Learning to live in freedom

Holidays are finally here!

I am so thankful for it. I really need a break from all the busyness i have in my life. I need to have time alone to myself, to think about certain issues deeply and to gather strength. This past trimester has been really more difficult because i did not have enough rest before this. In my previous one month holidays, i was busy either catching up with friends or being involved in church activities and i felt that my brain did not rest at all. So this time i am going to spend more time in solitude, which may involve staying away from social media and the internet and get my much needed rest.

Learning to live in freedom. What is it?

When i mean by freedom, i am not talking about the holidays that i am in now. It is more of an attitude. The freedom that i found in Christ. To experience the fullness of what it means to be a child of God and to understand it.

Freedom in Christ means that we do not need to let the pressures of society dictate the way we live, define our priorities and having to do things to make us feel accepted by society. For our confidence and worth are already found in Christ, when we put our trust in Him. We know that our future is secure in His hands and He will take care of us. We know that nothing can separate us from His love and nothing can break His promises to us.

It is truly liberating when i experience and understand what that means. I would not say that i have gotten there yet where i can confidently live that out every single day because it is just so easy to give in to those pressures. Especially so when i am constantly busy without ample rest and all i can do is to just keep swimming. Rest is really important for it helps me to re-align my perspectives and brings back to awareness of my fundamental values. It is an attitude of faith whereby i know that i am free in Christ regardless of how i feel.

Freedom in Christ means that God forgives my past mistakes and love me for who i am and forgives me each time i confess my sins to Him. Frankly i found that hard to believe at first especially when i keep doing the same mistakes again and again. I do not have enough faith and think that i should be punished first instead before forgiveness comes. I define God’s grace according to what i think it should be which is not right at all. For God is not confined by my limited perspective of Him and how i feel. The essence of God is love and i am still learning to embrace it fully and experience that freedom.

Basically it all comes down to faith. The trust that God will always be around and in control of whatever circumstances i am in. God is already doing all those things and all i need to do is to believe and surrender everything to Him. I believe God does not want me to define myself according to my failures but by the fact that i am his child with assurances of His promises.

Freedom in Christ essentially is believing beyond things that we see. To hold on to God’s promises and to act out in faith. The benefits of experiencing that freedom is really indescribable. To know that no matter what life brings, God will fulfill His plans for us and He is with us eternally. God never fails.

Depressed mode on

I am just weak.

I am just tired.

I tried to encourage myself that no matter how bad things are, God is in control and He loves me.

But my faith is shaken because as much as i rationalize to myself and think things from a bigger perspective, i just can’t feel the tangible aspects of it.

I need love and concern. I need to see it for real. I do not want to convince myself when i am not actually feeling it.

I can’t feel much of it at home. I thought i still can make through with it.

But when bad things happen all at once, i realized that it is not true.

My skin condition recently acted up pretty badly again. The amount of new scars on my arms and legs seem to undo all the past efforts i have done to make sure my skin recovers well. I don’t need perfect skin, i need normal skin. My nights are spent trying to control myself to not scratch and fighting off mosquitoes ( i have no idea there is so many of them at night) I feel disappointed with myself. I feel like covering myself up totally so that i won’t get judged for it.

I know that my grandparents will say me again when they see my scars. I know they do it out of love and concern but the way they remarked is like saying that i do not know how to take care of myself. They try to reason out from their perspective with remarks such as my room must be dirty or whatsoever. When the real reasons are simply because my skin is sensitive and the damn mosquitoes are back to torture me. I just feel so lousy, like i can’t even properly maintain my skin.

I don’t feel much love from home either. All of us have settled into one home but separate lives routine. I know change starts with oneself first. And it has been burdening me since i started reading self help books from secondary school in an attempt to improve myself. I tried but there is only little successes because i lose faith easily and every time there is a conflict, my efforts just all seem to disappear. I feel guilty because i know what to do (or maybe i don’t really know) but i am not making much effort at all. It is like the plans are all in my head but i did not carry them out because i feel incapable.

