Living as a child of God

In this current season whereby i am still in the process of looking for a job, i am also learning how to live as a child of God. Knowing God is one thing, knowing who i am in relation to God in my life is a whole new paradigm shift. Living as a child of God is a deliberate daily effort to fix my eyes on Him above my circumstances and walking by faith knowing that i am always loved in spite of how i may feel.

Who is God to me?

To me, God is my Savior, Creator, King, Lord, Counselor, Lover, Friend, Healer, Author and Defender. Describing who God fully represents in a word is not possible at all. The most intimate term that i like to describe my relationship with God is that He is my daddy God. He is a God of the universe and a loving Father to me also.

So often than not, i will just let my relationship with God end on this level and i will not think about who i am in relation to God. Because i find myself lacking, i will forever be lacking and so when bad times come, i will end up falling apart. My identity as a child of God was not firmly rooted in my heart. It is one thing to know it in my head, it is a whole different thing to absorb and live out this truth in my heart.

As i grow older, i start to slowly see the significance of what Jesus has actually done when He died for the cross for everybody. His death on the cross did not just simply take away our sins, He also gave us new identities as sons and daughters of God to those who believe in Him and made a way for all of us to approach God freely without having to be afraid or shameful. We are approved in God’s sight because Jesus has paid the price for us.

What does being a child of God means?

I can freely come to God anytime without feeling condemned or unworthy because Jesus has paid the price for my sins.

I am unconditionally loved and accepted which means i do not have to seek for approval from others because i am already approved by God who created me and knows me intimately.

I am part of God’s family and i have a divine inheritance in which i can freely come to God to ask for His wisdom, power and courage. The Holy Spirit is inside of me which testifies to me being a child of God.

My eternity is secured and death has no power over me.

I do not need to worry about the future because God has marked out my future in His Hands and He will provide for all of my needs.

I am God’s workmanship, God will mold me to be like Him as i choose to follow and obey Him. He is the author of my story. I do not need to think too much on what i am lacking.

Living out as a child of God is not an automatic thing because i am a human and it is so easy to get swayed and caught up in the things and voices of this world. The voices of the world that everybody is living in is not kind at all. It is harsh, it emphasizes humans’ worth based on what they can do and not in who they are. This world wants to see concrete results such as accomplishments, awards, profits and status which does not fully answer the longings of unconditional love and acceptance that all humans seek for deep within. This world demands for conformity to its standard of success which looks glamorous but shallow deep within and it does not take into account the uniqueness of every individual.

Living out as a child of God is never possible based on my human strength. The Holy Spirit in me is the One who helps me to live it out. My relationship with God is not something that i brainwashed myself into, it is a living relationship that gets tested by the unpredictability of life most of the time.

This current season of life that i am living in now is pushing me onto a whole new level of walking with God. I am applying for social service jobs purely on faith. I am not even looking for other jobs. I get tested with many what if thoughts every day. I do not know when i will actually start working. I am not even rushing myself so hard to apply or get too frantic by the bad news in job markets because living as a child of God means that i have a God who has me in His Hands and that i will get a job on His timing eventually.

Living as a child of God means that i do not need to live according to the demands of this world. I freely entrust everything to God first and always. Each time i feel shaken, i turn to God. I place my trust on who God is and who i am in relation to God. I do this by reading the Bible so that i know who God is and worshiping Him. On my part, i have to remind myself of who i am in God and God will take care of the rest. I am so thankful that each time i come to God, He draws close to me with His loving presence and peace that surpasses all human understanding. My rest and soul is made complete in His presence which i will never take it for granted. Such a precious gift that is made available to anybody who believes in Him. Walking with God is an adventure simply because i do not know what is coming next but my future is guaranteed in His Loving Hands.

 

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Operating from a faith paradigm

After the disappointing setback from my first job, I have actually entered into a low phrase. I felt really disappointed with the way things have turned out and i came face to face with the fact that i am actually not strong enough and i have certain false expectations towards the job.

I told everybody and myself included that i will go back to find HR jobs first to build up my professional capabilities and i will go back into social service in the future when i am more equipped professionally and personally. HR is not a bad choice, after all i do have some previous working experience in that field.

