The Joy of the Lord is my strength

I have always want to be a joyful person deep down inside since many years ago. 

Due to the challenging circumstances that i have encountered when growing up, i was a uptight person who do not show much emotions to others because i was insecure and afraid. I do not really express much emotions at home because i am afraid of backlash and it is the major source of my hurts. 

I am at my best self when i am with friends. I can freely express my love and concern for them because i have the freedom to decide how i want to act without getting so much backlash. But i tend to subconsciously placed unrealistic expectations on them like i show them lots of appreciation through words of affirmation and i hope to receive it myself back in return but i do not really tell them that i want it. I know it is my own expectation that causes my own disappointment and i do not harbor resentment against any of my friends. This expectation came about because i was hoping to get some love since i cannot get much from home. 

But in the midst of trying to find sources of love, i neglected the primary source of all. And that is the love of God. I know that God loves me but i think of it as a knowledge more than really experiencing it. I do feel His love when i attend church but because i didn’t focus on Him, i was not able to experience the richness of His unconditional love. 

Although i neglected God, He did not throw me away. Instead He silently brings strength and comfort to me the most especially in challenging circumstances. I used to wonder sometimes how i even got through this circumstance and became stronger instead of becoming weaker. The only answer is the love and grace of God. I could not get through it alone. I became a better person through being able to see the bigger perspectives of situations and i know what things truly matters. I have become more relaxed in that i do not run after every single thing but to live life at my own pace. 

In this way, God is helping me to become a joyful person, to be able to see the sliver lining in every bad situation and to be thankful for what i currently have. Just today when i causally asked my university friends to describe me, they mentioned that i am outgoing, happy and a insightful person. Their impressions of me were based on my interactions with them in university. They have not read this blog so they did not know what i have went through recently. I am quite glad actually because my interactions with them are genuine. I did not put up a happy mask to hide myself, i was primarily more interested in fostering better friendships with them. 

I am glad that i am on my way to be a joyful person. I want to be joyful and thankful no matter what circumstances i am in and my source of Joy primarily comes from God. He has given me strength to face my circumstances and He is the reason why i live. The joy of the Lord is my strength!


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