Waiting in God’s timing can be tiring

I believe that in this season of waiting and looking for a job, i am learning and growing in my walk with God. I am learning to trust in Him more than ever before.

This is the first time in my life that i am experiencing life like this whereby i do not know where i will be tomorrow or next week. I do not know when i will ever get the job, where exactly i am working in and all. I really am clueless. All i know is God will provide me the job in His timing. I cannot measure God’s timing though.

I do not know if i am doing enough now. I look and apply for jobs on weekdays. My weekends are spent volunteering in IMH  and church. It is not like i am being passive or anything. I do not rush myself also, i look at the job scope carefully before applying because i know that i need to have some interest towards it.

There is a voice in my head which is constantly testing my faith by making me feel like i have not done enough. A lot of maybes and i am getting confused. Questions like should i get a part time job if i really cannot find my desired job now? Should i volunteer more at other places? Is it right that i am just waiting like this everyday? There are so many options but i

Sometimes i reach the point of not even wanting to mention this job issue because i am tired of having to say the same things over and over again without having a concrete answer. I do not have a very detailed answer. All i know is i am going to work in social work towards youths and families because my interest is in there. I do not have any specific organization that i am very interested in, i leave it to God to open the door for me.

I thank God that in this season of waiting, i get to spend more time doing my hobbies and meeting my friends. I thank God for the opportunity to spend more time with God also and resting in His love.

It is really a journey of faith now. There are so many questions that only God can answer in His time. I know that my days are ordained in His book and i will never ever fall out of God’s hands. For all i know, God probably will not give me the job unless i learn certain lessons in this season of waiting. I need to learn to live like a child of God and strengthen myself in His word.

FIX MY EYES ON CHRIST AND NOT ON CIRCUMSTANCES ( i have to do this everyday to remind myself) I know that my future is secured, i just need to learn how to surrender and let go and tell God.

 

Advertisements

Living as a child of God

In this current season whereby i am still in the process of looking for a job, i am also learning how to live as a child of God. Knowing God is one thing, knowing who i am in relation to God in my life is a whole new paradigm shift. Living as a child of God is a deliberate daily effort to fix my eyes on Him above my circumstances and walking by faith knowing that i am always loved in spite of how i may feel.

Who is God to me?

To me, God is my Savior, Creator, King, Lord, Counselor, Lover, Friend, Healer, Author and Defender. Describing who God fully represents in a word is not possible at all. The most intimate term that i like to describe my relationship with God is that He is my daddy God. He is a God of the universe and a loving Father to me also.

So often than not, i will just let my relationship with God end on this level and i will not think about who i am in relation to God. Because i find myself lacking, i will forever be lacking and so when bad times come, i will end up falling apart. My identity as a child of God was not firmly rooted in my heart. It is one thing to know it in my head, it is a whole different thing to absorb and live out this truth in my heart.

As i grow older, i start to slowly see the significance of what Jesus has actually done when He died for the cross for everybody. His death on the cross did not just simply take away our sins, He also gave us new identities as sons and daughters of God to those who believe in Him and made a way for all of us to approach God freely without having to be afraid or shameful. We are approved in God’s sight because Jesus has paid the price for us.

What does being a child of God means?

I can freely come to God anytime without feeling condemned or unworthy because Jesus has paid the price for my sins.

I am unconditionally loved and accepted which means i do not have to seek for approval from others because i am already approved by God who created me and knows me intimately.

I am part of God’s family and i have a divine inheritance in which i can freely come to God to ask for His wisdom, power and courage. The Holy Spirit is inside of me which testifies to me being a child of God.

My eternity is secured and death has no power over me.

I do not need to worry about the future because God has marked out my future in His Hands and He will provide for all of my needs.

I am God’s workmanship, God will mold me to be like Him as i choose to follow and obey Him. He is the author of my story. I do not need to think too much on what i am lacking.

Living out as a child of God is not an automatic thing because i am a human and it is so easy to get swayed and caught up in the things and voices of this world. The voices of the world that everybody is living in is not kind at all. It is harsh, it emphasizes humans’ worth based on what they can do and not in who they are. This world wants to see concrete results such as accomplishments, awards, profits and status which does not fully answer the longings of unconditional love and acceptance that all humans seek for deep within. This world demands for conformity to its standard of success which looks glamorous but shallow deep within and it does not take into account the uniqueness of every individual.

