Wait for the Lord

It has been 2 weeks since my grandfather passed away and went to Heaven. He left quickly and suddenly. But i am glad that he managed to sit with us for a reunion meal a day before and he left in peace. I am glad that i manage to say my final words to him at his side, telling him to trust in God and not to worry. He is a caring grandfather, always giving plenty of advice and secretly passing money to my sister and I to make sure we have enough money. Since young, i have always been seeing him every Sunday when i head over to his place for dinner. It is hard for me really, now that he is gone. But my grief is not to the point of inconsolable for i know i will see him in heaven someday.

From my previous blog posts back in the past till now, it seems that i have been living a challenging life, isn’t it? I feel mixed emotions at this. My life is not that hard actually. I have been given an education and my physical needs are all provided for. I am thankful to God for providing for all my needs. The biggest problem is always myself.

I want to get rid of the heaviness that has been with me due to all the emotional turmoils that i have been through in the past. I am an adult now, i told myself that i can start all over again afresh because i can choose how i want to respond. When i look back at the past, i can see God’s hand in many situations. But choosing how i want to respond is easier said than done when bad situations happen. I find myself reacting the same way as i did in the past. It seems like i am attached to certain behavior and thoughts of the past, that it subconsciously comes out when challenging situations comes. For after all, it is only in hard times that i know what i am still subconsciously attached to.

Currently i am having holidays till March. It is my last holidays before my last semester of University. I am cherishing it. I know that i have to get myself right, having the right priorities and taking care of myself well. Because if i do not take care of myself well, how am i supposed to help others in the future? I do not want my past subconsciously influence my future decisions. I do not want my past to ruin the purpose that God called me to. But i realized that the more inward reflection i do on myself, the more miserable i become, because i find more flaws in myself.

Surrendering to God is my biggest problem, my pride is in the way. I know in my head that my self-worth is from being God’s child and not by my own abilities. But my heart has not gotten it yet. I find that i still measure myself based on how i perform in various roles because when something goes wrong, my self-esteem is impacted negatively. God is telling me to stay still and give everything to Him but i still fight on foolishly because i do not want to lose control. God wants me to believe in Him that He will make all things right first and not wants me to believe in Him after i received it, for that is not faith. I know that change happens only when i let God take over my life. So my biggest struggle is in obeying God and letting Him take control.

I sound so foolish right? So many i know this, i know that but still struggling. All i have to do is to believe in God’s word literally and act like i have it because i know i will receive it in the future. For faith in God is not by sight but by believing that God is never changing and His Word never fails. It is not a matter of feeling, it is a matter of choice. Do i choose to give Him my today or do i not? God has come through for me so many times, so why am i struggling? I can’t honestly said that i let God take control of my life everyday, but i will try. For my relationship with God is no longer based on feelings but by faith. I am no longer a baby believer, needing God to comfort me every single time i feel down, i have to rise up and be a mature believer. I have seen God’s goodness, i have no excuse to turn away from God.

Psalm 27: 13-14

I am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

 

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Sit still

  

  
Sit still, my children! Just sit calmly still! Nor deem these days– these waiting days as ill! The One who loves you best, who plans your way, had not forgetten your great need today! And, if He waits, it’s sure He waits to prove to you, His tender child, His Heart’s deep love.

Sit still, my children! Just sit calmly still! You greatly long to know your dear Lord’s will! While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way. Corrodingly within, because of His delay– Persuade yourself in simple faith to rest. That He, who knows and loves, will do the best. 

Sit still my children! Just sit calmly still! Nor move one step, not even one, until His way has opened. Then, ah then, how sweet! How glad your heart, and then how swift your feet, Your inner being then, ah then, how strong! And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my Daughter! Just sit calmly still! What higher service could you for Him fill? It’s hard! Ah yes! But choicest things must cost! For lack of losing all much is lost! It’s hard, it’s true! But then — He gives you grace. To count the hardest spot the sweetest place. -J.Danson Smith

Learning to stay still before God is my aim for this holiday break. I always struggled with this the most. There is a wonderful power in being still.