Unfeeling

Looks like i always come here whenever i am feeling down or insecure. If people were to view all my posts and not know me personally, they might think that i am some emotional insecure person who might just do foolish things anytime.

Yes i am back again, with another depressing post.

Why is it that we record our sad moments but not our happy ones? I find happiness to be just relative, that its just temporary. I am too numb to feel too happy and feel too sad either. And i am barely 19.
When i was in secondary school, i observed that adults are too cynical and i told myself i will not be like them. But i am turning into one.

My mum is going to give birth soon and she has been in hospital for the past week. Till now i have not visited her because i was busy. Yup it sounded so much like an excuse. I was tired that i did not even think about visiting her. But i agreed to accompany her to her appointments this week. And so last night, she became emotional again and ranted at my sister and i for not visiting her, not caring about her and we are heartless people. She expect us to take the initiative to visit her even before she asks us to. I argued with her quite a bit and then i just stop replying.

Thinking back, she was not that wrong. Why didn’t the thought of visiting her sprang to mind the minute i knew she was in hospital? How can i not remember? I feel so guilty because the thought never came in at all. I realized i do not love her anymore, i have become numb. Maybe because we lived apart for so long, i do not really depend on her for anything. Rather she turn to me for financial help instead, i find her a burden sometimes.

I am sorry, i cannot feel. For i do not have the strength to bear it by myself. Nowadays i am so emotionally spent, my grandpa is not in good health also. I just want a day to do my own things without considering for others. I just want to think less.

I know there are people out there who cares for me. But nobody gets how i really feel. The bitterness that i struggled to overcome it from time to time, the heavy responsibilities that is causing me to shrink because i am not happy at all.

Tell me how to get out of this dark hole. I want to be happy again. I want people to affirm me, encourage me. Tell me i am made to overcome this. For whenever family or friendship problems arises, i am always alone. Blame it on myself, maybe i am too serious and boring that nobody wants to be around me.

I am never good enough for anybody and for myself.

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