Nothing to lose

I had nothing to lose already.

I can lose friends, can be make fun of by other people. That is the worse treatment that i can receive and there is nothing worse then that.
They cannot take away my life and my mind.

It is only when you hit rock bottom then you realize that things are not as bad as they seem to be at first glance. i might have a harder time but i still can live through it.

It all comes down to how i think.

The world will still continue revolving regardless of whether i am still here a not. So i should not care and be fearful of others’ opinions.

I don’t really care anymore.


In trouble

I find myself getting emotionally worse as each day pass by. When you finally succumb to reality and know that you are not worth it. With all the past disappointing experiences and the way things are now.

I cannot see the future. I cannot look at the big picture because my heart is too scarred.

I shouldn’t be thinking like this but my heart is too broken for me not to care. I have given too many people the impression that I can handle everything. I thought I could too but nope I am not.

With the way I see if I continue on like this, I wonder if I could live past my birthday .

I got no one to share my woes with. Because I find it hard to verbalise the pain and pressure that I’m feeling. Even if I do, that person wouldn’t get it.

God I want to have more faith but for now it’s too difficult. I feel that I am judged everywhere I go. I cannot be myself. It’s tiring.

It hurts till my tears cannot come out. Even if it did it is silently shed.
I am fading away day by day.

There are people who cares but it’s hard to let them in. The reason why I am still living is because I got responsibilities towards them and God too.

So I am stuck in a hellhole, living is a misery while dying is not a option at all.

I am in trouble.


I am emotionally tired.

Tired of explaining, of being calm in all situations.

Is my thinking really naive and too far-fetched? That i should be more complicated and start conforming to what the world wants?

That sincerity and being simple is not enough?

That it is not possible to find a environment where everyone works together for the common good with no ulterior motives?

Am i too idealistic?
Am i mature and independent enough? Nope that is confirmed.

I dont know how am i going to continue on my journey like this. I feel that if i live for myself, i am not going to have a easy time but if i should live how the world expects me to be, i will never be satisfied.

These past few days thanks to unpleasant situations i asked myself, am i studying the right thing? should i be here? For the first time and i am already halfway in this course.
I feel that the business world is way more harsher and with my thinking i doubt i can survive.

I am lost, i do not know what my future is. I just want to help others, do meaningful stuff while earning money. Social work, i hope that i can get there because i cannot think of anything else.
I want REAL interactions with people not superficiality.

I cannot stand fakeness at all. I cannot stand being in a atmosphere where i have to keep up my guard all the time. It only makes me very tired and hopeless.

I know i am not worthy enough for people to see past my appearance and get to know me personally. I am not that good either.

I am emotionally tired


People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Kent M. Keith (via keyclubemily)

This is so true! INFJ ( forver crazy about personality descriptions)

Semester 2 year 2 of poly is starting!

Tomorrow i am starting a new semester with new modules, environment and people.
I am just gonna keep it easy and just flow with whatever i am going to do.
No expectations.

This holiday has actually gave me lots of personal time to myself. I get to enjoy being alone and being truly myself. i do not have any pressuring tasks to do and so i can relax. But sometimes the agony of doing nothing actually pressures me more instead as i am constantly thinking. My mind is never at rest.

I do wish sometimes that there is a button to keep my mind at ease as i am always analysing all the time. Sometimes over analysing till i see all the imperfections and i cannot appreciate the treasures in front of me. Keep looking back at certain situations and how i could have make it better or stuff. Stupid and foolish, i know. That is one of my weakness: not being able to move on especially in relationships with people. Because i care too much but express yet too little.

Sometimes i dislike myself for not being so openly affectionate towards others. I am just like a person on standby, if they encounter problems then i will quietly help. If not i will just step back. Its so easy to get taken advantage off but i mean it with sincerity. But then nowadays the world is much more greedy, sincerity is not enough.

So this time round, i will still put in sincerity but if i sense that its being made use, i just stop. I always held this naive belief that even if people use it for their own advantage, they will still somehow appreciate it but i have been proven wrong countless times.

It is already terrible enough that i cannot open up fully and be myself to people except whom i am really close to because of my INFJ personality.
I am attempting to be better through sincerity but then again i cannot please anyone.

My worst enemy is myself. My emotions are constantly on a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes too high and sometimes too low.

How would i call it? I have no idea.

Anyway i can keep it under control, there is a brain there for that purpose. Just stay cool!

My life is awesome so far

Awesomely boring but calming.

Books, bed, pillow, phone, bath, laptop, food and no money.
Cannot get over this feeling that I can actually find a job and earn some money but I’m lazy and reluctant.
But actually it’s because I see my friends all busily working that I feel guilty.

Heh but then I can save money still? As long as I don’t have any wants in mind. I can survive!

Anyway it’s a sooner or later thing that I have to join the working world. So there is no need to rush. I shall just idle around. No rush to gain work experiences, just focus on doing well in poly

Worse come to worse then I shall work after poly or the next long semester break.