Walk with God in this season of waiting

A walk with God is not a walk in a peaceful park with beautiful surroundings. That is called heaven and i will get to experience that after this life on earth.

More often than not, a walk with God is a walk of challenges of faith whereby my faith get tested almost all the time. I do fall, backslide, doubt and even get angry with God. It is not a pleasant journey. I get discouraged, sad and even fall into depression. Even unbelievers also experience all these emotions too. Sometimes i wonder what is different about my life actually that could actually show them that the God i serve is real and not a super forced human attempt by me. Because it was never in my control in the first place.

I do wish that i can read and hear more accounts of Christians who struggle in their faith because i know that i am not alone in what i am feeling and thinking. I am still really selfish in my thoughts and actions towards certain parts of my life because of my pride and hurts which i refuse to surrender to God. I rather stick with the status quo which i know will be more harmful in the long run rather than obeying God and allowing Him into those areas to do the new work.

I wonder how God love me and still want me even though i persistently choose to go the wrong way. How do i know God loves me other than reading the Bible and being thankful for His work in my life? His presence. His peace that is beyond all human understanding that always comes to me whenever i make a half-hearted effort to talk to Him. My heart is always on the verge of hardening whenever i encounter or think of bad situations, but it just softens naturally whenever i turn to God. His unfailing love and kindness towards me never ceases. All He wants is for me to be still and just trust in Him that He will answer my requests in His timing. However i still struggle in being still because i do not know what i will be like when i finally face up to the fact that i am actually feeling really wretched and lonely deep inside although i am thankful for the loving people and blessings He has given to me.

God loves me for who i am because of what He has done and not what i have done or did not done. However in this season of waiting, i get bothered by the other voices, i feel that i am not doing enough, i feel inadequate and useless at times. I know God loves me, but can people love me when i am totally useless to them? Actually can God love me even when i am totally useless to Him? My head has all the right answers but my heart is still not assured yet.

Feelings come and go, there are times when i really feel like i am unconditionally loved, there are times when i feel wretched. However i know that even if i fail, God does not. I just want to say thank you Lord for loving the wretched me. You know me intimately, you see my flaws and you still love me the same just as you see me in my best form. You look out for me, protecting me from danger and providing for my needs even though i am such a ungrateful person at times. You give me wisdom and discernment in dealing with people and situations. Although i may not hear you verbally, but You show your love to me in multiple ways through people, situations, promptings of my heart and even through the stars at night as i see them through my room window when i am lying on the bed. You know the significance i attached to the stars, i view them as your signs of love and faithfulness to me in darkness. The light pollution is too high in SG that i can barely see any so being able to see one star is good enough to lighten my heart.

You know how much i love You but how often my love has not been fully expressed because of my flawed self. I want to follow You. You know my heart, my prayer that You will always keep me close to you even in times when i want to run away and go down the wrong path. And indeed so far You are really answering this prayer, each time when i get so down, i just want to rest in Your love first more than anything else. Because only in You alone that my soul is fully satisfied. I do not need anything more or go anywhere else because my heart knows that You are the answer and the only answer. Purify my heart, Daddy God and help me to stand again in Your word. All I want is You, i do not want to think about the worries of this world and in my mind. I want my heart to fully experience and trust in Your unfailing love, not by my might but by your Spirit.





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