Suppressed feelings

I know that there are suppressed feelings within me and it always surfaces whenever something hit close to home. I know i always suppress it even more whenever it comes because i am not quite sure what to do with it. I will end up building walls around myself subconsciously again because i am not used to feeling so vulnerable.

These suppressed feelings that i have are mainly feelings of anger, insecurity and anxiousness. A part of me wants to kill myself, a part of me wants to live. I feel suffocated and restless and i just want to attempt something crazy. I know that all of these feelings are not wise to be acted upon and so i always try to suppress it by engaging myself in another activity.

Of course i know that i have to surrender it all to God. But i am still so stubborn. I will still try to control it myself out of habit even though i pray. Surrendering is a conscious decision. It is a decision that i will consciously decide what can come in to my thoughts and what does not. It takes discipline. Telling God that i give him everything is one step, but i have to carry it out in action by consciously disciplining my thoughts and feelings. It is not easy especially in moments when i am really tired and i just end up having stupid thoughts and doing stupid stuff.

God’s promises are all there for me in the bible, i can claim it. I have to stop being so idle and give up when those feelings come. I really hate my pride sometimes. Sometimes i just wish there can be something that breaks me completely so that i can be healed and start anew. And the first step comes from letting God take control.

My love towards God is bigger than me loving myself, i will not give up.

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