Spiritual whitespace

“Let go of what holds you and let God hold you”


I came across this book by Bonnie Gray last week in library and i borrowed it out of curiosity. I did not expect that i will be taking almost a week to read finish this book. This book is about more than just reading about ways to get proper rest but it also involves healing from one’s past. It involves looking back into the past to make peace with it, to accept one’s brokenness and letting God come in to heal and love the broken parts of myself that i don’t want to see. In this book, the author shares candidly about her struggles in life as she suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms in her late thirties due to her bad childhood that she suppressed within.

Even though her stories are different from mine, but i can relate to the strategies that she used to force herself to get over her feelings of abandonment and of not being loved as she grew up. She became more driven and logical to want to grow up successful and happy. She did not like seeing her broken self, so she suppressed her feelings and concentrated her energy to become more successful instead. She did do well as an adult but whatever that is kept suppressed will never go away unless she faces it bravely. This book recounts how she break and how she slowly let God into her broken places, letting herself meet the wounded self.

At the end of her candid sharing in every chapter, there is an application to be done. Examples includes writing a letter to God and imagining how God would talk to you in a specific area. Majority of the applications are on exploring the deepest broken areas of the self and letting God come in to do the healing. There are also strategies on making time for soul rest.

Frankly right now is not a good time for me to be doing all these stuff because it involves a lot of emotional energy and i am in the midst of rushing to complete my assignments. But i did think about all those questions and it is not easy. I realized that i have been avoiding the broken parts of myself instead of just accepting it as part of me, as part of God’s story. I am more concerned on becoming better and trying to conceal those parts, i suppressed it. But deep down i know that it is never over. I thought that praying to God and releasing it all to Him would solve everything but i realized that if i do not face up to it, i will never get over it.

I realized that i do not give myself time and space for my broken self and i think i never talk about it before to anybody. I have this mistaken belief that focusing on myself too much may lead to self pity. But this is different from self pity. Yes i have been broken before in some places but what keeps me going is God’s unconditional love towards me. I need to start reviewing my beliefs, i need to have a new perspective of what rest and trusting God means. Because i realized that i have been seeing it in a partly wrong way all along.

I thank God for managing to read this book. i got this book from a christian section. God told me before to stop going to read more self help books and stuffing myself with more knowledge because it is not getting me anywhere but i still do it out of habit whenever i visit the library. This book is unlike typical self help books where it says you must be better, can be better and all those lines. This book is saying, stop striving so hard, accept yourself, love yourself, allow yourself to heal and let God come in.

Most probably i will start doing those application questions during the holidays, i am planning to purchase this book because it is a timeless book and it is hard to find this kind of books nowadays.


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