Still struggling

There are some struggles that i am facing for many years up till now. And all these struggles are not going to be gone overnight. I know that some things take time and this specific struggle is going to take time.

I feel like a failure every time when Mothers’ Day or Father’s Day come around. Because i am not close to any of my parents and i have been unable to show much affection to them because i am having my own inner problems. It is not like i do not love them but rather i have closed off myself too long till the point where i find it extremely difficult to show my affection to them. My heart is brimming with love but i just cannot bring it up to the surface. Maybe part of the reason is also due to my past conflicts with them that till now had left some marks on me.

Going to church every year and then hearing the message for Mother’s Day and seeing the mums in church being honored and seeing the children being able to openly show their affection without any hindrance makes me feel terribly upset with myself.  When people ask or discuss their plans on how they plan to celebrate for their own mothers and here i am, just sending a simple text message wishing because i do not know what else i could do.

I do not know what my mum really wants because i have not lived with her for the past 10 years and we have not been that close as i am growing up since then. This year for her birthday, i asked her what she want and gave her my budget because i am not working yet, but in the end she asked me to give her money so she could get a branded perfume for herself. It makes me feel like i am being used instead of being the giver and giving it out of sincerity. I really want to give out of sincerity but the situation turns out to be rather wrong instead.

Towards my stepmom, i feel even more guilty and have more feelings because we lived together for the past 10 years. But we are not close also because of the past conflicts and our hearts are kind of bitter towards each other. On my part i have been trying to do better, to be better but from time to time whenever i see her bitter attitude, i feel discouraged instead. It has always been my greatest wish that we can be close one day and i have always been praying to God about this.

Yes i may look like i am being cold and indifferent by not showing any physical affection towards my parents, but deep down inside i really do not want it to be like this. I am struggling.

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