Vent

This post is gonna be about me venting about my skin condition. It’s gonna be negative.

I’m just too frustrated and impatient with myself. I got eczema. It’s a condition I had since young and I was diagnosed with it last year. 
Why so long? Well when I was young, the naive me thought that it was the Mosquitos who love me too much that why I keep getting marks on my skin. And I just scratch it whenever it itches, I didn’t care that there would be scars because I wasn’t so concerned with the concept of beauty at that age. 
2 years ago, my skin condition suddenly worsen, the insides of my elbows and knees developed severe rashes. I tried to use normal cream to solve it but it wouldn’t go away. So I decided to consult a doctor at the clinic and then subsequently from there I slowly moved on to polyclinic and then to hospital for treatment. 
It’s frustrating for me both physically and emotionally. I will wake up at odd hours in the night because of the itchiness. I took anti itch pills (non drowsy) to help but it seems like my subconscious willpower to scratch is even more powerful to overcome the anti itch pills effect. There is the drowsy anti itch pills that I have but I refused to take because its really so drowsy. My mind will only wake up at noon of the next day and also I don’t want to rely on pills too much. 
I do buy creams to help remove the scars by lightening it. I definitely feel self conscious at times when I’m out in the public wearing shorts or short sleeve shirts because of the scars on my arms and legs. I don’t want to hide them mainly because I want to face my condition bravely and I need to let my skin have some air. Yes I know i will be judged somehow and I always just know it when it happens. But no I am not gonna let others dictate how I should wear or cover myself just because of that.
The medicine in treating the eczema is good but they leave marks on my skin after that. It takes weeks for the marks to be gone through my daily routine of applying the cream. So can you imagine the frustration I felt when the marks finally disappear and the eczema appears again. There are many triggers to how eczema may come back again and it is not within my control. Eczema cannot be cured, it can only be controlled. 
So what if I’m skinny or have a nice figure? The scars just ruin it all. I really want a normal skin. I think it is a blessing to have normal skin already. I’m the only one in my family to have eczema. 
I’m just impatient with my skin progress. So tiring day by day having to kind of fight a battle internally with your skin.  
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