How to give tangible love when i don’t even have much of it in the first place? My thoughts are just so affected easily because my primary love language is words. I need encouragement. My pride also gets in the way too. I find it hard to tell people i need help and i am sorry.

So many personal issues to battle and i am getting really tired. I trust in God but i guess i don’t trust Him well enough.

To sum it all up, i just cannot forgive and love myself. The problem is me. I am lacking in so many areas. And that is why it is the hardest battle to win.  I really wish i have the type of optimism that inspires myself and others but i cannot have it when i don’t even have the source in the first place.

Staying with God even when the going gets tough

I am bad at handling the pressures of conflict even though i will not hesitate to enter into one if necessary or just being immature.

This time i was not involved but i still felt very much involved because of the parties involved.

The conflict was really quite destructive and i was really discouraged by it. I was afraid that the conflict will tear the foundation up and become impossible to repair. In the midst of listening to that conflict while i was on my own bed, my heart was racing and my hands were turning cold. This is what usually happens to me when i cannot take the pressure. Just feel like suffocating. It is not the first time i encounter conflicts but it does not mean i will get used to it. Each time it happens, i just suffer all over again.

I know that its not that bad because God is in control. But still when it happens, i will get frustrated and ask God why does it always have to happen. To me it felt like the efforts i had put in to strengthen the foundation is all gone in that conflict. I went into self pity and misery for the next two days after that because i feel like giving up. I am tired from all of this. I purposely did that even though i know that it is not doing any good to me and God will be unhappy with all these actions.

But i realize that there is a reason why God wants me to turn to Him for everything even if i am upset, because whatever actions that i do without God in it will harm myself instead. Trying to stay strong without God is futile because there is no way i can come out better on my own strength.

I always tend to go into self inflicted misery for the first few days after something bad happens before i turn back to God. Sounds really foolish but i always want to sort of punish myself because i feel guilty. But i realize that God does not want me to do that to myself anymore. Not saying that i should not feel guilty but rather surrendering everything to God and asking for God’s grace and strength to make a better and correct choice in the future.

God does not want people to feel guilty forever, He wants people who are willing to change for the better and pick themselves up after each fall. For He knows we are imperfect and being stuck in guilt is going to harm ourselves more instead. So i am going to learn how to depend on Him immediately every time something bad happens and not wallow in self misery.

Sorry God for not trusting you enough and doing foolish things. Help me to recognize what You want me to do and give me strength to pick myself up. Thank you God for not giving up on me and forsaking me even when i want to give up on myself.

Happy New Year!

2015 is here already!

To be honest, i am not ready to embrace a new year just yet. 2014 has passed by way too fast and i don’t have time to even catch a breath. These past few days i had been busy with school assignments. Or rather these past few weeks i have been either staying at home doing school work or going out with things to do. The only time i get to rest was when i sleep at night.

I am definitely feeling super productive at this pace but i am getting really tired. My last assignment due before exams is on 7 Jan and my first exam paper is on 12 Jan. I just can’t wait for holidays to come!

Anyway i spent my last minutes of 2014 in church. It is my first time as i always spend the countdown at home. It wasn’t as bad as i thought frankly hahaha because i thought its gonna be boring. And also i gave a testimony in church! So relieved that i manage to deliver it well. I made this impromptu decision to give a testimony 2 days before at night when i was worshiping God privately. I was in that mood to really give thanks and so i sent a sms to Pastor informing him. After the mood die down, i was literally shocked at what i just done haha. Anyway i am happy, happy to thank God for He deserves all the glory. 2014 was a year where i witnessed His work on my life in many of my situations and I am deeply grateful.

New year resolutions? Well i do not usually have a specific plan because i do not want to end up regretting.

I just want to get even more closer to God this year and challenge myself to be more like Him.

I want to be more expressive in my love for people, want to open up more.

I want to stay and look young for as long as i can so that i will not look so old when i am with my siblings ( which literally means i need to exercise and eat healthier)

These resolutions are lifelong and it reflects my deepest desires. My ultimate resolution is to see God’s goodness in every circumstance and to be better than the day before.