reviewing my beliefs, i need to have a new perspective of what rest and trusting God means. Because i realized that i have been seeing it in a partly wrong way all along.

I thank God for managing to read this book. i got this book from a christian section. God told me before to stop going to read more self help books and stuffing myself with more knowledge because it is not getting me anywhere but i still do it out of habit whenever i visit the library. This book is unlike typical self help books where it says you must be better, can be better and all those lines. This book is saying, stop striving so hard, accept yourself, love yourself, allow yourself to heal and let God come in.

Most probably i will start doing those application questions during the holidays, i am planning to purchase this book because it is a timeless book and it is hard to find this kind of books nowadays.

It is Your Presence in my life that satisfies

From now till mid Sept, i will be really busy doing and submitting assignments. During stressful periods like this when my energy level gets really low, i will tend to not think of anything at all and just rest. I know i need to get away from people when my energy levels are low because i tend to get more annoyed really easily and i don’t feel like talking at all.

My main source of encouragement and energy comes from spending time with God and releasing everything to Him. But its get harder for me to spend time with Him during busy periods where i will be more concerned about getting my work done quickly. And that in part causes my energy levels to fall down more quickly than usual because i am not getting any energy bar refills. I am still learning on letting go and trusting God. To make time for Him even in the midst of all the busyness, because everything is in His Hands after all and there is no need for me to worry so much over it.

This song is one of my favorite christian songs. Indeed it is Your Presence in my life that satisfies.

Underlying issues

i started this blog for an intention to release all my thoughts and feelings, so I don’t have any need to please anybody who come across this blog. It is an outlet for me to vent when I have nowhere else to go to.

I do have underlying issues that pulls me down because I know that the price is too high for me to pay if I open it up to somebody. Only God knows. I know that healing comes from opening up. But I don’t have anybody I fully trust, that the person will not judge or change his/her impression of me because of that issue. 

But I know that I cannot keep it to myself forever. I thought I could and get over it myself with God’s strength. But now I realised I can’t, because if I were to break, nobody else will know about it. 

So I can only pray that God will send me a person to help me. A person that I can really trust. I do trust people in general but not fully especially when it comes to sensitive issues like this. But I need to open up, because if not I will keep doing foolish stuff and it is not right for myself. 

Suppressed feelings

I know that there are suppressed feelings within me and it always surfaces whenever something hit close to home. I know i always suppress it even more whenever it comes because i am not quite sure what to do with it. I will end up building walls around myself subconsciously again because i am not used to feeling so vulnerable.

These suppressed feelings that i have are mainly feelings of anger, insecurity and anxiousness. A part of me wants to kill myself, a part of me wants to live. I feel suffocated and restless and i just want to attempt something crazy. I know that all of these feelings are not wise to be acted upon and so i always try to suppress it by engaging myself in another activity.

Of course i know that i have to surrender it all to God. But i am still so stubborn. I will still try to control it myself out of habit even though i pray. Surrendering is a conscious decision. It is a decision that i will consciously decide what can come in to my thoughts and what does not. It takes discipline. Telling God that i give him everything is one step, but i have to carry it out in action by consciously disciplining my thoughts and feelings. It is not easy especially in moments when i am really tired and i just end up having stupid thoughts and doing stupid stuff.

God’s promises are all there for me in the bible, i can claim it. I have to stop being so idle and give up when those feelings come. I really hate my pride sometimes. Sometimes i just wish there can be something that breaks me completely so that i can be healed and start anew. And the first step comes from letting God take control.

My love towards God is bigger than me loving myself, i will not give up.

Struggles in loving my family in action

My biggest struggle for many years is in loving my family with actions. I love them but i suck at showing them. I do nothing to show that i love them in action. Because there is an ongoing battle within myself. It is so hard to show love to the people whom i love and also been hurt by the most because of the vulnerability. My aunt brought this issue up today when i was having dinner with her. She wants me to do more in action, saying that my dad is now about to burn out and i can do better.

I can love my friends and really live it out in action. I can do it for people outside but yet i can’t do it for my family. Do you know how that feels? It is not that i do not want to love, but i am struggling. Part of me wants to love freely, part of me is afraid and another part of me is angry. The part of me that is afraid is like this because i do not want to get rejected, even though i know i should not depend on feelings much to carry out my actions. I am still like a kid at heart, i am afraid of the disapproval or criticism which i have been constantly exposed to in the volatile environment that i grow up in.  The part of me that is angry is angry because i have thoughts of, ‘Why should i show the love in that way when i am not given that in the first place?’ They did not provide me the love that i so needed and now that i am turning into a adult, i suddenly have the responsibility to show that to them? It is like giving something that i do not have in the first place. I feel bitter.

Self-centered thoughts right? I know i can do better but my pride is in the way every time. I have forgiven them already, but i am still struggling with that anger subconsciously. That explains my inaction. I just do nothing constructive to show my love except in words during special occasions.

I feel like a failure. I want to love but i don’t do it because i cannot get past myself. Time to time i will have extreme thoughts like: What happens if they die in an accident or what one day? How do i live with that? It is like telling myself that time is short and i should make the best of what i have but it is all stuck in my head. Worrying over nothing.

God wants me to surrender all to Him and just live out loving freely. I am doing better in other areas in letting Him take control. But i find it so hard to give Him this, i feel that i am losing control. I know that it is way better to let Him take control. The problem with me is that i know what to do but yet i do not do it. The pride issue, the vulnerability issue.

I thought i did better actually. Which is sort of true because i still grow up well and did not turn crazy despite the adversities i faced. And i know that God is holding me well when i was undergoing bad times because i cannot find any other reason as to why i still make it out fine. The strength that i have in those moments is definitely not my own but God silently carrying me through in the background. That is why i really believe in His existence and that He is a loving God.

It is a struggle between my pride and my surrender to God. But i love God more than my pride and i will try. I won’t give up so easily. In doing this, i will ask God to give me strength because there is no way i can do this on my own. God has always been sustaining and giving me strength from the past and i know He won’t fail me although i failed Him so many times. Sometimes the fact that God’s love is unconditional, that He loves still despite the person’s weaknesses and past just blows my mind. It is hard for me to really process it in its entirety. What i learn is that i do not have to understand God’s thoughts for every single matter, all i have to do is just trust Him. This will be a lesson that i will keep learning as life continues to flow unpredictably.