Thankful

A few more hours and 2014 will begin.

Everybody is busy thinking back on what they have done in 2013 and reflecting. And if i were to reflect, i am thankful for the people in my life who have make it worthwhile. I wouldn’t remember what are the exact things that have happened in this year but i do remember the feelings that i got from those moments. Every interaction with a person that has left me with life or with emptiness.

I wanna thank my family first of all. Because no matter how dysfunctional we may be, we are still together by God’s grace. I have learnt lots of practical stuff which some of them are not possible to learn unless well you are in a dysfunctional family too. Yes the word dysfunctional sounds bad, but there are some good things i learnt from it. And i am still learning, (although i hate it sometimes), still trying, hoping, trying to be more loving to my family members even though i am an asshole myself.

I wanna thank my friends. To those who know me beyond that hard defensive surface of me. To those who know me better and know my strengths and weakness. To those who can stand my annoying side and still love me for who i am. Thank you. I know i am being an emotional freak sometimes and i tend to be too stubborn on certain matters. I received your love and because of that, i am learning how to love others too in a more caring way. You guys brought me laughter and light hearted moments and bring out the less serious side of me too.

I wanna thank difficult people who have brought me challenges. I am able to move up one level higher after every difficulty i faced and in the process i have seen who i really am in times of crisis. And through challenges, i know who are the right people i want to keep and care for.

I want to thank God for being with me throughout everything. You have seen all the sides of me, the good side and the bad side. There are so many times when i wanna quit because i feel that i am not worthy to face You but yet You still send people to care for me. I wonder how You can still love me despite all this. Sometimes i think i am losing control of myself but yet i still stayed strong. And those strength are definitely not something i imagined upon myself but its You holding me when i do not know it. I dont dare to give you any promises but i will try my best to be better for Your sake.

When i think back on all these moments on how people have cared for me, all i can do is simply be thankful and give back my love too. And i realized life is not that bad after all.

I have to make a deliberate effort to stop indulging in bad thoughts. Thoughts on how worthless i am, how i should be better off dead, are thoughts that i have been battling every night for years. It became a habit and i find it normal to think about it. I don’t find it dangerous because i know that i will not do anything harmful to myself at all, i am too clear minded on that. But it has definitely impacted on how i view myself. And i find myself becoming more physically weak. When my skin condition acts up, it just reinforces that negative belief towards myself. I am my own worst critic, and i really looked worse after that.

I guess the only way to solve this would be to find a new activity that i find it meaningful and enjoyable. That i wouldn’t think i am wasting my hours away, that i will find myself useful.

Anyway 2013 is almost over.

May 2014 be a better year!

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