Staying with God even when the going gets tough

I am bad at handling the pressures of conflict even though i will not hesitate to enter into one if necessary or just being immature.

This time i was not involved but i still felt very much involved because of the parties involved.

The conflict was really quite destructive and i was really discouraged by it. I was afraid that the conflict will tear the foundation up and become impossible to repair. In the midst of listening to that conflict while i was on my own bed, my heart was racing and my hands were turning cold. This is what usually happens to me when i cannot take the pressure. Just feel like suffocating. It is not the first time i encounter conflicts but it does not mean i will get used to it. Each time it happens, i just suffer all over again.

I know that its not that bad because God is in control. But still when it happens, i will get frustrated and ask God why does it always have to happen. To me it felt like the efforts i had put in to strengthen the foundation is all gone in that conflict. I went into self pity and misery for the next two days after that because i feel like giving up. I am tired from all of this. I purposely did that even though i know that it is not doing any good to me and God will be unhappy with all these actions.

But i realize that there is a reason why God wants me to turn to Him for everything even if i am upset, because whatever actions that i do without God in it will harm myself instead. Trying to stay strong without God is futile because there is no way i can come out better on my own strength.

I always tend to go into self inflicted misery for the first few days after something bad happens before i turn back to God. Sounds really foolish but i always want to sort of punish myself because i feel guilty. But i realize that God does not want me to do that to myself anymore. Not saying that i should not feel guilty but rather surrendering everything to God and asking for God’s grace and strength to make a better and correct choice in the future.

God does not want people to feel guilty forever, He wants people who are willing to change for the better and pick themselves up after each fall. For He knows we are imperfect and being stuck in guilt is going to harm ourselves more instead. So i am going to learn how to depend on Him immediately every time something bad happens and not wallow in self misery.

Sorry God for not trusting you enough and doing foolish things. Help me to recognize what You want me to do and give me strength to pick myself up. Thank you God for not giving up on me and forsaking me even when i want to give up on myself.

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