However my passion is not in HR, it is still related to social service field. I thought that i can always come back to my passion later. But there is this sense of discontent within me that refuses to go away. I applied for HR jobs with no feelings, it is really just finding a match between my qualifications and what they need. I went for 3 HR interviews with no success, and the main reason is because my passion is not showing across during the interview as much as i tried to. Interviews are about selling yourself well right? I just could not fake my passion or myself.

I reached to a point whereby i tell God that i honestly do not know what to do with my life. I told God i surrender all to Him, but my meaning of surrender is actually me giving up in an air of defeat. I just could not see where i am going. I tried applying for HR jobs mostly is because i want a comfortable life although my passion is not there. However i realized that i cannot work in a job with no passion. As much as i tried to ignore this passion factor, it disturbs me a lot inside and it is my downfall in interviews because i cannot fake it.

I cannot run away from the calling that God has placed into my heart. The desire to help the vulnerable in society is still going strong inside me even though i got badly burnt by my first job experience. My first job experience taught me a lot of things and revealed to me the danger of placing too much of my self-worth in work. I realized that in my pursuit of finding a meaningful job, i have tied my self-worth to that too. That is partly why i got so discouraged badly when my first job experience ended badly. My identity as a child of God is not strong enough to sustain me in difficult moments. I believe that God allowed that job experience to refine me and show me parts of myself that needs to be strengthened. I also was not ready to make personal sacrifices, i wanted a comfortable life whereby i can leave work at work and have time for myself to do what i want to do.

It is a personal struggle. It is either my will or God’s will. Since secondary school, i have told God that my life’s purpose is to fulfill the purpose that He has called me for. Social work were the two words placed into my heart when i was 16 even though i am clueless about it back then. The desire to help others started from there. It was the reason why I pursued psychology in university even though i had previously studied business in poly. I could have pursued a social work degree, but back then i could not make it in due to age and the circumstances i was in. I still want to do God’s Will and i have to be ready to give up all that i have to follow Him. My heart is already captured by the unconditional grace and love that God has given and i cannot ignore His calling.

Luke 9: 62

Jesus replied,” No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”

Luke 14: 26-27

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Am i willing to give up all that i have to serve God? Loving God is putting Him above my needs and desires. God will take care of all that i need and the people that i care for. It is a matter of faith and trust in a God who has already secured my future.

Romans 8: 28-39

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us,who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns?No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[b]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[c] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have decided to follow Christ. I am going to solely concentrate my focus on looking for social service jobs. The path will be tough but nothing is impossible with God on my side. I am learning to wait upon God. Which means i am not eagerly rushing or anxious to apply for jobs the minute i see it, but to turn it all over to Him in prayer and to live life joyfully. The past few weeks i have been living in a state of worry, like as if i do not have God. It is so easy to go into a state of worry because the world is full of demands. This is where i choose to live differently. God is so so much bigger than the mountains i am facing now. He will definitely provide me a job soon. It is the process that matters more not the destination, and i am learning how to live out from a faith paradigm. I do not have to fret when i see gloomy news because i serve a faithful and mighty God. I need to learn to rest upon His promises in His Word for He is my Hope.

2016 

Hi! Been a really long while since I last posted. It is due to the fact that I started to keep a private journal offline. I do not want my thoughts to be scattered all over in different outlets. 

So why I am back here? Just to share some thoughts about the events that I encountered this year and trying to see a bigger perspective from all the things that I have been through. 

Summing up the past 9 months of 2016 in one word would be: Change. 

There were many ups and downs for me this year. The major up would be the fact that God has blessed me with a new group of Christian friends that I met only in my final semester of university. However my friendship with them is still going very strong. I am really happy to have met them because they are the type of godly friends that I have prayed to God many times before. They love God and they unconditionally support and love me too. The best gift I can give back to them would be unconditional love and support with God’s grace. I do still love my cell group too, still need to pray for God to strengthen the fellowship and love. I know that my priority will be cell group first always. I want to be greedy, want to have cell group and my new group of friends. 

Another major up is the fact that I graduated from university. Really thankful to God for it. I have kind of completed my education. Though I know that I will most probably pursue future studies, see where God leads. 

There are consistent ups in my life too like my family and friends. The fact that I am still living with a roof over my head and with food to eat is something that I will not take for granted. 

I knew that 2016 will be an uncertain year for me because I am graduating and I will have to find a job. 

God let me go through numerous trials this year to shape me and break my bad parts away from me. It is a painful process and it is still going on now. 

