Sometimes

I always mentally torture myself sometimes.

When i accidentally hurt people that i loved, when there are conflicts. This is my weak spot. I am not good at going through conflicts. While the others are going through life normally and treat it as a area to come back to it later, the problem instead lingers over my entire mind. Although i know that it is not a big deal actually, but the thought haunts me and i seek for closure immediately. I rather i fight it out ‘disastrously’ than having a cold war. 
Today my aunt and cousins from Germany came over to visit my house. They are staying in Singapore for a month. My aunt asked how did i become so skinny. I replied saying that i have no idea because i eat three proper meals a day. But when i think more deeply about it, i know that the underlying cause of it is stress. Stress especially when dealing with people.
I will keep thinking and thinking of all the whats if. I want to approach the other party but i am afraid of backlash. And the cycle repeats till the conflict is solved. Sometimes i even feel like dying because of the mental torture. I try to release it to God. But to me, if i cant take action myself, it is also useless. 
So if there is such a thing from dying from overthinking, yes i am a potential candidate.
Definitely the conflicts are actually not as bad as what i imagined it to be. It is just my own inner demon that i have to fight with within myself. It is terrible because i will be super lethargic, hands and feet will turn cold and i don’t feel like talking at all. 
Why am i being so honest here? Of course people who hates me and read this post may use it to their own advantage. But even if they do, they won’t necessarily gain. Because i have decided to face it and fight it. By putting this post up here openly, i am going to overcome this. 
In the past i used to tell myself that it is normal, after all part of my nature is that i analyse things too much and yup this comes along with it. But no, its killing me emotionally. Of course not many people know that i am facing this. 
To help others, i must help myself first.
 
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