Depressed mode on

I am just weak.

I am just tired.

I tried to encourage myself that no matter how bad things are, God is in control and He loves me.

But my faith is shaken because as much as i rationalize to myself and think things from a bigger perspective, i just can’t feel the tangible aspects of it.

I need love and concern. I need to see it for real. I do not want to convince myself when i am not actually feeling it.

I can’t feel much of it at home. I thought i still can make through with it.

But when bad things happen all at once, i realized that it is not true.

My skin condition recently acted up pretty badly again. The amount of new scars on my arms and legs seem to undo all the past efforts i have done to make sure my skin recovers well. I don’t need perfect skin, i need normal skin. My nights are spent trying to control myself to not scratch and fighting off mosquitoes ( i have no idea there is so many of them at night) I feel disappointed with myself. I feel like covering myself up totally so that i won’t get judged for it.

I know that my grandparents will say me again when they see my scars. I know they do it out of love and concern but the way they remarked is like saying that i do not know how to take care of myself. They try to reason out from their perspective with remarks such as my room must be dirty or whatsoever. When the real reasons are simply because my skin is sensitive and the damn mosquitoes are back to torture me. I just feel so lousy, like i can’t even properly maintain my skin.

I don’t feel much love from home either. All of us have settled into one home but separate lives routine. I know change starts with oneself first. And it has been burdening me since i started reading self help books from secondary school in an attempt to improve myself. I tried but there is only little successes because i lose faith easily and every time there is a conflict, my efforts just all seem to disappear. I feel guilty because i know what to do (or maybe i don’t really know) but i am not making much effort at all. It is like the plans are all in my head but i did not carry them out because i feel incapable.

How to give tangible love when i don’t even have much of it in the first place? My thoughts are just so affected easily because my primary love language is words. I need encouragement. My pride also gets in the way too. I find it hard to tell people i need help and i am sorry.

So many personal issues to battle and i am getting really tired. I trust in God but i guess i don’t trust Him well enough.

To sum it all up, i just cannot forgive and love myself. The problem is me. I am lacking in so many areas. And that is why it is the hardest battle to win.  I really wish i have the type of optimism that inspires myself and others but i cannot have it when i don’t even have the source in the first place.


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