By God’s Grace

Things are not getting better yet but i am feeling much better because i am trusting in God to control the situation.

Today was my church’s Youth Sunday and so a guest speaker was invited to preach on a topic specifically to the youths.

His message title was living a lifestyle that pleases God.

Out of everything he had mentioned, the sentence that struck me the most was: if you honor God, God will honor you. Simply put if you obey God and do His Will regardless of circumstances, he will bless you back in return. Not specific promises on whether i will become rich or getting material possessions but just being blessed by God in ways that i cannot imagine.

Looking at my situation now, i really needed that encouragement once again that God is in control no matter how bad the situation seems to be. When i think back about all those times on how God gave me strength whenever i am in bad situations, i knew that He will not abandon me no matter how upset i may be.

I did not get all those bad times alone. It is impossible really and still manage to come out better than before i went in. It is the grace of God that carries me. I am standing firm on the fact that God is real and looking at the challenges i faced in my life which are sometimes so huge, it is really God that is giving me strength.

I believe that God will honor me just as i honor Him with the way i live in doing His Will. And i am somehow giving a test to God in this. And if He doesn’t at all honors me in my life as i continue on my journey, then He is not real. But if He does, i hope that you readers will believe in Him that God is real and He is leading me on to a greater and better journey in my life that i can never imagine doing it alone by myself.

 

Breaking Point

To be honest i have no idea what is my breaking point.

I reached the tip of it but i have not go over it. And i don’t know what i will do if i went over it.

With all these things happening, i wonder how i still manage to stay sane. I believe God is somehow giving me strength and also i am too self aware of myself.

I wish sometimes that i am less self aware, less mature so that i can do more foolish stuff and made people concern for me. But i know that i am hurting the people who care about me so i can’t do it. Everybody see me as so strong and i really hate it. I do have my limits too but nobody seems to know that. They think i will get over it eventually which i do. But i have to face all of this alone everytime, it sucks really.

I wish people could see the severity of the situation so that they can somehow get the gist of what i am exactly going through. But then i don’t go around telling everybody about it. I don’t wish to burden others. I just vent a bit here and there on twitter but i don’t say everything.

I am indulging in self-pity i know that. That is why i am not doing any of those things i mentioned above. And i really dislike myself for being so self aware. I do not want to go mad just to get people’s attention.

So i just vent here because this is the best option for me. For me to think things clearly. I will get over this phrase i know. But i do wish i have people to be with me whenever i face problems so that i won’t feel so alone.

I dont wish to be negative but…

So another stupid argument occurred in my family last night.

All i wanted was a better logical explanation but instead we all become more and more agitated. I manage to stop myself to prevent it to become really serious but my sister could not take it anymore and so she pushed the button. Which causes my stepmom to move out with my small bro to her mum’s house.

I am so utterly frustrated and upset that it happened like this. But somehow back in my mind i  know one day in my family there will be a big explosion like this that tears my family apart. My dad does not love my stepmom anymore. My stepmom refuses to change and behaves accordingly to how people treats her instead of taking the responsibility of choosing her response. She also held on to past grudges. I try to put up with all the hurts that she throws sometimes whenever arguments occur but i know i also have limitations. That i think one day i will be pushed to the edge and i will take it no longer and i will go crazy. My sister also have the same thoughts as me.

You might ask, can this be saved? I want to tell you that yes i believe because God is still in control. But it is almost impossible honestly because my dad does not love her and he does not expect her to change. He expects us the children to give in to her to prevent big arguments and come to him if the situation is unreasonable. I get his point but when you are right inside the argument, it is sometimes really hard to remain cool when hurtful remarks are thrown at you. Even after the argument, she still mumbles on and on as i try to cool down.

I vented quite a bit on Twitter because i have no other outlet to express to at that point in time. Only 2 friends responded with concern about my situation. I am really upset because i am somehow hoping for a response from the people i wanted comfort from and i get none. Are my problems so difficult that nobody dares to come and offer concern? ¬†I don’t need solutions to my problems, i need comfort. I find myself pathetic at that time because i have always given care and encouragement to my friends in need but i receive none when its my turn.

