Crippled

Do you ever had this feeling where you missed an opportunity in the past because your own walls were too high that you could not open up at that time and now when you have finally break through the barrier, the opportunity is gone and the door is closed.

And when you look at the situation now, all you could do is to silently accept your fate and not complain, while your head is buzzing with all the what ifs and should have been.

The closer something is to my heart, i find it even harder to open up and verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I feel crippled sometimes because i had successfully manage to keep my thoughts deep into myself that it is hard to bring it out. So i am seen as cold and distant to most people, like i am too logical and i don’t have much facial expressions. Being introvert plays a part too, if i am staying too long outside than i expected to, my face will just become emotionless because i am tired. I am justifying myself and i know that no matter how good the reason is, once the door is closed, it is closed.

I just feel useless sometimes. Like i got all these dreams that i want to reach but yet my actions are not getting me there. Its like i got battles that i have to overcome it myself before i can even start making steps to reach those dreams. It is not easy but i have to be patient with myself.

I am glad that i know that i am an INFJ at least. Because i always find myself not being able to fully fit in anywhere and i can be contradictory at times.  I know myself fully but i cannot control how other people might perceive me as. People always get me wrong on my first impressions, i am not kidding and i know it is because i am too private which people misinterpret as aloof. I have given up on trying to make people change their views on me. Now i am focusing on myself, on what i can improve on myself and not on how others think of me.

It is just that every time i see that situation, i just sigh and start thinking of all the whats if again although i know they do not care. Every time i see that, i always question what is wrong with myself. Oh well.

 

Lost is good but not for too long

It is okay to get lost sometimes but do not get lost for too long.

Getting lost makes you want to focus on something, drives you to take actions and to really think of what really matters.

It is perfectly okay to get lost in life, to not know where to go next.

But there should be a defined limit and timing on how long you want to be lost in.

You cannot be totally lost and not know what to do for the rest of your life.

The feeling of being lost can be thrilling at times because you have freedom in dictating your steps and you can move in and out of areas freely. But as you move in and out, you will start to identify what suits and not suits you. What brings you to life and what motivates you.  It is important to take note of what brings life to you because this is part of the essence of who you are. So jump into unknown territory, ask questions and start planning!

You are responsible for your life and you also have to be accountable to your loved ones. So do not get lost for too long, do not let life dictate your path but you dictate your own path.  Don’t just live and work just to make money, for you cannot bring it with you when you leave this earth. Live to bring out the best in yourself, positively impacting people and making a difference in their lives. Money can always be earned later and is measurable but the impact you leave on others is priceless and long lasting.

One way to get an inkling of who you are is the Myer- Briggs personality test. It is really informative on who you are and how you react in certain situations,  it is not conclusive and mostly general.

Another way is to follow your interests, however not all interests are suitable to be a career choice so do keep that in mind.

Another way is to establish your values and principles, actually this is not a Way, it is the essence of who you are. The reason why you choose to behave and make decisions in different situations. What do you truly believe in?

Everybody have talents. I hope people realize that just because some talents seems to shine brighter than others, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their talents are of lesser value. In fact not all talents can be measurable. Society is trying to give a measurement to everything and having standards on what is good and not good. But hey everybody is imperfect, so do not be so obsessed with society’s standards and tie it to your own self-worth. It is pretty disheartening to see people giving up so quickly just because they think they cannot make it when in reality they really do have the potential to go far, all they need is for their talents to be more polished through training.

Success does not mean that you need to be recognized by everybody. You do not need to gain fame to be counted as successful. I believe that success comes when you finally know what you have and using it to the best to influence the people around you positively and having the peace and contentment within that not everything needs to be quantifiable.

It is really important to know your own identity because society is no longer as helpful as it seems. There are chaos all around and you are going to end up miserable if you let it define you.

 

Daily Prompt: I Believe

For today’s prompt, tell us three things that you believe in your heart to be true. Tell us three things you believe in your heart to be false

Three things i believe in my heart to be true:

1. That Christ lives in my heart.

God is always there with me, guiding me in every step that i take, letting me pour out everything to Him and unconditionally loving me. I am always thankful and grateful that He is a merciful and loving God.

2. I want to be used by God to fulfill His purpose for me

I believe that everybody on earth has a purpose through the different talents and personalities that each person have.  The best way i can honor and love back God is to let Him guide me to my destiny, using the best of my talents and developing new skills to be better to love and help people.

3. I can always improve.

There is never an end to learning in all areas. I believe that what i lack or is bad in can always be turned around if i am willing to learn with determination. It is not possible for me to excel in everything but i can excel in some things. As long as i keep my optimistic mode and bounce back from failures, i can achieve what i set out to do.

