Walls

Driven by motivation and Driven by personal dysfunction are two very different things.

Driven by motivation is positive and then when failure occurs, the person is able to pick himself up and continue to pursue the goal with a optimistic outlook.

Driven by personal dysfunction is more complicated. It stems from challenging or bad circumstances that the person have encountered to have the motivation to ensure that the same thing does not happen again. If failure occurs, the person may not be able to deal with it really well. Subconsciously the person will do anything to prevent failure.

I am driven by both. I have personal dysfunctions that i still am struggling with and i have somehow built up an invisible wall around myself that nobody can penetrate. Everybody have some form of personal dysfunction in some ways and it is vulnerable to speak about it because it reveals the most vulnerable aspect of the person. Some people live their entire lives driven by their personal dysfunctions and they may not even know it themselves. The only way to overcome that is to acknowledge it, find out the main reason and make efforts to forgive and move on.

For myself i realized i am quite obsessed with being in control. Not control of other people lives but in my own life. An extreme case would be i rather take the stairs then take the lift to get to my destination in school even if the lift is available. I would rather get lost then depending on the phone for directions sometimes. I just cannot fully rely on another person or gadget without having some efforts made on my own part. And i know the main reason behind all these small yet irritable actions is because of my unstable family background and the people moving in and out of my life within a few short years. Insecurity with the knowledge that anything or anyone can just move out of my life makes me want to have control over my own life in anything big or small.

The problem with me is that i know what the problem is, why the problem occurred but somehow not being able to dare to confront  and solve the issue myself. I helped people with their problems, encourage them but when it comes to mine, i just push it away to the back of my mind. I know why i am always alone in times of problem, because i do not open up to people. But then it is not something that i can readily share too. I know that i definitely need people to support me to face these issues but i don’t have anybody who can keep me in check.

So you see the problem is me, its with this damn fact that i know i know but yet i don’t do anything to solve it. Years of keeping many problems to myself has made me mute, incapable and unable to open up to people.

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