Thankful

A few more hours and 2014 will begin.

Everybody is busy thinking back on what they have done in 2013 and reflecting. And if i were to reflect, i am thankful for the people in my life who have make it worthwhile. I wouldn’t remember what are the exact things that have happened in this year but i do remember the feelings that i got from those moments. Every interaction with a person that has left me with life or with emptiness.

I wanna thank my family first of all. Because no matter how dysfunctional we may be, we are still together by God’s grace. I have learnt lots of practical stuff which some of them are not possible to learn unless well you are in a dysfunctional family too. Yes the word dysfunctional sounds bad, but there are some good things i learnt from it. And i am still learning, (although i hate it sometimes), still trying, hoping, trying to be more loving to my family members even though i am an asshole myself.

I wanna thank my friends. To those who know me beyond that hard defensive surface of me. To those who know me better and know my strengths and weakness. To those who can stand my annoying side and still love me for who i am. Thank you. I know i am being an emotional freak sometimes and i tend to be too stubborn on certain matters. I received your love and because of that, i am learning how to love others too in a more caring way. You guys brought me laughter and light hearted moments and bring out the less serious side of me too.

I wanna thank difficult people who have brought me challenges. I am able to move up one level higher after every difficulty i faced and in the process i have seen who i really am in times of crisis. And through challenges, i know who are the right people i want to keep and care for.

I want to thank God for being with me throughout everything. You have seen all the sides of me, the good side and the bad side. There are so many times when i wanna quit because i feel that i am not worthy to face You but yet You still send people to care for me. I wonder how You can still love me despite all this. Sometimes i think i am losing control of myself but yet i still stayed strong. And those strength are definitely not something i imagined upon myself but its You holding me when i do not know it. I dont dare to give you any promises but i will try my best to be better for Your sake.

When i think back on all these moments on how people have cared for me, all i can do is simply be thankful and give back my love too. And i realized life is not that bad after all.

I have to make a deliberate effort to stop indulging in bad thoughts. Thoughts on how worthless i am, how i should be better off dead, are thoughts that i have been battling every night for years. It became a habit and i find it normal to think about it. I don’t find it dangerous because i know that i will not do anything harmful to myself at all, i am too clear minded on that. But it has definitely impacted on how i view myself. And i find myself becoming more physically weak. When my skin condition acts up, it just reinforces that negative belief towards myself. I am my own worst critic, and i really looked worse after that.

I guess the only way to solve this would be to find a new activity that i find it meaningful and enjoyable. That i wouldn’t think i am wasting my hours away, that i will find myself useful.

Anyway 2013 is almost over.

May 2014 be a better year!

Last Saturday of 2013

I just turned 19 yesterday šŸ™‚

Celebrated my birthday with my friends and family. Feeling happy and thankful for it. After all life is uncertain and even the people in my life is uncertain too. I do not know when they will step out of my life and i do not want it to happen.

Last year i was really depressed but now i have become more cheerful and thankful. I just need to focus on what is there in my life and not the what ifs and the missing parts that i used to have.

This year has been a hectic year. But i guess every year i would say that too. But each year i develop new different perspectives on life and some things that used to be important are not that important at all.

Some moments of 2013 that i recalled:

  • Went for my first internship at DHL in Feb to April experiencing what it is like to be in HR (and now having doubts if i should continue pursuing haha) HR is fine but the value of helping others is not exactly there.
  • Victoria my youngest sibling was born on 23 June 2013, a gift from God
  • Experienced what it is like to schedule appointments for people in a holiday job from late August to mid Oct
  • The many happy times that i have with my friends and family. It is not the quantity of people that i need but the quality.

This year i became more aware of the people around me and am moving on away from self-pity. This year is more of a healing process for me.

I lived, i made mistakes, i learnt, i forgive and i love.

I cannot guarantee what i will be like next year but i will try to open up more and love more.

Next year i will be graduating from poly. And the steps after that is still uncertain for me. Sometimes i wish God would send me an sms or something to let me directly know on what i should do. But then I have not been having quiet time with Him lately.

Still learning and still falling in many areas, i need to learn how to be more patient with myself.

Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me

Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me

Share a time when you were overcome with guilt. What were the circumstances? How did you overcome you guilt?

I could not exactly remember a particular situation but i do experience guilt when i upset people or cause them to miss out on something good because of my decision.

I do feel guilty easily, i take on more guilt then i should. It is normal for me to feel guilty when i do something wrong but i do not think it is normal when i start feeling guilty for the mistakes of others.

Maybe it is partly due to my INFJ nature where i detest conflict a lot although i can face them and solve them. But the process is a torture for me emotionally as i will be thinking of all the different scenarios that the conflict could turn out and what are the approaches i should do to end it well. I am very sensitive to the atmosphere and sometimes i hate this sensitivity. I can know if the atmosphere is good or bad or whether the person is feeling happy or sad without talking. And so if arguments happen, even if i am not involved, i can feel the same angst feelings of how the involved parties feel too.

Take one example:

My dad and my sister got into a conflict and my sister is wrong in the first place. She will feel guilty but i will feel guilty as well. I will be feeling partly responsible for not guiding her well and therefore she makes the mistake.

I know logically that it is not entirely my fault or not even my fault to begin with but i just feel guilty.

Another reason may be that i just love to be in control even in situations that is not within my control.

So how do i get over this guilt?

I have to practice the art of letting go and let God be God. Not everything can be controlled and as long as i do my best, everything will be fine.

Things you should know about INFJ

http://marissabaker.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/things-you-should-know-about-infjs/

Practically this explains a lot on how i feel as well.

Love reading articles that can make directly describe how i feel.

My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech

This is so inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time.

To love and be loved is the greatest gift you can give and the greatest gift you can receive.

 

Daily Prompt: Mad as a Hatter

Daily Prompt: Mad as a Hatter

Tell us about a time when you flew into a rage. What is it that made you so incredibly angry?

I do not remember a particular situation where my anger hits the highest point. But i do get angry on certain situations.

Things that made me particularly angry:

1. Being accused of something without seeking to find out the truth

2. Insensitive actions without caring for the other party’s feelings

3. Betrayal of trust

4. Lying

5. When in an argument, another unrelated person joins in

6. Having to hear about somebody having problems with me from other person’s mouth and not the person himself

To me, trust and sincerity matters a great deal. Actually i would be more hurt than angry because i realize that the person who angered me do not trust or know me well enough. The weird thing about me is that when i am really angry, i cry and when i am sad, i just become moody but do not cry ( well secretly i do)

To me, communication is important as well. I like people who are frank with me. I am sensitive and i can easily tell if a particular person starts treating me differently from their usual way. Most relationships and friendships end because nobody dares to be frank and talk about the problems. To me, if the person don’t dare to tell me the truth, it shows me that this person do not trust me well enough in the first place and i will be deeply hurt. Especially so if it comes from another person’s mouth.

Yes i am sensitive but i am strong enough to take the truth. I can react badly or whatsoever but at least i know that the person is trusting me well enough to open up and this can further strengthen the relationship or friendship.

Be frank with me and i will be frank with you. Treat me with sincerity and i will give you the best of what i have.

 

Ā 

Meetups with friends

This week, i met up with friends for 4 consecutive days.

My family did make a fuss, but it was minor and i am able to enjoy the 4 days with my friends.

On Monday, i met up with my primary 3 friend, Shauna. I did not kept in constant contact with her after primary school. But we manage to see each other over the years as she stayed right above my grandparents house. We reminisced about the old times and kept each other updated about our current lives.

On Wednesday, i met up with my primary 1 best friend, Jacqueline. This is the friend that i constantly kept in touch with since primary school. Amazing how our friendship has went over 10 years, and i feel so old counting the years since we first knew each other. We can just literally talk about anything and i am glad that our friendship continues to stay strong despite the different phrases we face in our lives.

On Tuesday and today, i went over to one of my poly friends house to play. Played the entire afternoon away.:)Ā I am happy to be with them and i want this friendships to stay strong even after graduation.

Friendships are really a comforting thing to have. I value friendships a great deal and to those whom i call my friends, i do make an effort to keep in contact and know them better.