Three things that i believe in my heart to be false:

1. That i cannot do it.

Self doubts is always one of the biggest killers to any desire or goal that i want to do. Fear is my greatest enemy, not people.

2. That i cannot reach out to people because i am an introvert.

I am an INFJ and my personality type has mostly been described as being quiet and really very private. Most likely to get misunderstood. People have always got me wrong from their first impression of me. When i am actually shy, they think i am aloof. I love people, in fact i am somewhat a contradiction. I am an introvert who loves people, who needs to have deep conversations with people and help them. I can be alone too because i need time to recharge. But i cannot be alone 100 per cent of the time, i will be really miserable.

3.  That my life is meant to be a disaster because of problems.

I faced many difficult problems that i should not be going through at my age. In fact sometimes i get depressed and angry on why i had to even be facing that problem in the first place.  I will vent my anger at God, and He knows what i am really feeling. I am thankful that He still loves me and did not abandon me after that.

I believe that God is in my life during those times. It is so easy for me to become rebellious and just waste my life away. I could have become a bitter person. I have many motivational books at home and i believe that it is not just my own decision but God’s hand was in it to lead me to read those books to become stronger. And from those experiences, i can use it to comfort others when they are facing the similar situation too. I believe that God is at work in me, to use those experiences to help others.

God is the same yesterday, today and forever and i am really grateful for what He has done for me so far and i am praying and looking forward to the future because i know my life is in His hands.

Decided on pursuing Psychology

I went for the SIM Global University Open House today.

And i came out with wanting to pursue psychology instead. ( I really hope that its the right one and no more changes please) It is not a radical change, i can still enter the social work field with a Psychology degree. In practical terms, there are more career options to choose from as compared to pursuing social work. I have kind of given up on the social work degree idea because the criteria is really too discouraging for me. The fact that the degree is part time and i have to be working and studying at the same time just stress me out. I have no idea if i can cope with both.

If my results are good, hopefully i study all the way up to Masters and become a certified psychologist. I just do not want to end up being on another crossroad if i graduate with just a normal psychology degree and being unable to become a psychologist. I do not think i will face that much of a problem, maybe i can do basic counselling?

I really want to help people, find out the potential in them and bring out their best.  My friends all kind of agreed that i am more suited for psychology because i observe people well. I told my dad about it and he seems more satisfied with this choice. Right now, i will be searching for more information and pray to God about it.

Really really hope my next post is not announcing that i have change plans again. I do not like to be indecisive and my mind needs to be at peace.

Daily Prompt: Never Surrender

Daily Prompt: Never Surrender

Are you stubborn as a grass stain or as easy going as a light breeze on a warm day? Tell us about the ways in which you’re stubborn — which issues make you dig your heels in and refuse to budge?

I am a stubborn person in many ways but not in all ways. Being stubborn has its pros and cons, depending on what issue i am not willing to give in on.  Throughout poly, during project work  i have known that people said that i am domineering and stubborn. I do not deny that because when it comes to work especially i am usually serious and will want the project to be successful so i will want to know what is going on in the progress of the project. I do wish i am more laid back and become bo chap, but i am not one so i won’t be like that just to get along with everybody. But i am not domineering all the time, if i see somebody being more capable than me, i let the person do all the leading. Actually i do not agree with the term,” domineering” because i do not attempt to control everybody parts in the project. All i usually do is to initiate the meetings, request to split the workload, ask for the deadline and know who does what.  After which i just do finish my own part and submit to whoever is compiling and i just have a look through the given final report before the submission date.  So how is that domineering? All i want to know actually is if the project is going on smoothly and i will not bother much after that.

There are definitely some things i am pretty stubborn on, unwilling to budge and not compromising on it. These are mostly got to do with my own personal values and what i believe in.

1. My Christian beliefs

My Christian beliefs are an essential part of my own personal values and principles that i stand for. I truly believe that there is a God who exists and who loves us so deeply despite our imperfections. I can feel His love and this Love is available to anybody regardless of their race, background, imperfections to those who believes in Him.

2. My decisions on my future

I am fully responsible for my own life and therefore whatever major life decisions i make is fully up to me and i am willing to take up the consequences for it. Be it choosing a career, marriage or buying a house. Definitely i am lacking in many areas, and i will make sure that i am prepared for every decision and seeking God’s guidance on it.

Okay i must have sounded so serious and stubborn. There are areas that i am NOT stubborn on especially when it comes to dealing with PEOPLE.  I mean i get really stubborn if they are doing something really wrong and i have to tell them about it because it is in conflict with the general values and morals that society wants to uphold.

