Aims for October

  
I have received the copy of the spiritual white space book and I am thinking of doing those exercises this month during my holidays. It is time that I explore issues that is important and make some closure from that. I would not say that I will get full healing from these exercises but I will be making a significant step to that destination with the grace of God. I am turning 21 at the end of the year, and stepping into adulthood would require me to decide things for myself and be independent. 

My last exam paper is on Monday. I thank God for helping me in my past two papers which I find manageable. I actually have tension headaches on both days of my two exam papers. I think I strain my eyes too much from reading the textbooks in the iPad mini. I thank God that the headaches were gone by the afternoon before the exams which were conducted at night. 

Last night I went for church prayer meeting. I think it’s the first time that I am going out of my own accord and not because I am on duty. I have always desire to go there every month but I always procrastinate or prioritise other stuff over it. I know God wants me to go. I love the atmosphere there, being able to feel God’s sweet presence and there are not many people so I feel more comfortable. 

The message that God wants for me is to be still. Be still and let God take over. Frankly that is my biggest struggle so far. I cannot do nothing. I am always doing something. Because whenever I am completely still, I feel vulnerable. I don’t know what to think or say. But I know that being still is vital finding rest in God. Not just physical rest but emotional and mental rest in Him. I don’t need to strive, I just need to trust. I got a glimpse of what it means when I was in the prayer meeting last night. The sense of soul satisfaction and unconditional love. It is so wonderful and liberating. 

I spent today studying, doing my stuff like usual. But I feel empty inside. Because I need to be refreshed deep within. I know part of the reason is not having deep conversations with people for a long while. I need that human touch. Finding rest in God is one major aspect. But connecting meaningfully to others is also an important aspect. 

I am still bad at asking people for help when it comes to issues like these. Emotional issues. I don’t know how to even ask. I want people to care and ask for my welfare. I do have friends who truly cares for me and ask how I have been. But I want something deeper than that. I want people to ask me on how I feel deep down within on certain issues and give me space to express my thoughts and feelings. It is so weird to ask people to ask myself. I don’t even know how to even pop that question. I just want people who believes in me and brings out the best in me. I am praying to God for a mentor also, cos I need guidance and I know that friends may not be able to answer all my questions due to lack of experiences. 

I feel lonely at times. I crave for that meaningful connection and concern. I realised that i won’t usually open up about my problems unless I am asked to or I think the person will be okay with listening to it. Usually when I am with a friend, I will be more focused on the matters of the friend rather than myself. I know if I need more support, I need to be more proactive in asking for it. It may seems weird but so far that is the only idea I have. 

I just need more courage, less pride and more trust. May this month be a fruitful month for personal growth. 

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