Redefining

Redefining my goals of what it is meant to be happy and successful.

I have always held on to this belief that being successful is seeing my loved ones happy together and being able to do what I want. And also to help others achieve their dreams.

So I push for perfection. I hate conflicts, and get hurt easily when i receive nasty words from my loved ones. My self esteem is based on how they think of me and also how I have treated them well.

But I’m tired emotionally. It’s like I’m trying and trying but I’m not getting anywhere. I ask God countless times how long must this go on before success can be achieved.

I get hurt at home. I don’t dare to open up in church, anyway those people there also wouldn’t want to talk to me because i am so quiet. In school I play a lot to relax myself.

I thought that real happiness is in seeing your loved ones happy and no matter how much the sacrifice, I don’t mind. But I’m not that awesome either. I got my weakness too.

But I realise that no matter how much I tried, the most unhappy person is myself because I don’t see the desired results.

I have decided from now on I make myself happy first. Then I try to make others happy. How to help others when I can’t even be happy about myself? I won’t push for perfection anymore. Let the river flow, if its meant to be, it will be. I will still help people and love them in the best way that I could. But nope I will focus on myself first.

Turning 20 this year, I cannot keep being naively idealistic about everything, especially people. I have always silently wish that maybe I could be an inspiration to others if I am able to get my family to be bonded and loving. Like I can encourage those in the future who are facing a similar situation to mine. But I can’t control everything.

But I will view this from a different perspective, that even if my family is unable to be bonded in the end. I will still encourage others because I know how they feel and I can impart whatever I know to them.

No longer striving for perfection anymore.

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