People rejoice with you when you have good news to share but how many people are willing to be with you when you are down and out?

The almost no response gave me a new perspective. Now i understand why there are so many mentally ill people nowadays. Because people dare to show their happiness but hide their sadness because they think they will be seen by people as weak and get judged. Which is definitely super wrong. And they hide it to the point where they cannot take it any longer and it starts seeping out through physical symptoms like loss of weight or memory.

It is PERFECTLY FINE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE NOT FINE. THAT YOU ARE UPSET BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMANS. In fact people respect and love you more as a person because you dare to be honest about your flaws. Don’t you get frustrated yourself when you say you are upset but your friends are somehow blinded to that and talks about something else? But i am not gonna hold grudges for this, no point. Maybe they just cannot handle my negative emotions.

I am really frank because i know that there are many other people out there who experienced the same feelings i did and wishes to speak up about it. Like hey everybody do have their up and down moments, there is no one who is constantly on the up but why why why people only focus on the up and hides their down moments. Pride? Being hurt before? Yeah all these are logical reasons but if you lock yourself in, you will never be happy, you will never recover.

It is by opening up, accepting that it happened and being honest about it that you will gather the strength to move on. I don’t know what is going to happen over the next few days, maybe it would be better, maybe it would be worse. But i will not lock myself in like how i used to in the past. Because being locked in self-pity and sadness is gonna make you a bitter person and that is not who i want to be.

Mind still not ready for studying yet.

It is only day 2 of university but i am already so mentally tired.

I reached home at 1pm today but till now i am still tired although i did not do much.

I read up the required readings for a module and try to read up a book which i have to submit an essay by the end of the semester. Halfway through i fell asleep because it is really wordy. I am still not used to studying yet.

I guess i really have to take one step at a time and not try to rush to finish reading all my required readings for this week. It is only the first week, i am trying to find and set a comfortable studying pace. I am contemplating if i should get a schedule book to note down all the important stuff but frankly i am not sure if i will really do it because i am quite lazy.

I guess i really need to get the IPad from the school soon. Every student is entitled to one. That will save me lots of trouble on having to carry my laptop around to school everyday.

I have 4 consecutive days of 9 am classes. It is really torturing because i have to leave house by 7.35 latest. During my past 2 months working at IBM, i don’t even need to get up so early. I need more sleep.

Alright i am hoping to settle in comfortably soon and have more energy to be more active. I can do it!

First Day of being a University Student

Today is my first day attending university.

Right up to yesterday night, i am still feeling nervous and scared not because of the social interaction but rather on the subjects i will be taking. After all i am studying psychology and the modules are really heavy due to the amount of research and critical thinking required. I read up the slides and readings for today’s lesson and i am just filled with more dread.

So before i went to bed last night, i just entrust everything to God’s hands because really there is nothing more i could do.

Today’s lesson was quite okay. I made more new friends and have lunch with them. 80% of my coursemates are mostly international students. Due to that, i felt that i am in a whole different environment which is pretty good for me. Everybody seems nice and the friends that i make are all nice people too. The atmosphere is great and i hope that it will stay this way for the whole time when i am in university.

I know that i have to be more hardworking than ever before due to the course. I will try my best to stay that way. In poly, there were opportunities to slack up and still be able to catch up later on but for psychology, i don’t think that is possible.

I noticed that a significant number of my coursemates are introverts, pretty interesting. So far i have not really see a super extrovert. And 80% of them are females. I feel more comfortable in a way because i do not have to become really extroverted to mingle around although i am a ambivert.

Thank God for the good beginning as i slowly settle myself into the new environment and be more comfortable with whatever i am about to do.

Torn

I am always torn apart between my head and my heart.

I know that i should not feel this way but i cannot help it.

