Struggles in loving my family in action

My biggest struggle for many years is in loving my family with actions. I love them but i suck at showing them. I do nothing to show that i love them in action. Because there is an ongoing battle within myself. It is so hard to show love to the people whom i love and also been hurt by the most because of the vulnerability. My aunt brought this issue up today when i was having dinner with her. She wants me to do more in action, saying that my dad is now about to burn out and i can do better.

I can love my friends and really live it out in action. I can do it for people outside but yet i can’t do it for my family. Do you know how that feels? It is not that i do not want to love, but i am struggling. Part of me wants to love freely, part of me is afraid and another part of me is angry. The part of me that is afraid is like this because i do not want to get rejected, even though i know i should not depend on feelings much to carry out my actions. I am still like a kid at heart, i am afraid of the disapproval or criticism which i have been constantly exposed to in the volatile environment that i grow up in.  The part of me that is angry is angry because i have thoughts of, ‘Why should i show the love in that way when i am not given that in the first place?’ They did not provide me the love that i so needed and now that i am turning into a adult, i suddenly have the responsibility to show that to them? It is like giving something that i do not have in the first place. I feel bitter.

Self-centered thoughts right? I know i can do better but my pride is in the way every time. I have forgiven them already, but i am still struggling with that anger subconsciously. That explains my inaction. I just do nothing constructive to show my love except in words during special occasions.

I feel like a failure. I want to love but i don’t do it because i cannot get past myself. Time to time i will have extreme thoughts like: What happens if they die in an accident or what one day? How do i live with that? It is like telling myself that time is short and i should make the best of what i have but it is all stuck in my head. Worrying over nothing.

God wants me to surrender all to Him and just live out loving freely. I am doing better in other areas in letting Him take control. But i find it so hard to give Him this, i feel that i am losing control. I know that it is way better to let Him take control. The problem with me is that i know what to do but yet i do not do it. The pride issue, the vulnerability issue.

I thought i did better actually. Which is sort of true because i still grow up well and did not turn crazy despite the adversities i faced. And i know that God is holding me well when i was undergoing bad times because i cannot find any other reason as to why i still make it out fine. The strength that i have in those moments is definitely not my own but God silently carrying me through in the background. That is why i really believe in His existence and that He is a loving God.

It is a struggle between my pride and my surrender to God. But i love God more than my pride and i will try. I won’t give up so easily. In doing this, i will ask God to give me strength because there is no way i can do this on my own. God has always been sustaining and giving me strength from the past and i know He won’t fail me although i failed Him so many times. Sometimes the fact that God’s love is unconditional, that He loves still despite the person’s weaknesses and past just blows my mind. It is hard for me to really process it in its entirety. What i learn is that i do not have to understand God’s thoughts for every single matter, all i have to do is just trust Him. This will be a lesson that i will keep learning as life continues to flow unpredictably.

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