2016 

Hi! Been a really long while since I last posted. It is due to the fact that I started to keep a private journal offline. I do not want my thoughts to be scattered all over in different outlets. 

So why I am back here? Just to share some thoughts about the events that I encountered this year and trying to see a bigger perspective from all the things that I have been through. 

Summing up the past 9 months of 2016 in one word would be: Change. 

There were many ups and downs for me this year. The major up would be the fact that God has blessed me with a new group of Christian friends that I met only in my final semester of university. However my friendship with them is still going very strong. I am really happy to have met them because they are the type of godly friends that I have prayed to God many times before. They love God and they unconditionally support and love me too. The best gift I can give back to them would be unconditional love and support with God’s grace. I do still love my cell group too, still need to pray for God to strengthen the fellowship and love. I know that my priority will be cell group first always. I want to be greedy, want to have cell group and my new group of friends. 

Another major up is the fact that I graduated from university. Really thankful to God for it. I have kind of completed my education. Though I know that I will most probably pursue future studies, see where God leads. 

There are consistent ups in my life too like my family and friends. The fact that I am still living with a roof over my head and with food to eat is something that I will not take for granted. 

I knew that 2016 will be an uncertain year for me because I am graduating and I will have to find a job. 

God let me go through numerous trials this year to shape me and break my bad parts away from me. It is a painful process and it is still going on now. 

The refining of my character started in my final arts edge module in university earlier this year. I was leading the class to create a symposium from scratch. There was plenty of emotional energy being spent because I have to move out of my comfort zone to make a conscious effort to care for the people I’m leading for and to learn how to communicate tactfully when conflicts arises. A lot of the work being produced at the symposium is all done by my classmates, I am just helping to make sure that they do it by a certain timeframe. Which means that I cannot personally control a lot of things. This is where I faced my own weaknesses and I see my blind spot. I start to really surrender everything to God and the success of the symposium is really by God’s grace. 

Graduating is a happy thing for me but it is scary because I am stepping out into a different world. I know that I want to work in a career whereby I can make a positive difference in the lives of others. 

By God’s grace, I found a first job of that nature after about a month of Job searching. Never did I expect that I’m stepping into a fiery furnace. I was unprepared personally and professionally in the environment that I faced that I left after 3 weeks into the job. The environment was not giving me the support that I need to do well there. It is a painful decision for me to quit but I know that I’m not ready. I felt that I disappointed God in some sense because He graciously gave me that job although I lack the necessary qualifications to be in it. But I honestly felt so so much better after leaving, and I know that this is a sign that God is okay with me making that decision. 

I have decided to pursue a job in a different field now. It has been quite a rough road, went for a few interviews with no success. Deep down I’m still wondering if going back to this field is God’s will for me. I am determined to make God will the leading voice of my life. I know my heart is not exactly in this field. I’m only applying because I need a job. I will go back to my passion in the future 

I do not know where I should go honestly. My soul is weary and I need a new heart. I don’t know if I should try applying again in the field where my heart lies because I have been burnt by it. God is my healer, he will heal my wounds. I’m just feeling stuck in life now. I know I need to get a job. But more importantly I want to seek God’s will first. Everything looks foggy now, this is where I learn to walk by faith. 

I do not know where I will be when 2016 ends yet. But one thing is for sure, I will be closer to God more  because He is refining me in my trials and teaching me to learn to rest in Him and depend on Him.

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