Weary

Have been feeling weary and discouraged the past few days due to the stress from school.

When i think of all the upcoming work that has to be done, i just feel down immediately.

I have been trying to prepare myself mentally for all this upcoming stuff because i know that every trimester i will have to go through this stressful period. And i do not want to get so stressed up about it every single time. I want to adjust myself well so that I can handle it better and become stronger.

But not this time i guess. My second trimester of uni. Hopefully i will be able to adjust better next time round.

I know that God is with me always and that no matter how much i think i cannot do well, i will still make it out okay in the end.

So yes i can make it! Just need spiritual recharge daily and i will continue on to doing my best for the rest of this trimester.

End off with my current favorite song from Hillsong – Through It All.

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Intimacy with God

I remembered there was once in church during a service in 2009, a Guest Pastor in the middle of the service suddenly pinpointed me out among the audience and told me that God was happy with me praying for others and that i have a sweet soul. It was supposed to be a evangelism service but it ended up as a service full of prophecies whereby the guest pastor will just point out people randomly in the service and tell them God’s message for them. I felt so weird at that time and i am half believing what the guest pastor said.

Even if its not true, it kind of encouraged me to continue to go on doing it because God hears prayers. At that time i was barely 15, i still am quite simple in my thinking and do not know much.

As i was having time alone with God just now, i suddenly thought about that and i realized that simplicity is good.

What do i mean?

When we are young, we do not know so much about the complexities of life. We only know if this certain thing is good or bad and we make our decisions based on it. Our faith in God is completely childlike, we just simply believe and we are curious about Him even though we do not see Him.

But as we start growing up, we go through hard times and we start to question everything. Solutions to problems are no longer straightforward to us. Faith in God starts to waver because we start having complicated thoughts. It is inevitable that we have to go through this phrase because life is not fair all the time.

But i realized that throughout everything, God never change, i was the one who change. God is still the same God that i believe in before all those trials of life hit. It is my perspective of problems that change how i viewed God. God is a God who cares and who never fails. Even in those trying trials when i felt like just giving up altogether, God make Himself to be more obvious to me so that i can lean to Him for help.

Trials comes as a blessing in disguise for me when I see and learn something new about God in my circumstances.

I want to have the similar type of childlike faith which i used to have when i was younger. Being able to look at God with awe and wonder, with anticipation and curiosity and knowing that God is with me no matter what. That is when i will experience that peace that transcends all understanding and unconditional love from a loving God.

Having intimacy with God is essentially having childlike faith in Him and walking humbly with Him. That is all i need.

Jump back into the flow

I have a Type A personality and i am a introvert too. Does it sound contradictory? I doubt so.

Type A people tend to always want to do something and just cannot stay still. I find myself needing to have to find something to do even if i am alone. I just cannot imagine lying on a bed for one whole day and do nothing. During holidays, i will be glad for the first few days that i have no commitments but after that i will start getting really restless and feel that time is passing by so so slowly. I will throw myself into a job that takes up majority of my holidays and regret a bit when school is about to reopen.

I know that being Type A is not really ideal and in fact it takes a toll on my health both physically and emotionally.

In my previous post, i mentioned about trying to do all the work that i can so that i won’t suffer so much during the hectic month of December? Well i still am doing it but now at a much slower pace. I realized i was being too anxious and i will fall ill if i continued on at that pace.

I went to church yesterday as usual. God kind of spoke to me about it indirectly through the sermon. I was trying to do everything at once on my own and i am neglecting myself. Which is really true because i was not feeling happy and satisfied at all. Really bad habit of mine. What more i do not even depend on God at all.

I realized over the years that as i get closer and closer to God, i become more dependent on Him in such a way that if i do not connect with Him for a few days, i will feel unsatisfied inside.  I can only be the best version of myself when i am close to God for after all my life is in His hands.

God wants me to get back into the flow with Him and get restored again. Thank you God for loving me so unconditionally and reminding me to assess my priorities again. I should not be so anxious over temporal things and learn to trust in You.