The refining of my character started in my final arts edge module in university earlier this year. I was leading the class to create a symposium from scratch. There was plenty of emotional energy being spent because I have to move out of my comfort zone to make a conscious effort to care for the people I’m leading for and to learn how to communicate tactfully when conflicts arises. A lot of the work being produced at the symposium is all done by my classmates, I am just helping to make sure that they do it by a certain timeframe. Which means that I cannot personally control a lot of things. This is where I faced my own weaknesses and I see my blind spot. I start to really surrender everything to God and the success of the symposium is really by God’s grace. 

Graduating is a happy thing for me but it is scary because I am stepping out into a different world. I know that I want to work in a career whereby I can make a positive difference in the lives of others. 

By God’s grace, I found a first job of that nature after about a month of Job searching. Never did I expect that I’m stepping into a fiery furnace. I was unprepared personally and professionally in the environment that I faced that I left after 3 weeks into the job. The environment was not giving me the support that I need to do well there. It is a painful decision for me to quit but I know that I’m not ready. I felt that I disappointed God in some sense because He graciously gave me that job although I lack the necessary qualifications to be in it. But I honestly felt so so much better after leaving, and I know that this is a sign that God is okay with me making that decision. 

I have decided to pursue a job in a different field now. It has been quite a rough road, went for a few interviews with no success. Deep down I’m still wondering if going back to this field is God’s will for me. I am determined to make God will the leading voice of my life. I know my heart is not exactly in this field. I’m only applying because I need a job. I will go back to my passion in the future 

I do not know where I should go honestly. My soul is weary and I need a new heart. I don’t know if I should try applying again in the field where my heart lies because I have been burnt by it. God is my healer, he will heal my wounds. I’m just feeling stuck in life now. I know I need to get a job. But more importantly I want to seek God’s will first. Everything looks foggy now, this is where I learn to walk by faith. 

I do not know where I will be when 2016 ends yet. But one thing is for sure, I will be closer to God more  because He is refining me in my trials and teaching me to learn to rest in Him and depend on Him.

Wait for the Lord

It has been 2 weeks since my grandfather passed away and went to Heaven. He left quickly and suddenly. But i am glad that he managed to sit with us for a reunion meal a day before and he left in peace. I am glad that i manage to say my final words to him at his side, telling him to trust in God and not to worry. He is a caring grandfather, always giving plenty of advice and secretly passing money to my sister and I to make sure we have enough money. Since young, i have always been seeing him every Sunday when i head over to his place for dinner. It is hard for me really, now that he is gone. But my grief is not to the point of inconsolable for i know i will see him in heaven someday.

From my previous blog posts back in the past till now, it seems that i have been living a challenging life, isn’t it? I feel mixed emotions at this. My life is not that hard actually. I have been given an education and my physical needs are all provided for. I am thankful to God for providing for all my needs. The biggest problem is always myself.

I want to get rid of the heaviness that has been with me due to all the emotional turmoils that i have been through in the past. I am an adult now, i told myself that i can start all over again afresh because i can choose how i want to respond. When i look back at the past, i can see God’s hand in many situations. But choosing how i want to respond is easier said than done when bad situations happen. I find myself reacting the same way as i did in the past. It seems like i am attached to certain behavior and thoughts of the past, that it subconsciously comes out when challenging situations comes. For after all, it is only in hard times that i know what i am still subconsciously attached to.

Currently i am having holidays till March. It is my last holidays before my last semester of University. I am cherishing it. I know that i have to get myself right, having the right priorities and taking care of myself well. Because if i do not take care of myself well, how am i supposed to help others in the future? I do not want my past subconsciously influence my future decisions. I do not want my past to ruin the purpose that God called me to. But i realized that the more inward reflection i do on myself, the more miserable i become, because i find more flaws in myself.

Surrendering to God is my biggest problem, my pride is in the way. I know in my head that my self-worth is from being God’s child and not by my own abilities. But my heart has not gotten it yet. I find that i still measure myself based on how i perform in various roles because when something goes wrong, my self-esteem is impacted negatively. God is telling me to stay still and give everything to Him but i still fight on foolishly because i do not want to lose control. God wants me to believe in Him that He will make all things right first and not wants me to believe in Him after i received it, for that is not faith. I know that change happens only when i let God take over my life. So my biggest struggle is in obeying God and letting Him take control.

