Subconscious tension

I did not really achieve the aims i set out for this month. I did not really did all the exercises in the book that i mentioned in my previous post. Instead i find myself being sort of going through a emotional upheaval myself not knowing exactly why. I just feel not myself and i let my emotions rule what i do.

I did not really talk to God either even though i know the best way is to let God take control. So i am subconsciously tense, because my dreams at night have been stressful. Actually i know what is causing me to feel this way, but i don’t want to dwell much on it. That is my struggles with being able to express my love freely towards the people i love (hurt) the most. I have so many thoughts in my head but i get paralyzed whenever i see them. I just automatically do my own normal stuff and feeling miserable inside for not doing, for not expressing. Have i love enough i wonder?

I know that i have build up an inner wall in my heart due to the past. I know that only God can help me set free from it. But i find myself going back into that prison so easily whenever i get weak because i am used to that familiarity. After all i am so used to keeping my emotions in that it becomes a way of living for me. But i know that it is not sustainable in the long run. I can’t keep going back to that way because i know it has a negative impact on me. I find myself having digestive problems, like finding food hard to swallow and my chest hurts.

I am not fully living freely. My thoughts are either going back to the past or endlessly thinking about the future. I want so badly to live in the present moment. This holiday i have been doing the things i want to do and i am happy but not that happy.

Just as i was typing this post, i received a negative info that my dad may want to resign because he has problems with his boss. I am told to be more conscious of what i should be doing, like being more prudent with money bla bla.

I am the eldest, i really dislike it sometimes. I have to be the strong one, i have to get my act together and be the responsible one. Nobody ever ask me how i really feel, what my worries are and what i hope or really want. I find myself automatically fulfilling that role that is why in friendships i automatically become the one that gives advice and encouragements to others. I am not being resentful. It is just i don’t like this aspect that because i am like this, i did not give myself space to be weak, that i don’t know how or where to receive encouragement when i needed it. I don’t know how to ask, the right way to ask.

So all this tension just keep on building up. I want to live freely, the kind of freedom that God has promised to me. That liberation. God says to me to be still. I am having struggles to be still. I feel like a child all over again, learning how to walk and take my first steps of what being God’s child means. I need to give up on my own ways and walk in faith knowing that it is safe and perfectly safe if i fall, because God is behind me. The first step is to communicate with Him and not keep it inside like i always do.


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