Wait for the Lord

It has been 2 weeks since my grandfather passed away and went to Heaven. He left quickly and suddenly. But i am glad that he managed to sit with us for a reunion meal a day before and he left in peace. I am glad that i manage to say my final words to him at his side, telling him to trust in God and not to worry. He is a caring grandfather, always giving plenty of advice and secretly passing money to my sister and I to make sure we have enough money. Since young, i have always been seeing him every Sunday when i head over to his place for dinner. It is hard for me really, now that he is gone. But my grief is not to the point of inconsolable for i know i will see him in heaven someday.

From my previous blog posts back in the past till now, it seems that i have been living a challenging life, isn’t it? I feel mixed emotions at this. My life is not that hard actually. I have been given an education and my physical needs are all provided for. I am thankful to God for providing for all my needs. The biggest problem is always myself.

I want to get rid of the heaviness that has been with me due to all the emotional turmoils that i have been through in the past. I am an adult now, i told myself that i can start all over again afresh because i can choose how i want to respond. When i look back at the past, i can see God’s hand in many situations. But choosing how i want to respond is easier said than done when bad situations happen. I find myself reacting the same way as i did in the past. It seems like i am attached to certain behavior and thoughts of the past, that it subconsciously comes out when challenging situations comes. For after all, it is only in hard times that i know what i am still subconsciously attached to.

Currently i am having holidays till March. It is my last holidays before my last semester of University. I am cherishing it. I know that i have to get myself right, having the right priorities and taking care of myself well. Because if i do not take care of myself well, how am i supposed to help others in the future? I do not want my past subconsciously influence my future decisions. I do not want my past to ruin the purpose that God called me to. But i realized that the more inward reflection i do on myself, the more miserable i become, because i find more flaws in myself.

Surrendering to God is my biggest problem, my pride is in the way. I know in my head that my self-worth is from being God’s child and not by my own abilities. But my heart has not gotten it yet. I find that i still measure myself based on how i perform in various roles because when something goes wrong, my self-esteem is impacted negatively. God is telling me to stay still and give everything to Him but i still fight on foolishly because i do not want to lose control. God wants me to believe in Him that He will make all things right first and not wants me to believe in Him after i received it, for that is not faith. I know that change happens only when i let God take over my life. So my biggest struggle is in obeying God and letting Him take control.

I sound so foolish right? So many i know this, i know that but still struggling. All i have to do is to believe in God’s word literally and act like i have it because i know i will receive it in the future. For faith in God is not by sight but by believing that God is never changing and His Word never fails. It is not a matter of feeling, it is a matter of choice. Do i choose to give Him my today or do i not? God has come through for me so many times, so why am i struggling? I can’t honestly said that i let God take control of my life everyday, but i will try. For my relationship with God is no longer based on feelings but by faith. I am no longer a baby believer, needing God to comfort me every single time i feel down, i have to rise up and be a mature believer. I have seen God’s goodness, i have no excuse to turn away from God.

Psalm 27: 13-14

I am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

 

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