I sound so foolish right? So many i know this, i know that but still struggling. All i have to do is to believe in God’s word literally and act like i have it because i know i will receive it in the future. For faith in God is not by sight but by believing that God is never changing and His Word never fails. It is not a matter of feeling, it is a matter of choice. Do i choose to give Him my today or do i not? God has come through for me so many times, so why am i struggling? I can’t honestly said that i let God take control of my life everyday, but i will try. For my relationship with God is no longer based on feelings but by faith. I am no longer a baby believer, needing God to comfort me every single time i feel down, i have to rise up and be a mature believer. I have seen God’s goodness, i have no excuse to turn away from God.

Psalm 27: 13-14

I am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

 

Sit still

  

  
Sit still, my children! Just sit calmly still! Nor deem these days– these waiting days as ill! The One who loves you best, who plans your way, had not forgetten your great need today! And, if He waits, it’s sure He waits to prove to you, His tender child, His Heart’s deep love.

Sit still, my children! Just sit calmly still! You greatly long to know your dear Lord’s will! While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way. Corrodingly within, because of His delay– Persuade yourself in simple faith to rest. That He, who knows and loves, will do the best. 

Sit still my children! Just sit calmly still! Nor move one step, not even one, until His way has opened. Then, ah then, how sweet! How glad your heart, and then how swift your feet, Your inner being then, ah then, how strong! And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my Daughter! Just sit calmly still! What higher service could you for Him fill? It’s hard! Ah yes! But choicest things must cost! For lack of losing all much is lost! It’s hard, it’s true! But then — He gives you grace. To count the hardest spot the sweetest place. -J.Danson Smith

Learning to stay still before God is my aim for this holiday break. I always struggled with this the most. There is a wonderful power in being still. 

Staying close to God

Happy New Year!

It has been quite a while since i last blogged because i was so busy with school work and other stuff that i didn’t have the time to do it. Currently i am on a study break for a week before my exams begins at the end of this month.

Yes i have turned 21 already! A fully legal adult (not much difference though, maybe the difference starts coming when i need to sign forms and i don’t need parental consent hahaha) I held a 21st birthday party and it was a really memorable and happy day for me as i get to see all my friends and family in one place at one time. I am thankful to God for blessing me with them. I also managed to express out my gratitude to all of them ( in a half sobbing/awkward manner cos i felt so vulnerable) but i am thankful that i did it. I want to break through the barrier that i have which is expressing my affection verbally. I tend to always do it through social media but i know that i can do better than that.

I thank God for sustaining me through this semester especially because there were so many other things going on from the passing of my grandmother to my birthday party and all the festivities in between. It can get really hard to concentrate at times. In the midst of rushing through all those assignments, i also neglected the need to take a rest and also spending time with God. I really need to take note of this aspect.

For the past 3 nights, i have been attending Kingdom Invasion conference and i left with a sense of purpose and passion in my spirit to stay close to God and fulfill His will for my life. It was my second time attending (the first time was back in 2013). I went to the conference without knowing or expecting much. But i left knowing deep down in my spirit that there is no time to waste because God is coming back soon and before He appears, He will release more of His power and love on earth to His people so that His people can shine and lead more people to Him. For God does not want anyone to perish, but to have eternal life with Him.

Before this conference, i personally think that we are in the era of the last days as the world is becoming increasingly more and more chaotic without stopping. It seems like darkness is prevailing. But all hope is not gone because just as the world is becoming more and more chaotic, God is going to strengthen and make His people shine and be clearly seen among the world as His ambassadors of love and peace. The darker the darkness is, the brighter the light will be.

I felt renewed and i know that i have to be more disciplined in my ways if i want to stay close to God and know and do whatever He calls me to do.  One major takeaway from the conference was that faith is built by placing it on God Himself not on myself or my own strengths of trying to build that faith because i am limited and weak.

Staying close to God keeps that faith going and propels it to new heights. Staying close to God also helps in able to discerning accurately the will of God on what He wants to do.  Staying close to God keeps you away from traps, bondage and dangers of this world because what looks good on the surface may not be that good actually deep inside. Staying close to God is relying on Him every single day, knowing that strength and love comes from Him alone to run the race of life well. Staying close to God is knowing His presence and being in communion with Him, knowing that you are never alone wherever you are because He is with you always. Staying close to God will keep you rooted on His Word and His promises. Staying close to God will help you to see and love people from His perspective. Staying to God keeps you humble because you see God’s hand in everything and that you cannot accomplish it by your own human will.

