Two weeks to turning 21

My grandma passed away peacefully last Tuesday. I saw her for the first and last time on Saturday and i witnessed the moment when she gave her life to Christ. I am thankful to God for His unconditional love and grace towards her that she can believe in Him with a clear mind.

It is my first time losing my immediate family member. Frankly i felt sad and complicated too because i am not sure how to react. I am sad but not deeply sad because i know that she is with God in heaven. I just told myself to be strong for my mother and my siblings (typical eldest mindset). The funeral went smoothly and i only cried a bit when my mum cried when my grandma was about to be cremated.

It is really true that the death of somebody will make you think about how time and being alive are  valuable assets to hold and not to neglect. I am always looking for opportunities to make a day meaningful and productive for myself (which also means i am bad at staying still and not getting the rest i really need which leads to burnout easily).

Two weeks to turning 21. I just feel that i am being much more settled in how i view myself and in my own beliefs and principles that i uphold. Turning 21 also feels like a new beginning for me to start on a new note. The past 10 years of my life have been filled with emotional scarring and negativity but also helped me to become emotionally and mentally stronger. I told my friend that if my personality now is due to the circumstances in the past 10 years, then i would not want it to affect me for the rest of my life. I want to live the next 10 years of my life being in control of what i want to become and not because of how circumstances has make me become. I want to turn my emotional scars into something good, to be able to encourage others because i have been through it before and be a blessing to others.

There are many aims i put for myself. I want to be more healthy which means exercise more, eat healthier and have better coping stress mechanisms. I know that my old way of internalizing stress is never gonna get me anywhere and it is gonna hurt me even more. One way of releasing my anxiety is to surrender everything to God because God is in control, not me. I also have to be more aware and selective in what i let into my head because i tend to get negative (subconsciously) without me realizing it as i always thought that i am being realistic. It is really important to surround myself with positive thoughts and being with people who believes and wants the best for me. God’s love and grace for me keeps me going on everyday even though i may not feel up to it all the time.

All these aims i mentioned above are really lifelong. There will never be an end to it because i am living with it everyday and i have to consciously choose whether i want to do it. There will be days when i will end up doing the opposite to those aims because i am a human after all. But it is not a matter of how many times i failed, but rather how long my perseverance lasts. This is a race for myself, with no comparison to others. I do it for the sake of my well-being and being healthy and optimistic will aid me to achieve whatever other goals i have.

 

 

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Sad

Haven been blogging for the past few months because i have been busy with life and do not have anything to blog about. Life has been pretty smooth sailing.

Just heard the bad news from mum today that my maternal grandmother got hospitalized and that the cancer has spread to her bones. She previously went for a operation back in July to remove her breasts because that was where the cancer started. Apparently not all cancer cells were removed and this time it is terminal, she only have a period of time left to live.

The first time i heard about her having breast cancer, i was just shocked. I was relieved when the operation in July went smoothly and i thought it will be all fine again. But this time, i just felt really upset. It is my first time that i will be losing a immediate family member because so far everybody in my family is still living well thanks to God’s grace.

I was never close to my maternal grandmother. From young till now, she has always been cooped up in her room whenever i visited my mum. I only greeted her and see her only when she step out of the room to do some stuff. She is really quiet and don’t really talk except to my grandfather. I knew that she have some history of mental illness before but that is all i know about her.

I feel really upset that i did not really use the time to get to know her personally. I always find it hard to talk to her partly because she is always cooped up in her room and i do not know what to say. Now that she only have limited time left to live, the only thing i can do is to visit her and pray for her. Pray that she will know Christ.

Now i am just feeling really sad deep inside.