But when it comes to having a conversation, a heart to heart talk, i usually let the other party take the lead. I won’t force my thinking on them, won’t force them to only talk about a certain few topics. I let them take the lead, i let them decide what they want to do, where they want to go and what they want to eat. I will only open up if they ask me or if i think that it is okay for me to open up to them without them feeling annoyed. If they need a good listener, i be there to listen. If they need some help, i help them in the best way i know. Because everybody is unique and have their own thinking. Mostly because i love them for who they are, i do not need them to have to pretend in front of me, i get hurt if i knew they did that. Mostly because i care. We  are all imperfect people and we need to help each other. That is why i am really sensitive to the non-verbal communication, i know if the person is not being true or hiding something from me.  When it comes to heart to heart communications, i am vulnerable but i know its worth being vulnerable if at the end of the day, something wonderful happens and the relationship (friendship) is brought to a higher level of understanding and trust.

So in conclusion, i am still quite stubborn la but not so stubborn till i cannot accept opinions or different views. Still normal okay!

 

Press On

If only it was that easy, that i could have just went ahead with getting a business degree and spent the rest of my life working in business and earning money.

But i know i would be unhappy. for my main desire from my heart is to serve and help people. And i know that it is not going to be easy going this path, i will be challenged emotionally, mentally and even for all i know financially. My heart and my mind is being set on this path and i firmly believe that God has led me to this.

Way back before i took my O levels, i did not ever think about social work or anything related to it. In fact i only think of getting into business because it is common and is the safest path. But then suddenly one day God put this two words into my heart; social enterprise. I went to search for more information about it and i learnt that it is a business with a non-profit cause. Before i gotten back my O level results, i have a few choices in mind. They are: Psychology course at NP, Business and Social Enterprise at NP, Human Resources with Psychology at SP. I did very well for my prelims and with the consistent good results i have been getting and working hard for, i thought i could get into these courses.

But life is just unpredictable, my O level results were totally disappointing. I never thought that it could be that bad, because i had put in my best effort. I was upset and with my score i could not even get in to those courses. I questioned God because if He really wants me to pursue something related to social enterprise then i should have gotten better results to get into the course that He set me for.  In the end, i told God that i will just pursue business with the HR option first and if He really wants me to do something related to social enterprise, maybe i get another opportunity after getting the business diploma.

This desire of mine has been slowly burning at the back of my mind  and in my heart as i do my business diploma in NYP. It is not really possible for me to sustain this desire because i did not even think of it in the first place and HR is really not bad as a career with the money making prospects being there.

Not only has this desire continued to persist but it has even grew stronger as i ended poly. I mentioned about social work to several people and am given some tips about it. There is even a friend who offered to help me get a position to work for in the non profit organization as she knew the director, but i am not close to her personally and do not really like to use connections so i have not approached her.

My heart is at peace now but my mind is raging with all the what if questions. My heart is strangely at peace because i knew that God wanted me to pursue this and i knew that everything will turn out fine eventually. But my mind is not because people around me has been asking me on what i am planning to do. I wish i could give them a definite answer but no i do not have it. All i know is in this gap year before i can qualify to study social work in SIM, i have to get a full time job. Now it is just a matter of what job, should i go try for a social work internship with the pay very low or work with my HR business diploma? I want money but i need the experience as well. I do not know what will happen in the next few years, what more decades because social work is different from business. With business there is predictability, but with social work it is not.

I reach my answer soon but for now i just simply press on.

 

1st week since poly ended

One week has passed since poly ended.

I have been cooped up with my hobbies.

On Monday, i visited my mom and accompanied her to see the doctor. Victoria, my youngest sibling is already 8 months old. The previous time i saw her was when she was 6 months old and 2 months made a lot of difference. She has grown bigger and her facial features are more sharp. I felt a bit of regret that i could not be with her most of the time and she has grown up so quickly. Her two older sisters, Tiffany and Nicole also grew taller and now i could have a basic conversation with them. Last time when i spoke to them, they usually replied me nonsensically but now they can answer me and talk to me. I am happy.

I went to borrow some crime fiction books from the library. It has been quite long since i had borrowed books. I borrowed 6 books in total on Tuesday. And by today, i read finish 5 books.  Reading has been my favorite hobby since primary 4, i devour books faster than i devour food 🙂

On Wednesday, i met up my primary school friend for dinner. I loved one to one conversations because those conversations always run deep. And i always talk about the deep stuff, understanding the person more. I am thankful that this friendship is gonna stay long term despite the different phrases of life.