 

 

Two weeks to turning 21

My grandma passed away peacefully last Tuesday. I saw her for the first and last time on Saturday and i witnessed the moment when she gave her life to Christ. I am thankful to God for His unconditional love and grace towards her that she can believe in Him with a clear mind.

It is my first time losing my immediate family member. Frankly i felt sad and complicated too because i am not sure how to react. I am sad but not deeply sad because i know that she is with God in heaven. I just told myself to be strong for my mother and my siblings (typical eldest mindset). The funeral went smoothly and i only cried a bit when my mum cried when my grandma was about to be cremated.

It is really true that the death of somebody will make you think about how time and being alive are  valuable assets to hold and not to neglect. I am always looking for opportunities to make a day meaningful and productive for myself (which also means i am bad at staying still and not getting the rest i really need which leads to burnout easily).

Two weeks to turning 21. I just feel that i am being much more settled in how i view myself and in my own beliefs and principles that i uphold. Turning 21 also feels like a new beginning for me to start on a new note. The past 10 years of my life have been filled with emotional scarring and negativity but also helped me to become emotionally and mentally stronger. I told my friend that if my personality now is due to the circumstances in the past 10 years, then i would not want it to affect me for the rest of my life. I want to live the next 10 years of my life being in control of what i want to become and not because of how circumstances has make me become. I want to turn my emotional scars into something good, to be able to encourage others because i have been through it before and be a blessing to others.

There are many aims i put for myself. I want to be more healthy which means exercise more, eat healthier and have better coping stress mechanisms. I know that my old way of internalizing stress is never gonna get me anywhere and it is gonna hurt me even more. One way of releasing my anxiety is to surrender everything to God because God is in control, not me. I also have to be more aware and selective in what i let into my head because i tend to get negative (subconsciously) without me realizing it as i always thought that i am being realistic. It is really important to surround myself with positive thoughts and being with people who believes and wants the best for me. God’s love and grace for me keeps me going on everyday even though i may not feel up to it all the time.

All these aims i mentioned above are really lifelong. There will never be an end to it because i am living with it everyday and i have to consciously choose whether i want to do it. There will be days when i will end up doing the opposite to those aims because i am a human after all. But it is not a matter of how many times i failed, but rather how long my perseverance lasts. This is a race for myself, with no comparison to others. I do it for the sake of my well-being and being healthy and optimistic will aid me to achieve whatever other goals i have.

 

 

Sad

Haven been blogging for the past few months because i have been busy with life and do not have anything to blog about. Life has been pretty smooth sailing.

Just heard the bad news from mum today that my maternal grandmother got hospitalized and that the cancer has spread to her bones. She previously went for a operation back in July to remove her breasts because that was where the cancer started. Apparently not all cancer cells were removed and this time it is terminal, she only have a period of time left to live.

The first time i heard about her having breast cancer, i was just shocked. I was relieved when the operation in July went smoothly and i thought it will be all fine again. But this time, i just felt really upset. It is my first time that i will be losing a immediate family member because so far everybody in my family is still living well thanks to God’s grace.

I was never close to my maternal grandmother. From young till now, she has always been cooped up in her room whenever i visited my mum. I only greeted her and see her only when she step out of the room to do some stuff. She is really quiet and don’t really talk except to my grandfather. I knew that she have some history of mental illness before but that is all i know about her.

I feel really upset that i did not really use the time to get to know her personally. I always find it hard to talk to her partly because she is always cooped up in her room and i do not know what to say. Now that she only have limited time left to live, the only thing i can do is to visit her and pray for her. Pray that she will know Christ.

Now i am just feeling really sad deep inside.

 

Subconscious tension

I did not really achieve the aims i set out for this month. I did not really did all the exercises in the book that i mentioned in my previous post. Instead i find myself being sort of going through a emotional upheaval myself not knowing exactly why. I just feel not myself and i let my emotions rule what i do.

I did not really talk to God either even though i know the best way is to let God take control. So i am subconsciously tense, because my dreams at night have been stressful. Actually i know what is causing me to feel this way, but i don’t want to dwell much on it. That is my struggles with being able to express my love freely towards the people i love (hurt) the most. I have so many thoughts in my head but i get paralyzed whenever i see them. I just automatically do my own normal stuff and feeling miserable inside for not doing, for not expressing. Have i love enough i wonder?