Feeling so helpless and miserable would be an understatement.

My heart is tearing but no tears come out from my eyes because its not worth it.

I am always looking out for the best in every situation because i know that God is in control.

God is in control but that does not mean that i can control my feelings too.

I am just an ordinary person who feels everything from happiness to anger to sadness.

I know that these feelings won’t go away overnight but i pray that i will not make any rash actions because of it.

God’s goodness is everywhere

God’s goodness is everywhere.

YOU JUST NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND EARS BIGGER TO NOTICE IT.

Just look up at the skies and the clouds, all these are God’s creation, not man made and breathe in the fresh air. Sometimes i do that and i feel that my problems are not really that major actually and i know i can get through it.

Take a look at the people who love you and care about you. They teach you what love is and give you a sense of belonging and comfort in this fast paced world. They help you to become more of you who are just as you help them too.

How about meeting new people and making friends with them? Out of almost 7 billion people on this planet, you have met these people and they have taught you to have a bigger perspective on life through the interactions and trials you go through with them. They are in your life for a reason and mostly it is for you to become better.

Step back and think about all those perfectly falls into place situations where you called it as a coincidence or just being lucky. It is not luck, it is called God’s perfect timing.

Appreciate the man-made infrastructure around you. With all the advanced technologies nowadays, it is hard for people to imagine living in caves and eating from the ground without cooking. Humans created them but God gave them the ideas.

As much as there is injustice and evil in this world, we should not be afraid of them and become cynical. Instead we should start emphasizing on the positives and spread this energy around to brighten up the atmosphere around us.

Recently i have been noticing more and more of God’s goodness in a very subtle way. And i thank God that my eyes are a bit more opened to observe and i am really thankful and contented with all the good things that have been happening so far. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the future as i continue to fix my eyes on Him.

 

Holiday Trip to HK!

I touched down in Singapore early this morning at 2 plus after a 4 days 3 night trip to HongKong.

I went to HongKong with my family and it is a fruitful trip. My last family overseas trip was in 2012 June and i was eagerly anticipating for this trip. It is my third time to HongKong and this time i get to spend with my own money.

I am thankful to God that i can enjoy my trip fully without being hindered much by my sprained ankle. My sprained ankle was about 90% recovered when i left for HongKong and this was a week after i fell. The recovery is amazingly fast and i believe that God was involved in this healing process.

About 70% of the trip was spent on shopping with the remaining 30% being spent on visiting iconic places like The Avenue of Stars and Noah’s Ark. To be honest, i am really exhausted by all the walking but the fact that i am shopping for what i want is the reason why i continued on haha. I didn’t manage to sleep all the way for the three nights there because my dad snores and World Cup matches, but it is all right.

The pace of life in HongKong is really fast and somewhat depressing. People rush to places everywhere and it just causes the atmosphere to tense up. The buildings in HongKong are mostly grey or white in color and in terms of the whole general landscape, it looks disproportionate. HongKong is a great place to shop but the citizens there seem stressed up by the movement of globalization as they strive to make sure that HongKong stays competitive. I observed all these while i was travelling to different places in the country.

I do appreciate Singapore and i can see how our country is better off. I just hope that Singapore won’t end up being so competivie till the income gap between the rich and the poor is so wide and there is unhappiness everywhere. I rather Singapore lose its 1st ranking for a slower but yet happier pace of life. We do not have to be first in everything and getting first does not necessarily means happiness.

Thoughts aside, i am really thankful that i get to go HongKong and buy so many things. Not sure when will i get the next opportunity but meanwhile i will just be contented with what i have ūüôā

I trust in You, Daddy God

I trust in You, Daddy God in all circumstances and in all situations.

You have always been watching over me and i can never be hidden from You.

You know how many tears i have shed and every single reason for why those tears came.

You are with me in all types of situations and You understand exactly what i went through to become the current me.

You know my worries and struggles and how i had covered it up so well in front of people.

