I don’t like it whenever quarrels break out, especially in the family.

This time, i know i am at fault too. But during the quarrel, i find myself naturally thinking of my own interests first and defending myself. And after the quarrel ended, i find myself trying to put back my own broken pieces by myself, regretting and knowing that i cannot salvage it.

The problem with me is that i hate to be forced to do things. I do not like it when i am told to do a task in a ‘i should’ manner. I want to do it with a willing heart and a positive attitude. But obviously life is not like that all the time. I should just suck it up, move on and do it despite how i may feel.

But as i suppress my feelings inside more and more, it just gets worse for me. During moments when i find myself needing that emotional space, needing someone to vent to and accept me unconditionally, i do not know who to turn to. So i just end up detaching myself emotionally, because i don’t have an outlet. I also detach myself during quarrels too because it is wiser to keep a cool head while everybody is screaming at each other.

I want to feel every emotion intensely. I want to feel happy and feel its full intensity. But i don’t dare because it is better to be calm in most situations.

My family really got communication issues, we don’t clear things out immediately. We will just end up turning to our own devices to release the pressures. It is not healthy but it is always like this.