Crippled

Do you ever had this feeling where you missed an opportunity in the past because your own walls were too high that you could not open up at that time and now when you have finally break through the barrier, the opportunity is gone and the door is closed.

And when you look at the situation now, all you could do is to silently accept your fate and not complain, while your head is buzzing with all the what ifs and should have been.

The closer something is to my heart, i find it even harder to open up and verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I feel crippled sometimes because i had successfully manage to keep my thoughts deep into myself that it is hard to bring it out. So i am seen as cold and distant to most people, like i am too logical and i don’t have much facial expressions. Being introvert plays a part too, if i am staying too long outside than i expected to, my face will just become emotionless because i am tired. I am justifying myself and i know that no matter how good the reason is, once the door is closed, it is closed.

I just feel useless sometimes. Like i got all these dreams that i want to reach but yet my actions are not getting me there. Its like i got battles that i have to overcome it myself before i can even start making steps to reach those dreams. It is not easy but i have to be patient with myself.

I am glad that i know that i am an INFJ at least. Because i always find myself not being able to fully fit in anywhere and i can be contradictory at times.  I know myself fully but i cannot control how other people might perceive me as. People always get me wrong on my first impressions, i am not kidding and i know it is because i am too private which people misinterpret as aloof. I have given up on trying to make people change their views on me. Now i am focusing on myself, on what i can improve on myself and not on how others think of me.

It is just that every time i see that situation, i just sigh and start thinking of all the whats if again although i know they do not care. Every time i see that, i always question what is wrong with myself. Oh well.

 

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