Grace

Two weeks ago, i finally break.

I knew that one day it would happen. With the way i am living, there is no way i could have live like this forever. It was the buildup of many small problems that i kept to myself. The worst thing at that point of time for me was knowing that i don’t have any social support. I could not think of anyone to turn to when i am down even though i have many friends. Because every time when i am down, i will only turn to God and not ask for help from anybody else. I am not used to asking for help. I always manage to get myself back on my feet after a few days or even a few hours. But not this time.

So i finally break. I felt so miserable knowing that i am alone because my own ways of solving problems has brought me loneliness. In friendships, i have always been giving advice and support but i don’t get it back because i am often more interested in knowing more about the other person than letting the person know me. I wondered who really understands me well.

I lashed out on social media. Something that i will never do and avoid to because i don’t like acting selfish and hurting others. But i did it anyway. I got to the point where i don’t care anymore. I want people to know how i really felt. I want to see who is there for me.  I have enough of keeping everything inside.

I am thankful for people who responded with care and concern. Friends who texted me and even some who make time out for me to meet.

As usual, i will always look for christian books to borrow to encourage myself privately. I borrowed three books from the library. Two books from Timothy Keller with one on God on pain and suffering and the other on counterfeit Gods. The other book was Misfits welcome by Matthew Barnett. Never did i expect that these three books are really apt for my situation.

Misfits Welcome by Matthew Barnett encouraged me to continue to be myself and do things to help others the way i can because God has a purpose for the trials that i am facing.

Timothy Keller’s book on God and pain and suffering broadened my perspective. Suffering comes because of the imperfect sinful world that we are living in. It is not a punishment. More importantly, suffering helps a person to become stronger and strengthens our faith in God. God wants us to trust in Him solely to the point whereby we don’t need all the answers to our questions, but knowing that He will turn it into good at the end and make things right for us.

Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller make me self aware of why i break even though i have faith in God. Even though i believed God and trust Him but i still trust myself more. I always want to be in control of my circumstances and i have been basing my self worth on what i produced and not secure in the fact that i am a child of God. God wants me to let go and trust Him. I am slowly learning to let go.

Even though it seems like i fell really badly. But the social support and God’s unconditional love is helping me to start again. I am learning how to ask for help from people when i need it. I am learning how to let go and let God be God.

The most important lesson that i learnt is that God still loves me no matter what condition i am in. God does not love me more because i am perfect or any less because i am ugly. His love never changes. This is grace, something that i don’t deserve but yet i get it.

I have to start loving myself more, being kinder to myself. And of course giving others the benefit of the doubt. I have to learn how to put down my walls and let people in to help me.

The devil wants to destroy me through using fear to keep everything to myself and not share with others. But God has turned the situation around instead for my good by letting me break and receiving the help and love that i so desperately needed.

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