Living out as a child of God is never possible based on my human strength. The Holy Spirit in me is the One who helps me to live it out. My relationship with God is not something that i brainwashed myself into, it is a living relationship that gets tested by the unpredictability of life most of the time.

This current season of life that i am living in now is pushing me onto a whole new level of walking with God. I am applying for social service jobs purely on faith. I am not even looking for other jobs. I get tested with many what if thoughts every day. I do not know when i will actually start working. I am not even rushing myself so hard to apply or get too frantic by the bad news in job markets because living as a child of God means that i have a God who has me in His Hands and that i will get a job on His timing eventually.

Living as a child of God means that i do not need to live according to the demands of this world. I freely entrust everything to God first and always. Each time i feel shaken, i turn to God. I place my trust on who God is and who i am in relation to God. I do this by reading the Bible so that i know who God is and worshiping Him. On my part, i have to remind myself of who i am in God and God will take care of the rest. I am so thankful that each time i come to God, He draws close to me with His loving presence and peace that surpasses all human understanding. My rest and soul is made complete in His presence which i will never take it for granted. Such a precious gift that is made available to anybody who believes in Him. Walking with God is an adventure simply because i do not know what is coming next but my future is guaranteed in His Loving Hands.

 

Operating from a faith paradigm

After the disappointing setback from my first job, I have actually entered into a low phrase. I felt really disappointed with the way things have turned out and i came face to face with the fact that i am actually not strong enough and i have certain false expectations towards the job.

I told everybody and myself included that i will go back to find HR jobs first to build up my professional capabilities and i will go back into social service in the future when i am more equipped professionally and personally. HR is not a bad choice, after all i do have some previous working experience in that field.

However my passion is not in HR, it is still related to social service field. I thought that i can always come back to my passion later. But there is this sense of discontent within me that refuses to go away. I applied for HR jobs with no feelings, it is really just finding a match between my qualifications and what they need. I went for 3 HR interviews with no success, and the main reason is because my passion is not showing across during the interview as much as i tried to. Interviews are about selling yourself well right? I just could not fake my passion or myself.

I reached to a point whereby i tell God that i honestly do not know what to do with my life. I told God i surrender all to Him, but my meaning of surrender is actually me giving up in an air of defeat. I just could not see where i am going. I tried applying for HR jobs mostly is because i want a comfortable life although my passion is not there. However i realized that i cannot work in a job with no passion. As much as i tried to ignore this passion factor, it disturbs me a lot inside and it is my downfall in interviews because i cannot fake it.

I cannot run away from the calling that God has placed into my heart. The desire to help the vulnerable in society is still going strong inside me even though i got badly burnt by my first job experience. My first job experience taught me a lot of things and revealed to me the danger of placing too much of my self-worth in work. I realized that in my pursuit of finding a meaningful job, i have tied my self-worth to that too. That is partly why i got so discouraged badly when my first job experience ended badly. My identity as a child of God is not strong enough to sustain me in difficult moments. I believe that God allowed that job experience to refine me and show me parts of myself that needs to be strengthened. I also was not ready to make personal sacrifices, i wanted a comfortable life whereby i can leave work at work and have time for myself to do what i want to do.

It is a personal struggle. It is either my will or God’s will. Since secondary school, i have told God that my life’s purpose is to fulfill the purpose that He has called me for. Social work were the two words placed into my heart when i was 16 even though i am clueless about it back then. The desire to help others started from there. It was the reason why I pursued psychology in university even though i had previously studied business in poly. I could have pursued a social work degree, but back then i could not make it in due to age and the circumstances i was in. I still want to do God’s Will and i have to be ready to give up all that i have to follow Him. My heart is already captured by the unconditional grace and love that God has given and i cannot ignore His calling.

Luke 9: 62

Jesus replied,” No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”

Luke 14: 26-27

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Am i willing to give up all that i have to serve God? Loving God is putting Him above my needs and desires. God will take care of all that i need and the people that i care for. It is a matter of faith and trust in a God who has already secured my future.

