Effort

There are times when my mood is up and more times when i am feeling down or neutral. Indeed it is a daily effort to walk with God, to remind myself of His love and promises and to be the best that i could be because of that.

But this is not an automatic effort for me. I still will get really depressed and let myself just go on a self pity party. These moments come at night especially when all those past events just flood into my head and i wonder to myself if i ever will be good enough.

My dreams has been sort of subconsciously reflecting my emotions back to me where in a dream i mix up everything that i see and i become really confused. When i wake up, i do not feel that i gain any energy from sleeping. During the day, i will be restlessly trying to accomplish work so that i don’t feel like i wasted my time. Well i am not satisfied or happy no matter how much i try because i am running away from God who is the main source of strength and comfort.

Why would i keep running away? Simply because i feel that i don’t feel worthy enough although i know that there are many verses that speaks about God’s unconditional love and grace. It is easier to run perhaps. But i know that it is not going to end up well for me eventually.

Turning back to God needs more effort because i do not want to misuse His unconditional love and grace.

Sorry God for doing this foolish thing time to time again. I always feel really miserable after that and i do not dare to turn back to You. I know that You are a loving God and You will forgive me. I just need more confidence and strength from You to win over the battles that i am facing. No matter how much i screwed up or will screw up again, I will always try to stand up on both feet together with You in the hope that i will eventually win all these battles one day. Sorry God, thank you God and I love You.

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