Exasperated

I feel driven up the wall by exasperation by my own parents like all the time whenever i interact with them. This frustration is so frustrating that i cannot really name it, i do not want to think about it, i get headache.

My dad asked me on my job search yesterday and i told him my decision to turn back to finding jobs in social service. Thankfully he did not explode, he just kinda nagged at me in a disappointing tone about how i ended my first job and i did not listen to him bla bla. I expected this from him so i am not too upset. I do not even want anything from him anymore other than providing me with a roof over my head and food. I do not expect him to be a pillar of emotional support or love. I just give up on that idea. All i see from him is his face of disapproval, impatience and anger, i feel like i will never measure up to his expectations. When was the last time he said he love me? He said it to me and my sister when we cooked up a dinner for him on his birthday earlier in March this year.

I do not expect anything at all from my mum. Nothing from her, i am thankful if she can take care of her own family well enough to not keep getting into dire financial situations. Every time she comes to me, i know she wants something from me.

Too many disappointing moments, i do not want to even try thinking back about the good memories about them when i was a really young child. I know that they are not perfect and i am not expecting them to do more for me. I grew up fighting for my own well being because no one will fight for me, except God.

But most of the time, i just feel like a child in the cold wilderness who do not know what it is like to be sheltered. God says come back home, but i do not know the way back either. So many tears, i see how harden my face has become. I do not want to be like this, i want to be happy. Although i do not know how to come back home, God walks out to me and comforts me and helps me in mysterious ways. But the amount of angst i feel, i feel like i cannot fully receive God’s love even if i really want to. I feel neglected.

God, You hear. I am hitting my limits. You call me to fight for the family. Fight for me. The exasperation is driving me insane.

 

 

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