Romans 8: 28-39

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us,who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns?No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[b]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[c] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have decided to follow Christ. I am going to solely concentrate my focus on looking for social service jobs. The path will be tough but nothing is impossible with God on my side. I am learning to wait upon God. Which means i am not eagerly rushing or anxious to apply for jobs the minute i see it, but to turn it all over to Him in prayer and to live life joyfully. The past few weeks i have been living in a state of worry, like as if i do not have God. It is so easy to go into a state of worry because the world is full of demands. This is where i choose to live differently. God is so so much bigger than the mountains i am facing now. He will definitely provide me a job soon. It is the process that matters more not the destination, and i am learning how to live out from a faith paradigm. I do not have to fret when i see gloomy news because i serve a faithful and mighty God. I need to learn to rest upon His promises in His Word for He is my Hope.

2016 

Hi! Been a really long while since I last posted. It is due to the fact that I started to keep a private journal offline. I do not want my thoughts to be scattered all over in different outlets. 

So why I am back here? Just to share some thoughts about the events that I encountered this year and trying to see a bigger perspective from all the things that I have been through. 

Summing up the past 9 months of 2016 in one word would be: Change. 

There were many ups and downs for me this year. The major up would be the fact that God has blessed me with a new group of Christian friends that I met only in my final semester of university. However my friendship with them is still going very strong. I am really happy to have met them because they are the type of godly friends that I have prayed to God many times before. They love God and they unconditionally support and love me too. The best gift I can give back to them would be unconditional love and support with God’s grace. I do still love my cell group too, still need to pray for God to strengthen the fellowship and love. I know that my priority will be cell group first always. I want to be greedy, want to have cell group and my new group of friends. 

Another major up is the fact that I graduated from university. Really thankful to God for it. I have kind of completed my education. Though I know that I will most probably pursue future studies, see where God leads. 

There are consistent ups in my life too like my family and friends. The fact that I am still living with a roof over my head and with food to eat is something that I will not take for granted. 

I knew that 2016 will be an uncertain year for me because I am graduating and I will have to find a job. 

God let me go through numerous trials this year to shape me and break my bad parts away from me. It is a painful process and it is still going on now. 

The refining of my character started in my final arts edge module in university earlier this year. I was leading the class to create a symposium from scratch. There was plenty of emotional energy being spent because I have to move out of my comfort zone to make a conscious effort to care for the people I’m leading for and to learn how to communicate tactfully when conflicts arises. A lot of the work being produced at the symposium is all done by my classmates, I am just helping to make sure that they do it by a certain timeframe. Which means that I cannot personally control a lot of things. This is where I faced my own weaknesses and I see my blind spot. I start to really surrender everything to God and the success of the symposium is really by God’s grace. 

Graduating is a happy thing for me but it is scary because I am stepping out into a different world. I know that I want to work in a career whereby I can make a positive difference in the lives of others. 

By God’s grace, I found a first job of that nature after about a month of Job searching. Never did I expect that I’m stepping into a fiery furnace. I was unprepared personally and professionally in the environment that I faced that I left after 3 weeks into the job. The environment was not giving me the support that I need to do well there. It is a painful decision for me to quit but I know that I’m not ready. I felt that I disappointed God in some sense because He graciously gave me that job although I lack the necessary qualifications to be in it. But I honestly felt so so much better after leaving, and I know that this is a sign that God is okay with me making that decision. 

I have decided to pursue a job in a different field now. It has been quite a rough road, went for a few interviews with no success. Deep down I’m still wondering if going back to this field is God’s will for me. I am determined to make God will the leading voice of my life. I know my heart is not exactly in this field. I’m only applying because I need a job. I will go back to my passion in the future 

I do not know where I should go honestly. My soul is weary and I need a new heart. I don’t know if I should try applying again in the field where my heart lies because I have been burnt by it. God is my healer, he will heal my wounds. I’m just feeling stuck in life now. I know I need to get a job. But more importantly I want to seek God’s will first. Everything looks foggy now, this is where I learn to walk by faith. 

I do not know where I will be when 2016 ends yet. But one thing is for sure, I will be closer to God more  because He is refining me in my trials and teaching me to learn to rest in Him and depend on Him.