In the past i used to want to have this ideal best friend who have the same interests as me, same thoughts as me and being there for me all the time. But i realize that it is not entirely possible for a person to be there for me or anybody else 100 per cent of the time. Having friends with different thinking do bring more perspectives and i am glad that i have good friends that i can share my problems with freely.Ā šŸ™‚

Daily Prompt: By the Skin of Your Teeth

Daily Prompt: By the Skin of Your Teeth

Share a time when you narrowly avoided disaster

There was once when i almost got hit by a car when i was in primary 3. It was raining heavily and my friend and i wanted to rush back into school because we were totally drenched. We waited for the green signal to cross the road. When we were about to make our first step out, one car just sped by us and we both were shocked.

That was the only time i almost got into a big accident.

Well shifting focus from disasters to small disasters, i do have my fair share because i am quite clumsy. I dropped things, spilled stuff and food. I do not know why but my motor skills are not that good as compared to my peers. I take longer to tie my shoelace, tie a ribbon, cut things straight and even draw something nice. Honestly i do not like how clumsy i am, of course my clumsiness brings laughter to my friends and to people around me. But i am not clumsy for the sake of getting attention. I definitely know that i am not cut out for F&B Industry.

That is one of the main reasons why i do not like to be in a rush, i need time to prepare myself. I am not good at multitasking too and nowadays multitasking seems to be a prerequisite for many jobs for more efficiency. At most i can handle 2 tasks i guess. I usually focused on getting one task done first before moving on to another.

But i would say that being able to fully concentrate on one task is a advantage too, i can do things better. And when it comes to relationships be it friendships or family, i will fully concentrate on the conversations i had with them and not get distracted.

 

 

Books

Reading has been my favorite hobby since primary 4.

From reading books by Guid Blyton to crime fiction books by James Patterson in secondary school, I have been moving on from genre to genre. But the books that appealed to me the most are books on relationships, be it friendships or love or family.

So i am here to share some of the many books that i have read and find it personally touching.

 

Nineteen minutes is about a teenager boy who went on a gun rampage in his school for 19 minutes. Most people would assume based on the cover on this book that the guy must have been too stressed by the bullying that he did it. However beneath it all is about a friendship that he had with a girl since he knew since young. They were best friends when they were younger, however due to peer pressure in which the girl became the most popular in the school, she forsake the friendship as he is seen as an outcast by their school mates.

A sad fiction story that actually portrays some of the realities portrayed in schools around the world today.

 

 

The last song is one book that made me cried at the end. I didn’t watch the movie.It is about a girl who went to stay with her dad whom she is not close to for a summer vacation. And there she met the love of her life, and also realized that her dad is dying of some cancer. Eventually the dad died, and when i read that part, i just cried even though i know it is not real.

The main aim of the story i think is to treasure your loved ones and cherish every single moment spent with them.

Another book that made me cried, the dog should not have died. Romantic story that was spoilt by a scary stalker, but still romantic in the end, just without the dog šŸ˜¦

 

This book is so mind boggling. I wonder how the author even came up with a story like this. It is about a guy who time travels and meet his wife at different stages of his life. Romantic but confusing, i feel sorry for the wife somehow. It is like puzzles that are jumbled up.

Okay so here are some of the many books i read, wanna do other stuff now, bye!

Daily Prompt: Festivus for the Rest of Us

Daily Prompt: Festivus for the Rest of Us

You have been named supreme ruler of the universe. Your first order of business is creating and instituting a holiday or festival in your honor. What day of the year is your holiday?

Hmm, if i were to choose a day, i will choose my birthday to be the day of the holiday. I want everybody to be happy just as i am happy on that day too.

Type of holiday would be thanksgiving, where everybody take that day to celebrate, appreciate one another and value each other. I find this important as we humans tend to take one another for granted and so often cooped up in our daily responsibilities that there is no time for everyone to gather together.

This is my own personal wish that i want to turn into reality. Wanting to see my family becoming more bonded and loving. But now there are still many obstacles to overcome and i find myself becoming so tired because i am trying to control everything myself. Sometimes i feel so useless because when i want to do certain things, fear paralyses me.

One step at a time i guess.

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