Thoughts like always

I can’t wait for this week to end. Because this will mean the end of all my assignments and i can rest a bit before preparing for exams.

When this trimester ends, i would have completed half of the lap of my degree with one more year to go.

To be honest, i am not really that excited at the prospect of graduating. For this would mean i would have to enter the working world. And i would enter business because my bachelor of arts (psychology) degree could not help much in the social services field. I still need to get a Masters of counselling degree to be qualified as a counselor. So my intention is to work and save up money for a few years before continuing my studies or work and study part time.

I have full assurance that God will take care and meet my needs. I believe that God has called me to be in a position to encourage others. Although i can’t really predict the future but i know that this is my calling. I feel really happy when i see that people are lifted up in spirits due to encouragement. That kind of happiness is like how a professional runner feels when he is running because he knows that this is meant for him. That is how i really felt. I cannot imagine being anywhere else although i can if i want to but i know that i will never be completely satisfied.

There are still times when i will still question myself whether i can be a counselor. I see my weakness all too clearly. Even though i know that my strengths and weaknesses falls on the same line, i still doubt myself.

Firstly i am an introvert. Although nowadays i am an ambivert but my main source of energy comes from spending time alone, reading books and doing my own stuff.  I get drained if i am hanging out with people for too long. So i realized that if i become a counselor, i have to be really disciplined. I have to plan my own rest breaks if not i will burnout. I tend to get burn out easily.

Secondly, I am either too logical or too sensitive. (Sounds crazy right?) I don’t think i am able to empathize with people who are refusing to help themselves especially when help has been offered but yet they are stuck in self-pity. I feel like taking something to knock them off from self pity. Self pity in general is a trap. But i have a really soft spot for people who are hurting deep inside but they have to be strong due to their circumstances. I might end up helping beyond what i could. I think this two points that i mentioned are directly in contrast to each other haha.

Thirdly, I might end up linking all my problems to the problems of people whom i counseled especially if their problems are similar to mine. I am not sure if i can draw the line between personal and professional boundaries. Not mature enough and the list goes on.

I know that i should focus on my current responsibility as a student. All things will work out fine as God is in control. But these thoughts will still surface up time to time for its normal that i think of it.

But i guess this is why the future can be so exciting even though it is uncertain because i can’t predict it. Who knows where i will be in 5 years time except God? I only hope and want to become better every year.

I am turning 21 this year. Although i am still young, i feel really old. Especially when i look at my younger siblings whom i have more than 13 years age difference. I feel like taking care of them and protect them or rather my whole family as i am the eldest. Sometimes subconsciously i will tend to think of thoughts on how to take care of them just like how a parent will think even though it is not my responsibility. But i cannot do many things yet so the best thing now is to be a good older sister and turn everything else to God.

I have a Type A personality although i tend to believe that i am in between Type A and B and see myself as more relaxed. So i tend to really over-think on a lot of things because i always plan in advance and worry in advance also. I have to get everything done before i can sleep peacefully.

That is why i really have to start being more disciplined and plan my rest breaks. Because i will tend to not rest at all if i have things to be done. And being an introvert also means that my energy is limited. I will get burn out easily.

So another main priority for me at this age is to learn to discipline my life well. That i have enough rest to be able to do things well and contribute positively. So that i am better equipped to be a counselor when the time comes.

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