Right perspective

There is a big difference between being feeling guilty and self awareness.

Feeling guilty is when the person is aware of the mistake he made but he does not do anything about it. The mistake paralyses him and he just simply stay at that position.

Being self aware is when the person is aware of the mistake and takes action to resolve it or move on from it.

I had been living in guilt in terms of my relationship with God. I know that I have done so many mistakes. I don’t dare to face Him and I continue making the same mistakes. I feel miserable because of that.

I had enough of this. It’s time to start everything anew. I failed to see that I can be forgiven by God, I was in a state of self misery because I think that I don’t deserve to be forgiven. The harder I tried, the worse I became.

But God’s love is always there for me and I didn’t see it. And now I finally see.
I should no longer condemn myself anymore.

I will not let anything get in my way anymore. I will focus on You God.

Redefining

Redefining my goals of what it is meant to be happy and successful.

I have always held on to this belief that being successful is seeing my loved ones happy together and being able to do what I want. And also to help others achieve their dreams.

So I push for perfection. I hate conflicts, and get hurt easily when i receive nasty words from my loved ones. My self esteem is based on how they think of me and also how I have treated them well.

But I’m tired emotionally. It’s like I’m trying and trying but I’m not getting anywhere. I ask God countless times how long must this go on before success can be achieved.

I get hurt at home. I don’t dare to open up in church, anyway those people there also wouldn’t want to talk to me because i am so quiet. In school I play a lot to relax myself.

I thought that real happiness is in seeing your loved ones happy and no matter how much the sacrifice, I don’t mind. But I’m not that awesome either. I got my weakness too.

But I realise that no matter how much I tried, the most unhappy person is myself because I don’t see the desired results.

I have decided from now on I make myself happy first. Then I try to make others happy. How to help others when I can’t even be happy about myself? I won’t push for perfection anymore. Let the river flow, if its meant to be, it will be. I will still help people and love them in the best way that I could. But nope I will focus on myself first.

Turning 20 this year, I cannot keep being naively idealistic about everything, especially people. I have always silently wish that maybe I could be an inspiration to others if I am able to get my family to be bonded and loving. Like I can encourage those in the future who are facing a similar situation to mine. But I can’t control everything.

But I will view this from a different perspective, that even if my family is unable to be bonded in the end. I will still encourage others because I know how they feel and I can impart whatever I know to them.

No longer striving for perfection anymore.