I know that i have build up an inner wall in my heart due to the past. I know that only God can help me set free from it. But i find myself going back into that prison so easily whenever i get weak because i am used to that familiarity. After all i am so used to keeping my emotions in that it becomes a way of living for me. But i know that it is not sustainable in the long run. I can’t keep going back to that way because i know it has a negative impact on me. I find myself having digestive problems, like finding food hard to swallow and my chest hurts.

I am not fully living freely. My thoughts are either going back to the past or endlessly thinking about the future. I want so badly to live in the present moment. This holiday i have been doing the things i want to do and i am happy but not that happy.

Just as i was typing this post, i received a negative info that my dad may want to resign because he has problems with his boss. I am told to be more conscious of what i should be doing, like being more prudent with money bla bla.

I am the eldest, i really dislike it sometimes. I have to be the strong one, i have to get my act together and be the responsible one. Nobody ever ask me how i really feel, what my worries are and what i hope or really want. I find myself automatically fulfilling that role that is why in friendships i automatically become the one that gives advice and encouragements to others. I am not being resentful. It is just i don’t like this aspect that because i am like this, i did not give myself space to be weak, that i don’t know how or where to receive encouragement when i needed it. I don’t know how to ask, the right way to ask.

So all this tension just keep on building up. I want to live freely, the kind of freedom that God has promised to me. That liberation. God says to me to be still. I am having struggles to be still. I feel like a child all over again, learning how to walk and take my first steps of what being God’s child means. I need to give up on my own ways and walk in faith knowing that it is safe and perfectly safe if i fall, because God is behind me. The first step is to communicate with Him and not keep it inside like i always do.

Aims for October

  
I have received the copy of the spiritual white space book and I am thinking of doing those exercises this month during my holidays. It is time that I explore issues that is important and make some closure from that. I would not say that I will get full healing from these exercises but I will be making a significant step to that destination with the grace of God. I am turning 21 at the end of the year, and stepping into adulthood would require me to decide things for myself and be independent. 

My last exam paper is on Monday. I thank God for helping me in my past two papers which I find manageable. I actually have tension headaches on both days of my two exam papers. I think I strain my eyes too much from reading the textbooks in the iPad mini. I thank God that the headaches were gone by the afternoon before the exams which were conducted at night. 

Last night I went for church prayer meeting. I think it’s the first time that I am going out of my own accord and not because I am on duty. I have always desire to go there every month but I always procrastinate or prioritise other stuff over it. I know God wants me to go. I love the atmosphere there, being able to feel God’s sweet presence and there are not many people so I feel more comfortable. 

The message that God wants for me is to be still. Be still and let God take over. Frankly that is my biggest struggle so far. I cannot do nothing. I am always doing something. Because whenever I am completely still, I feel vulnerable. I don’t know what to think or say. But I know that being still is vital finding rest in God. Not just physical rest but emotional and mental rest in Him. I don’t need to strive, I just need to trust. I got a glimpse of what it means when I was in the prayer meeting last night. The sense of soul satisfaction and unconditional love. It is so wonderful and liberating. 

I spent today studying, doing my stuff like usual. But I feel empty inside. Because I need to be refreshed deep within. I know part of the reason is not having deep conversations with people for a long while. I need that human touch. Finding rest in God is one major aspect. But connecting meaningfully to others is also an important aspect. 

I am still bad at asking people for help when it comes to issues like these. Emotional issues. I don’t know how to even ask. I want people to care and ask for my welfare. I do have friends who truly cares for me and ask how I have been. But I want something deeper than that. I want people to ask me on how I feel deep down within on certain issues and give me space to express my thoughts and feelings. It is so weird to ask people to ask myself. I don’t even know how to even pop that question. I just want people who believes in me and brings out the best in me. I am praying to God for a mentor also, cos I need guidance and I know that friends may not be able to answer all my questions due to lack of experiences. 

I feel lonely at times. I crave for that meaningful connection and concern. I realised that i won’t usually open up about my problems unless I am asked to or I think the person will be okay with listening to it. Usually when I am with a friend, I will be more focused on the matters of the friend rather than myself. I know if I need more support, I need to be more proactive in asking for it. It may seems weird but so far that is the only idea I have. 

I just need more courage, less pride and more trust. May this month be a fruitful month for personal growth. 

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