You know my deepest desires and childlike hopes and how much i want it to become reality.

I know You will answer when i cry out to you with my honesty and faith.

Just like how You prevented the heavy rain from dropping until i walked into the shelter of the void deck under the HDB Block, I know that You heard my prayers even though i did not verbalize it.

Just like how certain things manage to fall perfectly into place because of Your divine Hand, Daddy God I trust and love You completely.

You are the only reason why i continue to live on optimistically no matter what difficulties i faced.

You are my Daddy God and i know that i will be provided and care for because Daddy do not let his children go hungry.

I know You will deliver upon Your Promises that You have mentioned in the Bible.

So help me Daddy God whenever I feel down and out to be reminded of You, the Big and Mighty God who is in charge of everything.

Encourage me God whenever those feelings of being useless and inadequacy comes because I will get blinded and discouraged by those.

I want to focus on You, Daddy God and i know that You will never forsake me in all circumstances. Keep my eyes and heart following after You Lord and I know that  i will never have to be troubled because of Your eternal Love and Grace.

 

Handwriting Analysis

The fact that i am doing all these really tells you how bored i am at work.

I did this test out of fun and curiosity.

So the results goes like this:

This personality profile is based on the writing of Zoe” “Sim created at the website: Handwriting
Wizard.com – Handwriting University’s Official automated personality report creator based on
standardized basic personality traits as taught through Handwriting University’s Certification Level
Program.

Most people with a severe leftward slant have¬†some type of childhood trauma they have yet to work through. Since we didn’t actually “see the
writing”, we can’t tell if she actually has a hard left emotional slant, but if so… she has issues with¬†trust and it is likely rooted in childhood.

Zoe has withdrawn into herself. She is reserved and shows her feelings only at times of great anger,
extreme passion, or tremendous stress. Zoe is an introvert. She makes decisions based on logic,¬†therefore she is rarely impulsive. She doesn’t find any need for expressing her emotions. In fact, she¬†probably sees this emotional expression as an unnecessary waste of time. She has a hard time¬†relating to an extreme extrovert, although it is common for her to be attracted to one. Many people¬†do not understand Zoe; it is difficult for them to really know how Zoe feels. Zoe enjoys being alone,
and probably prefers working alone. (Not true, i need people interaction) Working with her hands is a pleasure.

Zoe’s basic nature is to look out for herself first. Although she can and does feel emotions, perhaps¬†as deeply as anyone, she just almost always harbors them inside.
The first time someone angers Zoe, she probably will not say anything to that person at that time.However, she will mentally keep track of everything this person does wrong to her until she cannot¬†hold her emotions inside any longer. Then; Boom! Zoe will cloud up and rain all over them. And she¬†will never regret telling someone off, because she knew what she was saying the entire time. She¬†won’t impulsively tell someone off.

Emotional stories will not sway Zoe. She thinks totally with judgment, first considering every situation by the effect it will have on her.
Zoe needs space and time alone. She will be much more efficient if given a job alone, rather than being surrounded by people.
People that write their letters in an average height and average size¬†are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Zoe doesn’t write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Zoe will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she¬†thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don’t really want her opinion, don’t ask¬†for it!

In reference to Zoe’s mental abilities, she has a very investigating and¬†creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets
involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Zoe slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it.
She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Zoe can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Zoe is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to¬†earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a¬†project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans¬†everything she is going to do, that doesn’t necessarily mean things go as planned. Zoe basically feels¬†good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she¬†has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using¬†practicality– not too “out of reach”. She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she¬†will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life.¬†Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better¬†than average.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer’s attitude toward their¬†own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Zoe¬†has left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. Zoe fills up just the center area of¬†the page. If this is true, then Zoe has a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too¬†fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of¬†life.
The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. Zoe seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action. Zoe seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundaries. It will be easy to work with Zoe on a team, because Zoe will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over Zoe if she is not careful.

 

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