Effort

There are times when my mood is up and more times when i am feeling down or neutral. Indeed it is a daily effort to walk with God, to remind myself of His love and promises and to be the best that i could be because of that.

But this is not an automatic effort for me. I still will get really depressed and let myself just go on a self pity party. These moments come at night especially when all those past events just flood into my head and i wonder to myself if i ever will be good enough.

My dreams has been sort of subconsciously reflecting my emotions back to me where in a dream i mix up everything that i see and i become really confused. When i wake up, i do not feel that i gain any energy from sleeping. During the day, i will be restlessly trying to accomplish work so that i don’t feel like i wasted my time. Well i am not satisfied or happy no matter how much i try because i am running away from God who is the main source of strength and comfort.

Why would i keep running away? Simply because i feel that i don’t feel worthy enough although i know that there are many verses that speaks about God’s unconditional love and grace. It is easier to run perhaps. But i know that it is not going to end up well for me eventually.

Turning back to God needs more effort because i do not want to misuse His unconditional love and grace.

Sorry God for doing this foolish thing time to time again. I always feel really miserable after that and i do not dare to turn back to You. I know that You are a loving God and You will forgive me. I just need more confidence and strength from You to win over the battles that i am facing. No matter how much i screwed up or will screw up again, I will always try to stand up on both feet together with You in the hope that i will eventually win all these battles one day. Sorry God, thank you God and I love You.

Simplify

I have always believe in the precious value of having a simple life. Especially so in a society where flow of movement of information, people and goods are moving at a unpredictable rapid pace. If i were to measure and try to keep myself up to society’s standards, i would never be happy and satisfied.

Society often pressures people to conform to its standards, you can see it everywhere literally. From the way people dress to the way people talk, conformity is everywhere. People define happiness based on what society standards are because they grew up in that environment. Time will show eventually whether people are really happy or just putting on a mask so as to get accepted.

I believe that everyone have the right to their own happiness and it is their own responsibility to find out what truly makes them happy and actively pursue it.

I find happiness from spending time with God, reading books, listening to music and having meaningful conversations with people. These are a few major things that makes me really happy. With that knowledge, it helps to simplify my life in many ways as i can make and reject plans accordingly. After all time is priceless and you can never replace time.

Just yesterday i borrowed a book entitled Simplify by Bill Hybels. I have been noticing it on one of the top bestsellers list in Popular bookstore but i wasn’t so keen because it is basically on how to simplify a busy life and make life count. I feel that my life have not reached that stage yet. But I borrowed it out of curiosity. .

Just read finish 2 chapters and i realized that it is applicable to me too. The book emphasizes the importance of having the right priorities, especially so in terms of prioritizing stuff that gives us energy. It is so easy to burn out when the day is filled with activities that take the life out of you instead of giving life to you. It really speaks a lot to me because i often get burn out easily or just not energetic enough to go about my daily life.

There is nothing wrong with indulging in activities that gives me life. Sometimes i feel guilty for rejecting to do something for somebody else because i want to indulge in my activity. I realized it is a misconception because i can’t give something that i don’t have (energy). We can bring more benefits to ourselves and the people around us when we are fully charged up.

So it re-affirms my belief in having a simple life, a life that brings me life from doing the activities that i enjoy and blessing the people around me with the energy i gained from it.

Restless Day

I thank God that i have no class on Mondays.

Today was a restless day for me. I woke up determined to do some of my school work in which i did some but not all because i am not sure how to do the rest. I was kind of agitated at my slow pace because i knew that December will be a insane month of assignments and tests. So i am trying my best to prepare ahead so that i can be ready for December.

In the end i spent my day reading books, listening to music and watching videos. But i was not really happy with the fact that i am doing these things when i could have spent my time on something more productive.  This anxious feeling that i had and its affecting me physically.

All in all i did not turn to God when He is the one who could give me peace and assurance. This bad habit of mine trying to control everything even things beyond my control happens again. I am just suffering in vain because i can turn to God and God can help me.

I need to learn how to let go and let God take control. It is a intentional effort daily to commit everything into His loving Hands.