On Thursday, i went swimming in the morning. Okay i shall confess, i did not exactly swim. In fact i lost that touch of swimming and my stamina is gone case. I swum and chilled in the pool for an hour before i gave up because the water was too cold. But still, swimming refreshed my morning.

On Friday, my poly friend and i went to a career and education fair at Suntec Convention Centre. I was supposed to attend this seminar on career options on public and social services but it got cancelled when i was there. So my friend and i walked around mainly to the social services booths to obtain more information. I also did a personality assessment at one of the booths with the consultant helping to analyse the results. The consultant that analysed my result said that my personality is fitting for social work and i am even much more convinced that i have to pursue it. I just cannot think of any other career options other than that.

That evening, i was the projectionist for my church Friday’s prayer service. The service was great with God’s presence being felt there so keenly. And i somehow felt guilty that i am in the service because i am on duty. I will try to make it a point to attend those monthly Friday prayer services from now on. Prayer is extremely important because God make things happen based on that. My prayer life is not that good and i need to make it a point to pray daily. Prayer is not simply asking God to fulfill our requests but it is more of a conversation with God and knowing that He is in control despite our circumstances.

I am contented and thankful that my first week went smoothly like this.  One day at a time.

It is okay to do nothing

I don’t know why but i am quite bothered by the fact that i am doing nothing. Not searching for jobs or registering for further studies. I guess seeing how my peers are getting jobs and making a living kinds of pressure me to quickly get one too.

But no i will not give in to external pressure. I guess this is how stressful Singapore’s society is. And i can bet that majority of Singaporeans are workaholics, that it feels wrong to just do nothing and simply rest. The competitive mentality that is ingrained through education, that we are just a tiny red dot and then if we do not work hard enough, we will fade away. Yes this is the truth but we can balance it out. I know it is not easy but i believe we do not need to be No 1 at everything, especially on things that are quantifiable but does not have much meaningful value.  Like for example, we can be the top for the high standard of living but yet ranked poorly for happiness.

We are humans after all with desires of our own that we want to fulfill. Let us not lose our lives slogging out for money and then having no time to fulfill those desires. It is okay to take a break and let us be in control of when we should take those breaks. Because even if you do not care about your body and neglects it, your body will automatically do something to make you slow down, eg illness. You cant earn time but you can earn money.

And so i shall not jump into a job simply because of pressure but i will jump into it when i want to. I am going to rest, indulge in my hobbies and have some me time so that i can carefully think out of where i should go next. To be in the moment and enjoy it, that is what it really matters.

Unofficially graduated from poly

A huge sigh of relief came over me when i finished my last exam paper.

Out of all the 3 papers that i took, the last exam paper would be the best that i have done for. I felt so relieved as i walk out from the exam hall and i couldn’t believe that poly is over just like that. Celebrated with my friends after that with a nice lunch at Din Tai Fung followed by a BBQ at a classmate’s friend place.

The 3 years i spent in poly has taught me many things especially with people. I have my up moments and down moments in poly life however the most important thing that i have gained is to learnt to be truly myself. I will not apologize for who i am and stick firm to my principles.  I learnt that not everything can be concluded especially with people, sometimes silence is the best way to end it although i really do wish i can get some answer but it is time to move on. Action speaks way way louder than words and i have observed and see who could be trusted. And people will respect you when you mind your own business, not interfering in problems or participating in gossips that does not concern you. Another one that i have learnt is that being too cynical robs your youth mentality and you will feel much older and bitter although physically you are not.

The working world will be much harsher definitely and i am hesitant to quickly step out to join the masses of office people flowing in and  out in a routine from 9 to 5 from Monday to Friday. Although i do wish to quickly earn money so that i could travel overseas with my friends but i needed my rest and enjoyment first before getting into a job. The most dreaded and pressing question is what am i gonna do after poly? I have no certain answer. I mentioned so many times before that i want to study social work but i don’t meet any criteria because i will have to be 21 and working full time. For now its either i pursue a HR job with my current diploma or try to get a social work internship.  Or maybe just give up social work and pursue a psychology with business degree.

I craved for meaning in my work, meaning in terms of helping people, offering emotional support. The type of jobs i am seeking for are those with high meaningful value but low pay. I do wish i can find a job that balances both aspects. Yesterday was my first day of holiday and i had been onto JobStreet already :/ Must mentally tell myself thst i need a break to recharge myself. Work will always knock on your door whether you want it a not but rest is something you must make time for. Till then, i am gonna keep my fingers crossed and hopefully God will show me a definite path to take.